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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I’m in a bit of a pickle, dear Aunts and Uncles! I wish I could tell a friend of mine something that very much concerns her, but I’m afraid it may really hurt her and maybe force her to do something she otherwise wouldn’t.I know that she has problems but our friendship has never suffered because of them. She has always been nice and supportive and I’ve known her for over 20 years. When I say problems, in a nutshell, she can be arrogant, snobbish, looks for people “of the same class” to socialize with. This has cost her a lot in her life. Especially in her private life. She barely had a bf (we turn 40 this year) and could never find a partner since she has always looked for someone who will fit her bill.Anyway, my sister started dating a guy who works for the same company as this friend of mine. They got serious and after a while he became a part of the family. He’s really reliable and serious.It all started when he said that it was nice to see the kinder side of my friend and that that has motivated him to tell me something. Long story short, I realized that she has been feeding me bits and pieces of information not giving me the whole picture of what’s going on with her. For instance, she talked about the last man she was interested in and how he was showing signs that he may be interested as well… What she neglected to say is that he’s married and that his wife’s pregnant. My soon to be brother in law has also said that the guy is not interested in her (adores his wife and has never showed interest in other women, at least not at work) and that she is practically stalking him. And that’s not the first time. There were others. And they're always successful, directors... Some men would be nice to her because they didn’t want to be rude. Some would use her interest to feed their egos, lead her along and when something would finally have to happen (like them inviting her out) they would just drop all contact with her. That much I gathered even before. People are talking behind her back and the sad thing is she’s giving them the material. I know her and I think that she really believes that nobody sees anything, otherwise she wouldn’t be able to carry on.I just don’t know what to do… I don’t want to hurt her. But it’s obvious that she painted a certain picture for me and that she lied. It’s none of my business since her lies did not hurt me, but it’s really weird and I just wish I could tell her. But she may decide to quit her job and she needs it.If it were me I'd like to know.But I don't know if I have the right to tell her this. On the other hand, my sister's bf told me that he got the impression that things aren't getting better. It may even be getting worse.Thank you!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2017): Thank you so much for your answers!I've mentioned therapy a few times, but she kept insisting that she had gotten all her problems solved and that she was fine. Needles to say she is not and as I said she maybe even getting worse.Could be a daddy issue.Her dad left the family when she was young and basically she has been looking for someone who'll not only take care of her needs, but be successful even famous (then she'll have shown him!). When we met she was an intern and then worked for a while in the film and TV industry. She kept falling for actors, directors, singers... she has never even once looked at "ordinary" people, technicians, scene workers etc. I used to tease her, but she would always say that she simply doesn't notice anybody else and that there are very few people that can really interest her.I'll think about it some more, but in the end I'll have to tell her something. Even if I lose her as a friend at least I'll know that I tried to help her.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (27 October 2017):
 So you want to tell your delusional friend that she is living in a fantasy world and that she needs to grow up and get her head on straight?
If so, that is going to be VERY hard to do. There is a REASON she lives in her own little fantasy world when it comes to men.
If she is behaving in a way where people are "embarrassed" her her behalf because she is acting like a nutter... it's still hard to tell her that. Because? Would she believe you? Or would she assume that you are either jealous of her, just plain mean or the one in denial...
You see what I'm getting at?
People who (for instance) STALK other people have a totally screwed up perception of reality and when confronted WITH reality they quite often (if not MOST of the time) REFUSE to accept that there is something not right with THEM. I think your friend is living partly in some fantasy la-la land and telling her that she is acting like a loony toon (no matter how careful you word it) it's not going to be received lightly.
I can't even imagine being in your shoes and what I would tell a good friend who acted this way. Mostly because I'm a fairly blunt person (if people ask) and pretty quiet (if people don't ask).
Before you do anything, you HAVE to ask yourself, do you think you can make a difference for her? Get her to seek help/counseling? Or what are you hoping will change?
Changing other's is almost impossible, trying to get someone who is in denial to change? I think that IS impossible.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (27 October 2017):
 Your friend obviously lacks in self confidence and she tries to cover it up and go for men that she cannot have. You could have a word with her but if I am being honest I don't think it would go down well with her at all. Am sure she knows rightly what she is doing but what she doesn't see is others can see it as well. Personally I would take a step back and let her do what she wants in her own life.
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A
male
reader, Allumeuse  +, writes (27 October 2017):
Wow yes that's tough. I suppose you can approach it in two ways. The first and probably recommended is that your aim is to try and help her break a pattern of behaviour which is to find unavalible, disinterested men who meet her standards of acceptable mates but are actually not looking at her in anything like the same way,and then in a way attempting to turn them on to her.The second is to break it to her that this pattern of behaviour has not gone unnoticed and has made her a figure of amusement. The first will be helpful the second may be helpful in that she'll stop but you haven't fixed why she feels she has to fixate on these men that are little more than strangers and certainly not boyfriend material.There may be some difficult conversations ahead. She may not be being honest with herself about how interested these people are and that will be difficult to break down. The fact that she feeds you morsels of information implies she might be trying to hide things from you which may mean on some level she knows if others know too much that they will call her out on her fantastical take on events. It might be if you systematically dismantle on of these yarns by asking very specific questions you might get to the truth, but expect resistance and anger,denial. You could be more gentle, explain you have her best interests at heart and you want to show her that she keeps repeating this unhealthy pattern. List all the examples you know. Ask her if she keeps picking these men because they meet her model standard of acceptable mate but explain that they don't really because they are taken, or not interested etc. If she accepts that you are correct they you are halfway there. Unpacking why she has these unrealistic standards is tougher. Does she unconsciously want to fail to connect so that she isn't hurt more in the long run. Does she hold herself in such regard that only these men from such a narrow band will make her happy. Why can't she see that good men come from many backgrounds. She may have a lifestyle in mind that she won't let go of. She may not want help. She might cling to these hopes- she is middle aged now and reality has still not broken through. If you choose to tackle it, expect to see some anger before any acceptance. Good luck
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