A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:ok can someone tell me some tricks to get closer to my mom. last year i graduated highschool n didnt introduce her to any of my friends. that really hurt her. i mean a few met her after we graduated but it still plays on my conscience.(if i cud take it back i wud) then later i bad talked her to a friend over aim saying she has no sense of humor but she really does! idk y i do such things. its been over a year i have done nothin since even cut friends out my life. but she wud bring it up in a joking matter. but it really bugs me. and my family is not the kind of family where if somethin bugs u, u apologize we tend to let it simmer and nove on. now in my family im tend to be the one they make fun of so mostly im in my room by myself daydreaming or listening to music. i am depressed. my mom also tends to bring me up and put me down. i am now in college but when on the phone with my aunt she goes on and on about she doesnt know y i am in school. nd she knows i am depressed cause of the way i eat im ( i eat alot still slim by the way=) but instead of acknowleding the fact i am depressed she joins in with my siblings when they call me fat and are always sayin to them "shes only eattin cause shes depressed" then there was a time she and my dad split but me being his "favorite" she told him if he didnt come back my school would send me to counseling cause its affecting my work. when i wanted him to leave cuz the tension eased up in the house and there was no arguements. but she needed him back to pay rent so she involved me. now dont get me wrong i love my mom shes like superwoman cuz my dad is around but not involved. and i am where i am because of her. but how do i improve this? and improve the relationship with my mom?
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female
reader, caterpillar  +, writes (12 December 2009):
Dear Anonymous female:First of all, I would like to say that it was brave of you to come here and share your problem. That's the first step. I have nothing but good news for you. The first of this is that there is NOTHING wrong with you. From the sounds of your family- you are right to be depressed. Have you heard of Bowen's theory of family systems? You hinted at several things that suggest that your family is one of the estimated 96 percent of families that are dysfunctional. Dysfunctional families are basically families where you can't be your true self and where there are rigid roles and no flexibility and communication amongst family members about important things. As result of not being able to deal with problems/insecurities/fears directly in dysfunctional families, family members usually take sides and focus on other members. This is called "triangling" i.e what your mother is doing to you when she gangs up with your other siblings, talks to your Aunt on the phone or gets in between your relationship with your Dad. Then there is "scapegoating", which is when families pick on the easiest target in the family to bare the brunt of the tension and unresolved problems in the family e.g your parents' separation. Your mother sounds like she's playing the role of the "hero" or the "martyr". The problem with this is that this person has an unrealistic view of themselves and tend to see themselves as perfect and others- like yourself, as incapable. Also, when only one person in the family is the hero- then nobody else can be. This affects your self-esteem because your family system doesn't allow you to be confident and competent. So in fact your mother and family are ENABLING you to be depressed and helpless and bad in school.If you're daydreaming and listening to music in your room- it sounds like you're an introvert. There is nothing wrong with this. Introverts are the most misunderstood group in society. They form about 25 percent of the population but are often the most gifted and intelligent. It sounds like your siblings and mother might even be jealous and insecure about this and the fact that you don't gain weight when you eat and are trying to sabotage you subconciously. If the rest of your family are extraverts- you might also feel depressed because you are so different from your siblings and they don't make an effort to understand you.There are many things I can say in response to your question. But the best tip I can give you is to start by ordering the book "When You and Your Mother Can't be Friends" by Victoria Secunda from amazon.com. It will really reveal a lot of things about your relationship with your mother and in turn yourself. Your mother sounds like what the author calls a "smotherer" i.e a mother that doesn't give her child space and lives vicariously through her daughter i.e wanting to be involved in every aspect of your life like knowing who all your friends are.This was the first book I read to understand myself and my depression and it started me on the path to healing and I can honestly say that I've been better since! Other books I recommend are:The Dance of Intimacy- by Harriet LernerToxic Parents- by Susan ForwardRecovery from Co-dependency- by Laurie Weiss and Jonathan WeissHealing the Shame that Binds you- By John BradshawIntrovert Advantage- by Marti Olsen.I hope this helps! Best of luck.
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