A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm dating a great guy and it's sadly long distance. We do as much as we can to skype as often as possible and so far, it's working out well. When we are together (every three weeks or so) we are always having a great time.My boyfriend has had a pretty rough past so it's difficult for him to share his feelings. I've learned some of his ways of showing affection. One of my biggest fears is that he won't ever tell me he loves me. I know it in my heart that he does, but he's never said it. Knowing his background story makes it easy for me to understand why he hasn't told me that either. At the same time, I feel like I need to hear that I'm loved by him. Should I continue to stand by his side, be patient and hope that someday, he'll tell me he loves me or do I deserve someone that will share their feelings with me?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 October 2011):
 My Boyfriend never says "I love you" we've been together 11 months and I think I've heard it from him ONCE (and he was drunk)....I Know he loves me. he told me early on that he can't SAY those words. HE KNOWS it's a limitation he has.
I had to learn that just because he does not say it does not mean that it's not true. I learned that his ACTIONS tell me he loves me. I also learned that telling him "I love you" will NOT get me "I love you too".... so I NEVER say it just to hear it back.
Actions speak louder than words. Of course only being together every 3 weeks is not fabulous either...do you guys have plans to close the distance?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2011): I have a long distance boyfriend,who has difficulty in sharing emotionally. I would share how I felt, and I made a comment on how he keeps things close to his chest, and he was a little annoyed that i was "pressuring" him, until I explained to him that I was simply making the observation and that I wanted him to only share what he is comfortable with sharing, and that I respected that he has his way of doing things and that's ok, and that although it's nice to hear, I only wanted him to say how he felt about me if he wanted to not because he felt he had to. Since then I have been amazed at how he has opened up and now he often tells me how feels about me, how much he loves me and things I wasn't sure I would ever hear, but already knew that he felt from the way he acts with me. Give him time and let him know the way you feel for him, and make sure he knows that your respectful of his right to do things his way too, and you may just get what you desire in time. I hope this helps, good luck.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (3 October 2011):
when people have a hard time expressing their feelings, all you can do is to try your best to model a healthier behavior yourself (such as by sharing your feelings with them even if they're not reciprocating and sharing with you), and creating an environment that's "emotionally safe" to make it more likely that they will at some point start to feel more at ease. Part of creating a 'safe' environment is to not pressure them. so for example, you could tell him that you love him but without doing so in a way that makes him feel pressured to say it back. Or, you might not want to tell him that yet since that could be too "loaded" a thing to share, and carry too much pressure, and thus you could instead start by sharing other less intense feelings with him but without trying to pry the same out of him. Make it OK for him not to share his feelings with you, you will still share yours with him so he can slowly get used to the idea of how it's done...however you should only share at a level that doesn't overwhelm him - many times people who are emotionally repressed are uncomfortable not just with sharing their own feelings but also with displays of emotion from other people. So go at his pace so he doesn't feel overwhelmed whether by the pressure to say something back, or by having to respond to your disclosures.
It can get discouraging and feel like the relationship is one-sided if you're disclosing a lot of yourself and sharing a lot of yourself and he's not doing the same. so you should only give as much as you can comfortably give (to model the healthier behavior for him and establish an environment where he may one day feel 'safe' to do the same) without expecting him to reciprocate.
Then one day if and when he starts to open up a little, you have to resist the urge to jump on this opportunity and expect heart-to-heart conversations immediately, that will for sure send him back into his shell. Just continue to respond at his comfort level.
You also have to accept that there are limits for how expressive some people will be no matter how much time and encouragement you give them. you may have to dig deeper into yourself and think about just how important is it for you, to hear him say he loves you, and would it be sufficient if he showed his love in other ways. What does it "mean" if he never says it, if his actions otherwise make you believe that he does? and, could you look at it differently and maybe lessen the weight you give to this?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2011): Hi, there.
I have a lovely fella, we have been together for two years now, and he also has a rough emotional past. He is, however, very affectionate with me, and he does say " I love you". He keeps me happy, there is a lot of emotional intimacy. If you don't feel like this fellow is fuffilling your need for emomtional intimacy, that could come to be a big problem. It is pretty much the most important thing in lasting relationships. I feel like you should definitely ask him. If his not willing to say it is something that is going to hurt you in the future, you need to think about how much it will affect you as you transition into new stages in your relationship. That being said, best of luck to you, be happy!
- Grace
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A
female
reader, nanabear456 +, writes (3 October 2011):
 if you really love him then wait.
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