A
male
age
41-50,
*fries22
writes:(Mod Note - OP's own title) How can I help my girlfriend understand that I need to see and feel more affection from her?I've talked to her, but I'm not convinced that she is hearing me. So I'm not sure if she just doesn't know how, or was raised that way. She says the typical hipocritical response of "Yeah, I wanna do more too." But it's like she doesn't know how. I think we are very honest in our relationship of 7 months now.I'm 31 and she is 40. The age difference is nothing new to me or her, but what is new to her is that I'm the first steady boyfriend she has had. I've had three long term relationships and have admitted that I have baggage, just like her. Just different types of baggage, I mean, hell, who doesn't???Maybe the better question is how can I help us both teach each other how to receive the love that we want??? I deffinately know that I WANT to be shown affection, and it doesn't have to be constant. I'm not needy, but I am persistant in getting what I want. I'm a go-getter, and she is more laid back. We had a couple of break ups on both sides early on, because I was suffocating her, and she helped me realize what that acctually meant. I was ignorant about the concept. BUT knowing this, I wish she WOULD show me affection, rather than asking for it. You know, balance it. Because I feel like I'm sliding into that bad person I don't want to be- which is anger, inconsideration, and oppression. I DO NOT want to be this person and I've told her this. I've asked her to help me help her, you know. Being that- I love showing her love and affection- maybe too much. I need her to show me and make me feel the same way in return or else rejection sets in and when my bad side comes out she gets stressed. I told her this, and it's like she steps on her own toes. I really feel she has a great genuine heart and loves me, and I really feel like I am in love with her. When we first got together I wanted nothing to do with marriage again, but now I do want to be married to her eventually. Let's say less than 5 years for those who are asking. I've been married before, but all that's another story. I just think she doesn't know what to do? Or how?? I don't know, maybe if I keep talking to her about it. I've read a lot on here and I know that it's best to talk about these things when it's a calm environment, but let's be honest. Typically, if things aren't broken you're not going to talk about upgrades you know? Henceforth, when people are in the heat of it is usually when the truth comes out. I know I have a lot of work on my end with being angry. I just hope maybe someone here has some suggestions other than what I've already mentioned here? I'm just tired of making the first move and being the leader all the time, so any proactive advice for a woman would really help. Thank you. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (7 February 2010):
 When you ask her, be affectionate! She would say, why, for what? Maybe she doesn't know how to touch a man. You don't go into a relationship for 7 months and be angry nothing touch feely been going on. When you first date a woman, you tell her what you like, show her, guide her hand towards your body. Now that she is laid back she's going to ask why now? We'are already together? You need to start over fresh. Court her over again on Valentine's Day. That's the perfect excuse for trying something new. Until now don't talk about the touch subject again. Bring her to a nice restaurant with lots of private space. Tease her, be humorous. Enjoy your night and from then on establish a routine (not in the sense that's mechanical) that leads to her being rewarded by mind blowing sex. Tell her I like it when you touch me here, kiss me there. If you are aggressive, she's passive you need to meet half way. There are women who are not sexually open. They thought once you are committed what's the point of enjoying sex? What's the need? You need to stay away from those women. I would be angry too if I were you. You don't have to think about marriage until you know she is going to be affectionate with you every single day, and that she's doing out of love, not from your demands. It's possible that she is not ready for love. But women at this age just want to be in a relationship. So basically there are people who want to be in a relationship but don't want to be in a relationship. There are also many naturally affectionate women out there. You want to get married in 5 years? How is that number calculated? In 5 years she would be more affectionate? Your body doesn't wait that long. We all have to be sufficient in learning how to be better lovers, because the world doesn't wait. Love is not enough, in the sense of companionship and caring for each other. A marriage is very high maintenance. No one is entitled to a good marriage unless we all work hard at very aspect to make it alive. That includes loyalty, fun, passion, direction, growth and contribution. It's better not to marry than to complain later when one element is missing.
A
female
reader, Brooklyngirl +, writes (7 February 2010):
 She's 40 years old...you aren't going to change her overnight! You may never change her! You can however rebuild her confidence, with love and patience. Anger will just make things so much worse! Love and compassion is the way to go! Communication lines must be kept open!
Good Luck!
~BG~
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