A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok so I'm a huge mess!! I'm married with 3 kids. Me and my husband have been together for 9 years, married 5. Our whole entire relationship has been hard, we started off very young. Our relationship was very strained after the first 5 years. We both cheated on each other overcame and worked on us and we are still together. We are finally coming to a point in our lives where we are not struggling financially anymore, yay!! About two years ago we separated, we both eventually started talking to other people. Last year we decided to get back together and make our marriage work. So we ended all contact with the people we were talking to. Shortly after him moving into my house I realized how much I loved my own space and how I missed just doing my own thing. But I told myself i was being selfish and overcame those feelings. Then there it goes back to the same couple a year before. Nothing has changed! I realized I need to make this work for my kids and for us not to be so financially strained. I told myself I can take the comments and accusations for a while. I really don't have much support from my family to help out with anything so I'm sticking it out. So about 6 months into us getting back together one of the guys I was talking to was coming back home for a friend's funeral. He reached out to me hoping we can meet up for lunch and talk, as much as I wanted to I told him no. He knew the reason I stopped talking to him and he understood. I couldn't stop thinking about this guy ever since then. I ended up texting him one day and we been talking for about three months now. He lives in a different state so I know I won't physically cheat on my husband but I know I am emotionally cheating on him. I know it's not good. I know I'm not happy in my marriage and I know that is not good. If I were to leave my husband it would not be for another man it would be for me. For me to be me for once. I think I have fallen out of love with my husband and I'm pretty sure he can feel it. I don't know what to do anymore.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (27 June 2014):
 The book title I think of, that would pertain to your situation is, "How to get what you want and want what you have." It seems like you only want something that is out of reach, and when you obtained something, you don't want it anymore. You have to make up your mind whether it is stability you want, or the freedom to date others. Being a single mom with three kids make dating very hard. I believe in working things out, children or no children. And working things out mean putting love into the relationship, both of you. Also means you refrain from entertaining yourself with the thought that some other guy can bring you a new fresh life, that's better than the one you have. If your husband is willing to work at it, then it triumphs over the grass that's on the other side. I am in the group that believe falling back in love is a choice. All you need is a firm decision, and love will find its way. It helps if you can let go of past resentments and start anew with your husband. You are both more mature and in a different form than before. No need to use past cheating as an excuse to not work on your marriage.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2014): Spend the next four weeks loving your husband with your words and actions. Love is OFTEN not a feeling. Often the feelings go in a marriage, and then they return, and go, and return, and go.... and sometimes, you BOTH feel the love feelings at the same time, and you remember why you both are together and married, those are wonderful times again. When you got married, you made a decision to love your husband, for better or worse, to forsake all others. In sickness and health, through the hard times and the good times. Remember your vows and get back into being committed to the commitment you made. Do this out of love for your children too. They will grow to see how to love in a marriage, and how to resolve conflicts. Lose contact with that other guy, as that will be a distraction and a temptation and will hinder your marriage being a success.Yes, marriage is work. But working through these times is what will build it, make it stronger. You made a choice, and you made vows. IMO there is nothing more important and more wonderful than family. Be a family. You are so lucky to have three children. If your husband loves you, is not cheating or abusing you, then you have a great start to repairing this. You CAN fix this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2014): "I realized I need to make this work for my kids"
That's bullshit and you know it. Kids don't need two unhappy parents that live together in a pretend relationship where neither can stop cheating and both feel trapped. They need parents to feel happy and to somewhat enjoy their lives.
We make a lot of sacrifices for our kids but there is a line that you cross which means you use that as an excuse, and in this circumstance you've crossed that, both you and your husband.
You don't get to use your kids as an excuse to cover your own weaknesses, OP. You've tried to make this marriage work too many times and have it fail too many times to kid yourself into thinking you're sticking in this on/off relationship for any good reason. There aren't any good reasons for you to stay in this.
It's time to start setting yourself up as an independent woman, OP. If you're a stay at home mom at the moment, it's time to start working and earning your own cash with a view of saving up and setting yourself up a life outside this marriage. Pay off any shared debts quickly and prepare the way financially and logistically to finally get a proper divorce.
You said it yourself you're now coming to a place where money issues are finally being resolved, the time is nearly here when ending this will be okay in terms of finances and practicality. You've also experienced separation so you've had practice in dealing with how dual custody works.
To be honest, OP, in practical terms it won't take long for you to have a secure out with practically no mess.
Emotionally of course may be a different matter, but frankly, OP it sounds like you're already emotionally out of this relationship so for you it won't be that bad.
Start quietly setting the wheels in motion, OP and thinking long and hard about the cleanest way of ending this. If you think he'll kick up a stink then head in and get some legal advice from a good quality lawyer, probably a good idea to do that before anything else actually.
OP you don't give any reason why you should stay in your question, kids are never an excuse to be unhappy. Besides what kind of example are you setting to them by staying? No matter how hard you try you'll never be able to sacrifice your happiness for them when there's no need to in the first place?
Two happy, fulfilled parents apart is better than two miserable idiots staying just to uphold the concept that an illusory relationship somehow creates a better environment in which to raise kids. It doesn't.
So start getting real, OP, and get rid of the other guy for a while too. Your husband is no idiot, if you decide to end this the first thing he'll probably do is accuse you of that and things may get very messy.
The other guy can wait if he's worth it, but you need to end this marriage for you not him. So if he can't wait for you to finish it before you resume contact then you'll find another guy instead. But you need to get rid of him as a distraction and a risk for now and focus all your attention on considering the end of your marriage.
It really is coming to the time best suited to going it alone, don't be caught as a cheater again and let that be the reason you ended it. There's no point when you can prevent that, so do prevent it.
Best of luck, I don't envy your position but you've kind of been through it before so you at least this time you know what to expect.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (27 June 2014):
 Too late for 'buyer's remorse' you have kids now and they NOT you are the most important thing. Unless he is abusive or something it is totally up to you to maintain the family. People will say,"Oh kids are resiliant, they'll adjust" That is BS! kids never 'get over it' They will forever see this potential break-up as the worst day of their life. you can't just crap all over the stability of the family because you want your freedom as a 'do over' Get counciling or whatever it takes but you are not all that important that your kids just have to understand that you want to leave the family. Work on it rather than run from it.
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