A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm in a bit of an emotional jam. I left my long time ex in part because we stopped being intimate, although we were very sexually compatible when we did have sex. The passion and energy just seemed to leave the relationship. But I had and still have deep love for her because we shared so many years and experiences with each other.I met someone else about a year ago who is the polar opposite. She craves sex, and wild, creative sex at that. But I'm missing the tenderness and love I had with my ex. It has affected me so much, I am now having problems in bed with this new girl. My sex drive has diminished, and I sometimes dont get strong erections because I just dont feel the love...I cant get into the moment. I do love this new girl very much, and she likes to do loving, passionate things too. But the pressure is always there to perform sexually, and I think it is making me feel less driven to have sex. I think I have been lying to myself, telling myself I want sex every day like her, when really I dont. It seems like sex is the focus, and has become somewhat of a burden. I'm already feeling a bit in adequate because I know dtails of her sexual past and she has been more sexually active than me, so this, coupled with the lack of bonding outside the bedroom is killing my feelings for us.I don't know what to do. I dont want to keep letting her down with a wimpy willie. I sometimes feel I need to be on my own and sort this out, but I am a very dependent guy when it somes to relationships, and being without her would kill me. I've even thought about reconnecting with my ex, but I think she's moved on, plus we had out problems too...some I dont want again. But I have so many loving memories with my ex, whereas with the new girl, it has always revolved around sex. Maybe we're just not compatible?
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female
reader, bitterblue  +, writes (17 August 2010):
 It's not OK to be relationship-dependent, as you risk not recognising a bad relationship for fear of being alone, which in turn decreases your chances to find a more fulfilling relationship, since the right order is to end one deal before your pursue another.
What you have now is a rebound relationship, one occurring soon after a break up - often you still have in these casese lingering feelings for the ex and little desire to commit, which is hardly a good context for a new relationship to grow and flourish. These rebounds sometimes can work and sometimes not really. That is why it's advisable after a recent break up to stay alone for a while until you've gotten rid of your ex partner from your heart and gotten in touch with who you are.
Getting back to your ex should be out of question because you guessed - your old problems will resurface and you say you aren't equipped to deal with them and maybe I can guess they don't have much fix - since they lead to the break up.
You don't sound very comfortable in the rebound and it could be because it's not a good relationship for you, suited to your needs and what you are also able to give, or maybe you are unable at this moment since the break up is fresh in your memory - to recognise even the best opportunity.
An idea is to tell your girlfriend you can't at the moment feel you can give yourself 100% to her and the relationship so she can choose to leave the relationship at any given time when a better opportunity comes along of someone willing to be more committed and not just seeking to fill a gap.
You can also opt for singlehood, since you are so confused so to spare her the pain and yourself the pressure to perform and act out of duty. But if you stay together, take the action OUT of the bedroom more often and put more emphasis on being friends and developing that bond that you long for.
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