A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Let me start by saying my relationship with my wife is AWESOME. Sure we have had some ups and downs, but overall it has been AWESOME.When we dated we were active like rabbits and it didn't really matter where we were, we would find a place to do it. Surely things slowed down as it went a long even to the point that after 7 years of marriage I understood the 7 year itch. Anyhow it seems like it has kicked back up again over the past year. We went from a handful of times a year to 2-3 times a month. It has been great.Anyways I have always secretly fantasized about my wife with another guy, but never said anything about it nor suggested I would even think of something like that. Honestly I have fantasies but only to a limit. For example I really want to see my wife give a blowjob to another guy, it gives me butterflies when I think about it....BUT I'm hesitant about it going any further than that, meaning no intercourse. At least not yet, and that is if we were to ever even get past the first step.Shockingly, I was drinking a little the other night and I told her of my fantasy and I asked her if she would do it and she said under the right circumstances she would do it. We ended up having a very kinky talk and I asked her how she would do it...with a stranger or a friend, to which she preferred a stranger as she would be fearful of rumors.She also said it would be difficult to just leave it to oral as she was sure the sexual tension would lead on to more...or at least we should be prepared for that.We ended up having some great sex that night. But I'm asking your opinion should I pursue it or forget all about it? I don't get the impression that my wife wants to cheat on me or anything, but I guess you never really know for 100% sure.Thoughts? Has anyone ever done something like this and been successful? What boundaries did you set?
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2017): My wife has had fellatio with a number of other men in our 19 plus years of marriage. She loves it and I approve but must admit I do get jealous especially with a half of dozen "regulars" she has seeing them at least once a month or more.
It takes a special relationship for this to work. We are mostly open about this so it makes to easier to deal with.
A
male
reader, toppriority +, writes (19 September 2015):
Awesome answers.I wanted to add another voice to it, to add another lens to look through. One of an understanding party.I too fantasize about this and want to offer some theories why you may be - pick what fits. First, do you watch porn and particularly enjoy blowjob videos? If so, did the fantasy sometimes cross over that if it was your wife doing those favorite blowjob scenes that it was a higher level of erotic? I would consider that is what sparks those fantasies - and if so, you need to desensitize that and realize sex with your wife is so much better than porn - please see http://yourbrainonporn.com/ Second, have you had any trauma in life that you need to deal with - where a woman left you or cheated on you and if you had a time machine could control that? Like direct the cheating and end it only at the exciting blowjob level, but have her return to you? If so, you have some processing of your shadow to do. I recommend a book called Redirect to rewrite the script and get your brain past trying to fix the past but enjoy the present and future with your amazing wife.Third, as an alternative - did you initially get jealous when guys flirted with or looked at your wife? Did she ever humiliate you by enjoying it? This combined with either of the two above will be extremely powerful way to deal with humiliation - a relief from it. If neither of the two is at play, it is still a coping mechanism.If none of these apply, sorry. Just some stuff to help you rid yourself of the fantasies and enjoy your wife - just the two of you. Get to the source of it.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 November 2013):
 I get your fantasy. I do. I totally understand it. And in fantasy it will work great for masturbation or fantasy role play with the wife.... but I would NOT suggest you do it for real.
My former husband and I were swingers. (NOTE he's an ex husband now) OUT Of MOST of the swingers (open lifestyle marriages) I know... very few survive bringing others into their marriage bed. I know it's what killed my marriage. I know of at least three other marriages it's destroyed.
IF you think the folks who have not ever lived an open lifestyle don't have the right to say RUN away from this idea... then listen to someone who has BTDT... is losing your wife worth the fantasy?
My best advice... go to the adult toy store and buy a realistic dildo..one that is of average realistic size, color and texture.. they are not your cheap versions.. but they will have skin like texture and feel like a live erection or if you can afford it a blow up boy doll.
USE that with your fantasy play..... watch your wife perform fellatio on the dildo (you can even get ones that squirt) Put it through the fly of a spare pair of jeans (stuffed with shirts to appear like a guy) for more realistic play time.
The only time to bring someone else into your bed is if you want to end the marriage....
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (27 November 2013):
 So your fantasy is to have your wife do all the work and assume all the risk so you and some stranger can have the time of your lives? Besides a tired jaw, a mouth full of gism and a pat on the head, what exactly would she get out of it?
The risk/effort and rewards are too one sided, with her assuming most of the former and you and the other man enjoying most of the latter. And while the pleasure is fleeting the damage can last a lifetime.
Inviting a stranger carries additional risks. If he doesn't know you, you surely don't know him. It's a small world and you never know if, when and where you'll bump into him again, or that it will happen when you and she are both present.
A copy of your candidate's lab results is no guaranty against an STD. For all you know he was infected 2 hours after they drew blood for the test. Some are curable and some aren't. Herpes is a hell of a souvenir.
And your presence won't guaranty her safety either. You'd be a participant, not a detached observer. You'd be heavily invested in the outcome and your own arousal, and possibly alcohol, would cloud your judgment.
Either the evening will turn out to be a miserable failure or it will be a huge success which will only encourage you to do it again, and again and again until eventually it is a miserable failure.
If you want to watch your wife perform fellatio, stand in front of a mirror. Cheaper, easier and it carries no risks.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (26 November 2013):
 Good advice all around. Yes a third party is always best as a fantasy, not as a reality. Yes there are marriages that can and do thrive with this kind of activity. They are much more rare than you will be led to believe. I'd like you to try a thought experiment.
Let's assume that the reason you have this fantasy is that you want to see your wife as more exciting and sexual. Something forbidden is often a turn on. If you can accept that idea, then the question is, Did she achieve that level of sexy, forbidden, exciting, simply by admitting that it was a possibility? She even pushed it a bit further by saying it would lead to more. So, is the object of your fantasy achieved? My opinion is that yes she fulfilled the need behind the fantasy, and that is enough.
The next question in my mind is are you meeting her needs and fantasies? Are you a man who is thrilling her? You have planted a dangerous idea, be sure you are strong enough to hold on to this.
I'm cheerfully optimistic about your marriage because sexual activity has increased and you are both willing to talk and explore together. To answer your first question, it's probably best to keep your adventures in your minds, so don't forget it, but don't go further. Your second question, Yes it has been done successfully, More usually with trusted friends and testing all around. Using a stranger is not the safety that it appears to be at the outset. There is plenty of information about boundaries and rules out there if you run a search. The important thing is that you both agree, and the outsider as well, before anything starts, and there should be an agreement to use safe words so anyone can stop it at any time. There is a high probability that someone will want to go further and someone will want to stop early. It's a dangerous proposition.
FA
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (26 November 2013):
 Well, I'm obviously of an older generation, but I never had any such thoughts with a wife or a girlfriend. Sounds like a real marriage killer to me, but you could send her to Texas and I may oblige.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2013): Some things should remain a fantasy.
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (26 November 2013):
 In all honesty I do not think bringing a third party into your marriage is a good idea, unless you are completely accepting of the possibility that doing so may ruin your marriage. Even assuming that your wife is as interested in the fantasy as you are, what if it's not quite what YOU imagined? You'll have seen every detail and it's not something you will ever be able to just forget.The fact that you would be cool with oral but not full intercourse is a red flag to me that the entire encounter is something about which you might eventually feel jealous if it were to take place. Could you really kiss your wife the same way afterward after watching another man's dick in her mouth? What if it did go farther than you wanted and she had sex with him in front of you? Sorry to be graphic, but I'm intentionally trying to shock you... something like this is a decision that you need to think over THOROUGHLY before proceeding. Very few people who post on here in the aftermath of a threesome do so with happiness as to its positive outcome; more often, boundaries are overstepped, feelings are hurt, and attraction develops where it doesn't belong. I'd suggest an alternative instead. Take her to a nice anonymous hotel or motel room and set up a camera so that it doesn't film above waist height, then role-play a stranger receiving oral from your wife. Wear clothes and shoes that aren't your normal style, have her call you someone else's name, talk dirty to her using expressions that aren't your own. Get a hot, naughty BJ from her and get it all on tape, then watch it with her. This way you get a thrill without jeopardizing what sounds like a good and loving marriage to an open-minded woman.Good luck and best wishes with this!
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