A
female
age
41-50,
*essieR
writes:I found out my partner watched porn throughout our entire relationship and I want to leave him. The problem is since giving birth to my baby I have suffered acute anxiety and depression and every time I try to leave him I get severely ill. I mean really ill, where I can't function, and considering I have a baby to look after I can't allow this to happen. What can I do?
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (26 April 2012):
 Oh man. First of all, take a really deep breath. I read your post, and I know that these emotions you're feeling are so intense that you're probably actually feeling assaulted by them. This is supposed to be one of the happiest times of your life...enjoying those magical and really wonderful moments with your new baby.
First of all, how old is your baby? I'm willing to bet quite a lot that what you're feeling, and the intensity of what you're feeling is caused partially by hormones. Post-partum depression isn't a slogan or a byword so that pharmaceutical companies can sell medicine. When you give birth, your hormones go so out of whack that you can have terrible mood swings, feelings of hopelessness, anger, out of control, extreme hypersensitivity to anything good and bad, so regardless and separate from the porn issue, you must call your doctor/OBGYN and let him or her know how you're feeling, because one of the biggest things that will help you is the feeling that you're not alone.
Also, you didn't mention your family and friends, but now's the time to lean on them for support, especially your family. The first two weeks after my son was born were two of the best weeks of my life, but I was bawling at the drop of a hat terrified I wouldn't be a good mom, that I'd inadvertently hurt him by breathing on him wrong, that he'd have SIDS, that he was blind or hearing impaired or that that glass of champagne I had at a friend's wedding before I knew I was pregnant was gonna mess him up. My mom came over for 2 weeks as well as two of my best friends dropped in off and on, and I am still forever grateful for that.
So, keep people close to you!
___________________________
NOW, the porn issue. First of all, do not make decisions now about the fate of your relationship. You're being assaulted by hormones, so hypersensitivity is really high. Add to that the thought of your self-image and view of how your body's changed amplifying the negative feelings.
Unless his porn is of the illegal kind (underage, child porn bestiality, actual rape), hold off on breaking up with him. Guys don't view porn like you think they do. He wasn't consciously choosing porn over you or even wishing that he was with them.
Like a woman uses a vibrator or one of those Harlequin romance novels (OMG...I hate those! If they have to describe a woman's private parts using the word "satin nub", "secret female core", or "pouty nether lips" or a man's as "purple tulip", "manroot" or "throbbing shaft", *gag*), a guy sometimes uses random, anonymous sexual images to masturbate to. They are visually stimulated, for better or worse.
Talk to him about how you feel, especially because you're sensitive to this now. He did not cheat on you. He isn't comparing you to those plastic-enhanced bombshells who scream and moan like banshee wildebeests in heat. His using porn does not diminish his love for you, or his desire for you. You're the mother of his kid! His danger is to become addicted to it, if his porn use interfered with his relationship to you. The guy is probably under a ton of stress from having a new kid. Yes, I know he looked at it before you got pregnant, but again, he wasn't substituting it for you.
Have talks with him, and listen to him without interrupting. Put yourself into his shoes. He didn't do it to cheat on you, or hurt you, or be disloyal to you. He should have been a lot more discreet about it, so that you wouldn't have to see the evidence of his watching or looking at it.
Down the road, it might become an issue of incompatibility if you simply can't tolerate the thought of porn in a relationship, but don't drop him without so much as seeing where he's coming from. He didn't cheat on you, or pay to see a prostitute, or even go to a strip club where he's watching live and getting lap dances.
Porn use *can* get out of hand, but most of the time it doesn't. According to one source, 77% of men are regular porn users, and 54% reported using it three times per week or more. This study focused on men in relationships (married, committed couples). I personally think the actual number is higher than what's reported.
Anyways, have long talks with him about it, how it makes you feel, and how it makes him feel. Keep your mind open about it, and make sure before you even address the porn issue, talk to your doctor about the hormone changes you're experiencing.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2012): Hi another past porn sufferer here, how can you of not known your partner was viewing porn for all that time? I caught my bf early but that still got on my nerves. Apparently most men do it in a relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2012): Firstly, I would talk to your doctor because you may be suffering from post natal depression - this can go on for a long time after birth and really needs looking into. It is completely normal and nothing to be ashamed of. But your partner's porn use is of course a worry. But you will be better able to cope and see straight about what you need to do if you are well in yourself.
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