A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I'm after some reassurance that I am making the right decision.I have been married for 14 years and have 2 children. My husband has always been a drinker but for the first few years of our marriage this was limited to weekends.For the past 4 years, he has been binge drinking on a regular basis. He doesn't come home from work but goes straight to the pub and rolls in at about midnight. Then he will not drink for a few weeks and I think everything will be okay but it starts all over again and we keep going round in vicious circles. He also gambles and we have huge debts because of this. About 2 years ago, he also started taking cocaine which he says that he doesn't do anymore but I am not convinced.He is a very jealous person and I am constantly being accused of having affairs which is totally unjustified as I never go out anywhere. He even suggests that he is not the father of our son even though he is the absolute double of him which people comment on time and time again. As mentioned he is constantly accusing me of affairs and has even called me a Slag/Slut/Whore in front of our children.A few months ago after I found out that he had been seeing another woman (something he denies even though I have hard evidence) which is not the first time. I left the house but came back a month later as I felt sorry for him. Although I wasn't living in the house I still had to pay all of the bills.For the first few weeks after getting back together things seemed okay, he stopped drinking and I thought that we might be able to salvage our marriage but over the past couple of months it's just going back to how it was.I am now at the end of my tether, I am no longer in love with him and cannot even bear to be in the same room as him. I have asked him to leave but he will not go so every night he comes in drunk and starts being abusive to me in front of the children(not shouting but just making comments, for instance, 'Did you know that Mum was sleeping with your friends Dad?')I cannot afford to leave and pay for somewhere else to live, the mortgage is in my name so I am responsbile for paying it.I also feel sorry for him and worry about what he will do when we split up.Any advice would be greatfully received.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (15 August 2010):
 What!!!!! Get another solicitor and start documenting all the things that he says and does to you in a diary. You can lock him out of the house if you want to and if he breaks in call the police. He may not be able to be charged with breaking and entering but you can get charges on spousal and child abuse on him. Document document document. You have to get away from this. There will be a laywer out there who will help you with this the other one's answer to you knocks the wind out of my sails!!
You go girl stand up be strong and fight back this guy has gotta go!!!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to everybody has responded so far. I did go to see a solicitor a few months ago and she basically told me that there was nothing to do to get him out of the house. Even though the house is in my name as we are married he still has rights to it. If I change the locks, he can legally break in. I asked about the mental abuse but she said that I wouldn't be granted an injunction unless he physically hurt me. So unless he agress to move out (which he won't) i'm stuck with him.
Last night he didn't get in till 2.30am!
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A
male
reader, sirbronson  +, writes (13 August 2010):
join a support group for abuse victims and that might give you strength and help you see light at the end of the tunnel.
i was not in an abusive relationship but have seen it from the outside of a couples point of view. its not pretty.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (13 August 2010):
 Hello, the first thing to do is to make a plan to leave, stick to it and never come back. You should focus on your children and their welfare. If he is being verbally abusive then it is domestic violence. Your children should not have to witness his conduct, nor should you have to put up with being abused. If you don't leave then your children will grow up thinking this is normal behaviour between adults.
You should see him as a very sick man with a number of addictions. He feels highly inadequate deep-down and this is why he feels the need to abuse you. This is no excuse. You need to leave and take the children with you to a safe place. If you don't have relatives to call upon, ring women's aid for some advice. I also think you need to go to the citizens advice bureau. They can help you to claim benefits, deal with the mortgage company and cut yourself from his debts. At the point of divorce the courts can decide to apportion the debts. As the mother of several children, this will work in your favour. You don't need to tell him that you are leaving. If you think he will be violent, call the police and explain the situation so they can escort you away from the home. If you are leaving the family home due to domestic violence then the council are bound by law to help you find somewhere to live until you get on your feet.
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum +, writes (13 August 2010):
Oh doll I do feel for you. You need a plan and here's my ideas for some plans for you.
First off don't feel sorry for him he doesn't deserve any sympathy from you from the way he's treated you. He's also abusing your children by telling them ugly things about you and abusing you.
Second I wonder if you could change all the locks and move all his stuff to a storage facility. Then leave him a note on the front door saying to pick up his new keys in the letterbox. Leave him the keys in an envelope with directions on how to get to the storage facility. Include a note saying you have had enough and that he needs to move out. Tell him the marriage is over and that you don't love him anymore and will not tolerate any disscussion on the subject.
Third after you've done all this you and the kids go and stay at a motel or a relatives for a couple of weeks until he realises you mean business.
Fourth go see your bank and tell them what you are doing and see if you can restructure your mortgage payments to an amount you can handle. Then go see a lawyer and get some guidance.
Fifth gather all your friends and relatives around you for support in this cause you will need it.
Sixth be strong be really strong. Take a deep breath and gather your inner resources together. Turn your insides to steel and resolve to get this sorted.
Seventh meditate lots on this and use this as your mantra: "I deserve respect humility and love."
Good luck doll let us know how you get on.
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A
female
reader, Gods,child..  +, writes (13 August 2010):
 im so sorry ur going through were Almost in the same situation when theres a marriage with bills and children its so hard to walk away.I think u deserve much better than this u should walk away for ur kids sake cause if he keeps talking to u or fighting like this the kids are gonna think its ok to talk this way or act this way,u should not think to much bout what he will do cause hes been emotionally abusing u all this time and he doesnt care ur still young u could find somebody that will respect and appreciate u.So u could feel that spark and love again..Tell him to leave its ur house u will be better off without him...i hope i helped a little best of luck..
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