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female
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anonymous
writes: i was with someone for over 3 years and he was my first serious boyfriend, the first guy i loved, first guy i was with. And he was about 10 years older too.I know he loved me. But i think i was young with some things didn't know how to be in a relationship or when to let things go and realize its not a big deal. I think i was a bit too controlling and picked stupid fights. And now i regret it more than ever. He tried to end once or twice before and i think me telling him but we can compromise on this or do this and it changed his mind.We got into a silly spat on the phone and he broke it off that night and i was very upset and crying a lot. He said he doesn't want to focus on anyone else right now and that he is tired...(probably from driving to see me on the weekends, stupid arguments etc) I told him i love him so much and it will be better. He didn't change his mind. I wrote him a text the next day apologizing for my actions, i love him with all my heart and that he will be going on a trip soon which will be good for you and after it will be a lot better (Keep in mind, this was also an issue we had because it was a 2 week bike trip and a few nights at one of those rallies that seem like a spring break for adults..i just felt very uneasy about it)He didn't respond to the text. 2 days later i write to him saying the things i wish i would have did and what we should have done and i wrote i truly didn't feel like i wanted it over because of the trip, it just hurt me knowing you wanted to go away without me and i wish i would have realized sooner it may be something you needed and was really important to you. And that i wish i did this and this to make him a little happier and i am sorry for making you feel this way.He wrote back saying i don't have anything to be sorry about and that he just isn't happy and can't even explain fully. And that he is sorry and just can't keep continue doing this. He wrote he wishes we can still talk even if we are not together. I wrote back saying i wish we can figure something out to make you happier together. It will be too hard to talk to you as a friend. I drove you away and i regret it.He wrote he doesnt think i drove him away and i have a right to feel how i feel and want what i want and so does he but they are just not the same things right now and he wrote he needs to make himself happy before he can make me happy.I feel like all this just equals: I am tired of you.I called the next day saying i hate how this was done over the phone and through messages and i would like to speak to get closure. He texts me saying i got your v-mail before but i am just not up for talking right now. But we will. Im sorry. That was a a month ago. And i have completely left him alone since then. We also live about 35-40 minutes away from one another so there is no potential running into one another.To me--its a little confusing. You can't speak to me to give me final closure and you are telling me we will? Why not just get everything completely overwith if you want it over---have the conversation..i also have some things at his place..nothing major i cant live without but some clothes and odds and ends.I know its pathetic but it makes me hope maybe he just needs time to think and just feel better about things.It turns out he contacted my friends boyfriend about 3 weeks ago.My ex met my girlfriend and her b/f a few times only...the boyfriend asked for my b/f's number. My friend's boyfriend called him a few times for us to get together etc etc while we were still together..My b/f never called him..he was usually like that with a lot of people--just letting them call him.My friend called me saying my ex called her b/f during the day. Her boyfriend missed the call because he was at work and called back when my friend and her boyfriend were together.My boyfriend went on a 2 week trip with a few people..it was a bike trip which i was not so happy about...he spoke to my friend's boyfriend and started talking to him about the trip and that he is leaving this weekend but two guys backed out, its only going to be me and one other guy. The boyfriend never mentioned me and didn't bring me up once...My ex finally said so how is my friend? And the boyfriend said, well his g/f doesn't really tell him everything thats going on with this and then my friend said she's ok..So the boyfriend said she is alright on the phone. After a minute or two they hung up and my friend called me to let me know what happenedshe thinks its a sign of him wanting to get back together..she said why would he call him? she thinks he called just to get some information about me because he is not used to not hearing from me...my friend said its also weird how he spoke about the trip and him leaving this weekend and mentioning 2 of them backed out..almost like he is saying it isnt going to be this big party that i was thinking...ALSO--i felt like he may have wanted me to know when he was leaving..we broke up before i knew the exact date and i remember saying to him one or two times, you need to give me the date.i am more negative with my thinking...and i am thinking he used the expression so how is my friend? My g/f said its just an expression and he was talking to a guy--he isn't gonna be so sappy about iti am also thinking maybe he was just concerned if i was ok or he felt guilty and hearing that im "alright" he can just go on now and not feel guilty or now truly know its over because im alright...and have an even better time on his tripmy friend said she doesnt think a guy would put himself out there like that---to call an ex girlfriend's friend's boyfriend...she said he has a lot of pride and an ego and he called him..and it must have took a lot to make that phone call and ask about meshe thinks giving him a neutral answer of she's alright was the best thing she could say..she didn't say i was great and she didn't say i was crying my eyes out..its a neutral answer that didn't really say much but it wasnt like she was saying she is fine without you.i want to hope this may be a sign but i dont know what to think...i was not expecting him to do this at all.He has probably been back from his trip for over a week and i still have not heard from him.My things are still there and it makes me think it isn't over..he isn't a mean guy where he would throw out my things--i did nothing horrible to him for him to feel that way.In a lot of pain
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2008): Dear Poster
I can understand that you have a lot of hurt and that you emotionally in turmoil; however you have to do the right thing here and roof to this gy that you are prepared to change and do what is right; give him "SPACE"; show him that you respect his wishes and allow him time do do what he needs to do;see if he is missing you and comes back to you;
DOn't text or call him; leave him alone; give him time and space; use this time to work on yourself and on your issues; such as insecurity to start with;
You know where you have gone wrong and what you have done wrong, make a list of them and try to avoid make them in future. None of us are perfect, we all learn from our mistakes; sometimes we need to proof to our partners that we are sorry, rahter then just sayig it in words; action speak louder then words, remember;
You now have the perfect time to proof to him how you have changed and how you are prepared and willing to put in effort to RESPECT his wishes.
It willbe difficult, but concentrate on this, make an god effort and I am sure you will reap the benefits in the future.
Best wishes and keep SMILING.
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