A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am getting married this fall but my fiancee lives in another city 5 hours away. It doesn't seem like he can find a job in the city I'm living in. I am planning to move to his city, but I don't want to stay there long term, especially if we have kids. I told him I am scared about moving to his city, and he doesn't seem to understand why I am scared. I have lived in the same city/house all my life, and moving to another city entirely is a big change for me. I said I don't mind staying there short term, for a few years, but long term, I want to move back to where I am now. He was saying why am I so insistent on staying here - people and things may change in a few years, there is a possibility he could lose his job and move out of the country entirely. He says he does not plan on staying in his current city forever, and that this is a knot - he can't convince me, and I can't convince him and that we have to discuss more. Basically, I would like to plan for the future, and he is saying that some things can't be planned, and that we'll deal with it as it comes since things change. He's saying we can't say things like in X years we want to be in city Y because things may always change and then we're basically setting ourselves up for disappointment when things don't go according to plan. Basically there are a few options presently - either going back and forth between the two cities, or me moving to his city, or me living in my city and him living in his city, or taking more time to think/plan - but it doesn't seem like him moving here is a present option because he doesn't have a job. He said it is very hard to find a job here for him. And yet, I don't think he ever has the intention of moving here at all. And he's saying that if we take more time to think/plan, we will just think/plan but not end up doing anything or taking any action. We were initially planning on finalizing the invitation text this week but we are putting it off now. I feel very lost right now - I want to get married with him, but I am scared about the future because it feels like we don't have a plan. Any advice/comments would be much appreciated.
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female
reader, lexilou  +, writes (21 May 2008):
 It must feel like he is being really selfish right now and I understand why you are scared. You seem to be the kind of person who likes everything in order in your life and need to know exactly what will happen and when. He realises that its a big wide world out there and doesnt want to compartmentalise his life. Who knows what he future holds. You have found yourself a man who has ambition and drive and he is right you cannot plan your whole future as life will also throw something at you. The thought to him of spending his entire life in one place is not what he wants and he wants you to experience a varied interesting life with him. You need to make a decision here about whether you are willing to make this work.
He does have a plan, live in his city initially but be open minded to change if the need arises. There will always be times when you have to compromise in any marriage and hopefully you can work things out when needed to (he cant be right all the time!) but I think he knows that right now if you move to your city together he will never get you to leave.
I have lived all over the world from singapore, to egypt and various places in the uk but ended up in my dads home town and its ok but I want to see more of the world Im still only 39 and hubbie wants to move to europe by the time were in our 50's, scary as I dont want my 3 year old to lose his family but life is for living and we will see where it takes us.
You must do this because you really want to otherwise you will find it hard to adapt to your new life and will not be able to settle. Grab this opportunity with both hands and make one plan - to live life to the full x Good luck
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2008): First off life is what happens when you are planing something else.
Human beings find it very stressful to change. Buy the book "Who Moved My Cheese" it is about change and how to think about it and handle it.
Really, this obstacle to your marriage is all in your mind. The city that you live in will change in 1 year it will change in 5 years, and living in one place won't keep people from entering and leaving your life altogether.
Having a viable job and a career is important to your fiance, how else is he going to support his family? I can't tell you what to do, but if he earns more than you do, then move to his city and be flexible about it, don't make him promise to move you back to the place where you live....you are marrying him, not some place, home will be where ever the two of you are together.
Plan a life together regardless of the city that you live in, you may get such an exciting job offer elsewhere that you will be excited to go, but right now you don't see a reason for this move as there is no compelling reason in your mind to do so....but if you want to marry this man you are going to have to be willing to follow him to get where you want to go, which is having a future and a family with HIM.
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