A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi all. My boyfriend and I dated last year, broke up in December, stayed sleeping together, and got back officially early this year. During the time we were broken up, we were still constantly sleeping with each other and still spending time together as if we had not broken up. Needless to say, after we got back together, I found out he slept with his ex during our "broken up" time. I love him very much so I decided to give him another chance even though what he did to me was indescribably painful and haunted me in my sleep. We talked it over many times and he has convinced me that he believed that was the biggest mistake of his life and he wants to be with me forever and wants to marry me. Now, the more I had to come to terms that he did what he did, not to hurt me, but to realize on his own how much he loved me, the more I had to numb myself to the idea that it ever happened. In this process, I had inadvertently came to not desire him sexually. Maybe it is because I had associated his betrayal with sex with another girl and to get over it, I had to disassociate him with sex.I want to be sexually attracted to him again. What can I do?
View related questions:
broke up, got back together, his ex, sex with another Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (28 July 2010):
 Your relationship with him sounds very complicated. To be "broken up" and then "not broken up" but having sex and spending time together the entire time? It sounds like the tension and the excitement of having sex during all of that time may have been what was keeping you together. Now that he has committed to you, the tension and excitement is gone.
It does not sound like you two have a healthy relationship. I'd suggest taking step back and looking long and hard into what you two have. Do you want a life with him? Do you see yourself marrying him? Do you ever wonder about being with somebody else?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2010): Well, sorry that you feel hurt, emotional pain is very difficult to cope with, but something we all experience from time to time throughout life, and sometimes we have contributed towards it, sometimes not.
However in your case, I can't help but think BOTH you and your boyfriend have some responsibility here. And by reading your question, I feel you are both not emotionally mature enough to be in a relationship. Sorry, I realize you are upset, but the truth is, IF I'm reading your question correctly. You are dating your boyfriend, but BROKE-UP in December, YET continued sleeping with him, only you BOTH considered this strange connection as being APART, NOT in a relationship, Broken-up as you put it, then say, you officially got back together earlier this year.
At WHAT point did the break-up constitute a break up?
1. You were still seeing each other, sleeping together so what how did you MARK this break-up, as I cannot see any concrete evidence of it, apart from the words,which ACTIONS did not MATCH.
2. OFFICIALLY got back together, you have never been apart, or is this official getting back together marked by an announcement in the newspaper, openly telling Everyone you know, you are NOW officially an item attempting a long term relationship.
Your whole relationship seems to be a blur of black and white merging into grey areas, where neither of YOU, have any idea where you are in the relationship at any ONE given time.
If you were in a period of NOT being a couple, being broken-up as YOU say, and he sleeps with someone else, then that is his business, as YOU were NOT in a relationship, and he was not being unfaithful to you. But of course you were sleeping with him. Which ONLY proves the dangers of saying you're NOT officially in a relationship, yet continue doing everything as though you are.
I am merely trying to demonstrate, that you and your boyfriend, have basically remained in a relationship, whatever you want to call the different periods, although personally I'm NOT sure how you set each one apart, how do you differentiate?
You both agreed so it seems to be broken-up, and he slept with someone else in this period, well that is the difficulty of NOT making CLEAR rules for the foundations of a relationship, as neither of you have. Break-Up, then break up, even if for an agreed time, and DON'T sleep together, and consider in this time, IF you it's worth working at getting back, and work on issues that existed to ensure you don't go down the same route again. BUT you didn't do that either.
I'm not sure either of you are emotionally mature enough to establish a long term relationship, especially if this situation continues, as their are NO clear boundaries for either of you to work to. The relationship is all over the place. So although I appreciate you feel upset, I still believe you have to take some responsibility for this, as YOUR connection with your boyfriend has been far too fluid, for him to take 100% blame.
I hope you manage to resolve this, TALKING is a great way forward, and less of hopping into bed until you both know in which direction you want to go.
Gosh I was confused just reading the situation, let alone trying to live it!
Jilly x
...............................
|
