A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:help me please, i was raped 9 years ago....i kind of forgot everything that happened but now i'm about to get married and i'm planing to tell the guy because i feel so guilt,.... i tried before couldn't tell him... but i feel i should tell him... please help me Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2009): I need to say to you and please, believe this. This crime of rape against you, was 'not' your fault. There is a pervasive, horrid feeling out there, that rape victims feel and it's called 'rape shame'. I know what you are feeling because I have seen it happen to a cousin, of mine who was raped, some years ago. As a show of support for her, I went with her and witnessed her tell her loved ones (her parents, her boyfriend). I was horrified at the mirroring of 'shame' given off , by the listeners. (averting their eyes, getting silent, no replies, no hugs) It said a lot about them and their 'narrow' attitudes, didn't it. She said later that she felt like she was making a confession, almost like an admission of fault, like 'she' did something wrong! She said she felt a great shame and guilt. So let's get this in perspective. Shame is what the rapist, not the victim, should feel. And I am saying this to you, because I want others out there to understand that the rape victim should not feel like she is rendered mute, for having such a violent crime committed against her!
Far, far, far too many rape survivors feel shame and guilt, because they feel they did something wrong which caused them to be sexually assaulted. In my books, no one has the right to take what they want from a physically weaker person. In this world, we respect and not inflict pain on someone. In my books, no means NO. You state you feel guilty. Let's look at the definition.
Guilt: n. 1. the fact or state of having committed an offense, crime, violation, or wrong, esp. against moral or penal law. or 2. a feeling of responsibility or remorse for a wrongdoing.
You definitely should not be carrying any guilt and I am so sorry, that you feel this way. You may feel guilty because, you feel like your actions caused the assault . Stop doing this...no one had the right to grab you and force this vicious assault on your person, no one! So based on that and what I feel you are going through, I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you, to bare your soul with your fiancé. But I will say to you, you should tell him before the wedding. Assuming you have a strong, loving, mutually honest relationship with this man you're going to marry, and that he is a good, honorable man, you need to experience his unconditional love, as this will release a great weight from your shoulders. And if he is the man you think he is, he will hold you in his arms and tell you, "how sorry he is for you and that he will be there for you, no matter what". You need that from him. If he is the man you think he is, he will not avert his gaze, he will not get angry with you, he will not go silent. If he doesn't do this, then this is a sign of a compassionate, caring man, who loves you, like no other. If he does do this, you may have a shocking insight into his true character. And that is when you may need to reassess, if this is the man for you. But please note, he may get upset, but only at the fact, that this crime was committed against the women he loves, he may get upset at the perpertrator..not you! You have to be able to know the difference.
When you tell him, you need to be strong and forthright: You should say something like, " I have something to tell you, and I want to get everything out in the open so that you can trust that our marriage will be built on a foundation of trust and honesty. I had a horrible crime committed against me 9 years ago. I was raped. I need to tell you this, as I refuse to be ashamed or feel guilt for what this evil person did to me. But I felt I should tell you this, so that I can be the best wife for you, and we both can go into a happy future together. I do not want this horrific crime that was committed against me , to keep eating away at me. I needed you to know. You are my best friend, your support and love is important and this is the first step, to being 100% and completely honest with each other".
Start there. He may have some questions..answer them honestly. But discuss this as maturely as you can. It's a risk telling him but I truely hope he comes through for you. Because you have absolutely nothing to feel ashamed, nor guilty about. Give all that back to the evil person, who did this to you...refuse to carry that load, anymore. But remember, it's far better to let your fiancee know now. Telling him may be the hardest thing you've ever done, but once he knows, the healing and restoration for you can finally begin. That's where the hope lies for your future happiness in marriage.
I'm praying for you that you find the strength to do this. My heart is with you, hun. *big hugs* I wish you the best..not an easy task for many rape victims.. and the sad thing is, it shouldn't be so difficult to tell the people we love. Please, be strong, Good luck and take care.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2009): Hug. you didn't rape you - somebody else did. they did it when you were young. he is evil. You are a grown up now and need to let some of the poison this person left in you out.
You need to take a deep breath and take another step to getting you back.
Sit him down Say "I need to tell you the worst thing thats ever happened to me"
"Sure anything babe" (his reply)
Then tell him...
he might get upset or angry or a million other things as he realises he is helpless - then he will switch and hold you.
tell him before - you need your head clear.
Big hug and congratulations on the wedding...
Hugs, star.x.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2009): You have nothing to feel guilty about because you did nothing wrong. But you should tell your guy because it could affect the way you are together and if it does, he needs to know why.
You might also like to have come counselling, to get this out of your system.
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