A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:hi aunts created a mess that's spiraled out of control over a man my brother set me up with on a blind date a year and a half ago when i spent a weekend out of state with his family.it's a long story so i'll try to keep it short.her it is:our chemistry was immediate.E made no bones about it but i held back since i was in the midst leaving a 2 year affair that was getting the better of me as far as the guilt that i didn't want to be the cause of breaking up his family and all the emotional damages for his children and wife. it wasn't my first breakup but it was the hardest and longest because "G" was against it until i had to stop my life and just vanish to escape. fast forward: i was pretty much just days out of the affair when E and I met and like I said there was immediate chemistry.he was ready to date. I wasn't for obvious reasons.no one wants a rebound, right, so i didn't mention that i was just days out of the affair plus how I didn't want him to think of me as a bad woman or cheat since i was involved in an affair. Needless to say to cover i started telling E little lies and holding back on reciprocating personal info about myself to cover up the past affair and to get myself over the affair. Everytime "E" would ask me out on a date or if he could fly in to visit I gave excuses or disappeared. LSS:i've made a disaster of everything he had for me.he thinks all the wrong bad things about him because he can only assume those things because i haven't told him much about me from the coverups.my lies have spiraled out of control and now that i'm ready to get involved with him i don't know where or how to begin coming clean to him about every lie i've told him to hold onto him until i was ready.i've reversed the situation and asked myself how I'd react if I was the one lied to, dragged along, kept in the dark, not giving, so on, etc.would ibe hurt and could i trust him when everything that man told me was a lie? I think it would upset me terribly or make my feelings turn off.but if he told me why he did it and also seeing that he couldn't stay away I might forgive him.i'm in love with "E" even though you might say "How can you do that to someone you love and want to be involved with?" but please look at it as if you are me to. How can I clean up the awful mess i've made and earn back his trust that's going to crumble when i do tell him the truth?should i write him a letter confessing every single lie?how should i start coming clean to him?all advice is needed.thank u.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2011): "i started telling E little lies and holding back on reciprocating personal info about myself to cover up the past affair "
"can I clean up the awful mess i've made and earn back his trust that's going to crumble"
Yes, you can, but you have to lay it all out there now, and he has to be allowed to make his own decisions. There is not other right decision.
Tell the truth, be honest, open, and willing to open up more than you have felt that you can.
It's the only way....my wife had to do this...she didn't do it till we'd been married 18 years...don't make that mistake.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2011): I think you should have a sit down and tell you friend the truth . Why did you have to lie to him?. You could have dated him first(ie so sex, just hang out) to evaluate his potential before spilling you life secrets when you decide you want to date him seriously...I'm a bit concerned you think you are in-love.... and you want to get involved with someone else so soon already after what was a difficult break-up. I dont think you are ready yet but that is my opinion. Be honest with him to be patient with you. If you rush you'll still lose him but this time you'll be hurting much more than you are now.Explain to him as honestly as you can the reasons for your behaviour. Apologise sincerely , dont grovel(very unttractive) but be sincere with your heart. I would advise that you first see a counsellor to help you deal with issues from your past. Affairs are destructive to all involved(whether or not you fell hard for the person, whetherbit was conduvted with the utmost secrecy). You made a habit of involving yourself in affairs(which is more than a one time mistake, more a pattern of relationships) and ye need help get some help. Start also to learn to forgive yourself and pray for God's forgiveness and healing, and that he helps women you have offended forgive you. Do not be afraid of losing this guy. Clinging is not healthy and is a sign of insecurity...You can find and will someone who will love you for you unconditionally(believe that)...Make a resolve never to get involve in an affair EVER AGAIN .... Love yourself and learn from your mistakes...If you are easily manipulated protect yourself by being on your guard everytime you feel attracted to a man that is taken(be it with a girlfriend or wife)...They are always bad news and these men come with more baggage than they are worth.....even for a fling...Dont be afarid to take time to be by yourself at least briefly to find yourself if need be...whatever path you take...Take control of your life and your emotions,..dont let your emotions take total control of you...we can make really bad decisions when we solely use our emotions...think before you act.....If you lose him then he wasn't the one for you and it is not because you are not good enough for him...cry , feel sad move on....I dont see him getting all worked up about spilling his secrets and he probably has some...Take time to get to REALLY know him...Develop interests outside relationships that build you...take relaxing hobbies..learn/study something you've always wanted....be confident and hold your head high...Leave the past in the past...You are about to introduce the new and improved you... and most of all take care of yourself
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