A
female
age
36-40,
*oshni
writes:Hi I am a 21 year old gal...I met this guy when i was in college (first year)..we became great friends. Later he became my best buddy, and somewhere at the back of our minds both of us knew that we wanted something more from our relationship, so finally after 3 1/2 years he asked me out.I was molested when i was a child, so i have a problem trusting people, and i told him this when he asked me out. In the beginning everything was fine, we used to chat for hours, and mail each other, but later as we started talking about sex...i started getting uncomfortable, but just so that i don't lose him, and probably because even i was enjoyng our sexual talks i never said anythng.I was fine with the idea of talking about it but could never imagine doing it with him.We broke up a few months before...i was too hurt in the relationship, as most of the days it was only sex, sex and more sex talk...now i'm movng out to a different city. Just a few days back we decided to try once again but we again broke off as he is not ready for commitment, which i can't understand, after all we've known each other for more than 4 years. He wants me to talk about sex with him and help him masturbate, but he's not ready for commitment. I like this guy and this guy in his words "can't imagine living without me", which i do believe to a point...but adding another twist to the story - is the entry of lots of his female friends with whom he jokingly talks about marriage and kids.What am i supposed to do?. I'm a wreck and have no clue as to how to deal with this situation.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2008): He is not helping your situation and your uncomfortableness with sex. I think if you continue with him, he will surely hurt you emotionaly, and compound your trust issues. I believe you need to break it off with him, he doesn't want commitment, he has other girls around him, and you want something more permanent then a sex buddy, which I think is all he is gaming for.
So far from what I have interpreted from your post, that if you found the right guy, you would do fine once you both decided to go further in the physical intimacy arena. Currently, you recognize the conflict between you two and are responding appropriately. Your past right now is not the problem, but his behavior is, and you, trying to figure it out, are relating it to a different and unrelated past incident. In other words, as a child, you were abused, and it wasn't your fault. This guys is toying with your heart strings, messing with your mind, he is a creep.
For you, you sound whole and normal with no baggage, yet. Don't let him do this to you, put your foot down!
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (25 April 2008):
 There are two problems going on here.
First the "simplest", you friend wants sex and will say practically anything to get it. He might well be a good friend but as you describe him I know EXACTLY what he is thinking. You are NOT the girl he wants to marry, marriage is not even on his mind yet but he wants sex with you same as he wants sex with every reasonably attractive female. At least he his is being slightly honest about it by saying he isn't ready to commit.
Take it from a sleazy guy, you won't be the one to change him. What to do? Well, if you hadn't been abused I would suggest you do whatever you like to do. Go as far as you want with him but fully aware that giving sex to a man who isn't ready to commit has never made him more likely to commit. This ain't your future husband, if you are not intrested in a relationship that isn't at least potentially serious then simply say no, you are only willing to be friends.
But there is the past abuse and the last thing you need right now is to be used by another man just for sex no matter how friendly.
Your mind AND body will have been 'trained' to think of sex as a bad thing. You still see all sex the same as when you were abused. This is a common effect of being abused and really is something you need to seek proffesional help with. A doctor or school counselor should be able to refer you, a simple internet search should also give you plenty of starting points.
Probably the last thing you need to deal with at this time is a horny friend "pressuring" you into having sex. He sounds decent enough and honest about what he wants, that is good but he just doesn't want a serious relationship, not at this time and not with you. Don't matter how long you have known each other, tell him honestly that you just ain't ready for what he wants (sex) and that you first need to deal with your past and him putting pressure on you doesn't help. Hopefully he will understand and remain a friend.
Good job on spotting the line "can't imagine living without me" ;)
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