A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:First of all, I would like to state that I am in no way vain or conceited, just genuinely confused on what happened here. I am 27 years old, I have a Master's Degree, I work at a publishing company, and I'm fairly attractive.I met a guy back in July of 2010 and we became friends with benefits. I fell very hard for him. In December, I started to feel that he wasn't so interested in me, so I decided that maybe it was time to walk away before I got hurt. I told him that I wanted out now before it went any further, and we stopped talking to each other. A couple weeks ago I got in touch with him and apologized for my behavior. We starting talking again in a friendly manner. I asked him what he was up to and he said he and his girlfriend just broke up. I didn't push the subject much, but he started to let it all pour out. I really didn't want to know when they started dating or the reasons why they split because it just twisted the knife. He told me they starting talking in the beginning of December, which was when I started to suspect his interests lay elsewhere. He then proceeded to tell me who she was. I know this girl, strictly as acquaintances. She works at a 15 minute oil change center. She constantly complains of pains in her stomach, head, back, knees, etc. As far as I can tell, she has nothing in common with the guy. She's boring, she's a whiner, and from my conversation with the guy, she had no interest in sex. She is very plain looking and takes no pride in how she dresses herself, and she has a slovenly air about her. Her looks really aren't the problem I'm having here, I know tons of people that have below average looks and are awesome catches. But no, not her. The whole package she presents would make any man with a brain run far away. I'm relatively confused. He and I had a great friendship while we were dating, we had lots in common. He was a writer, I'm an editor. He works at a university close to where I live. I thought he was perfect, I would have moved heaven and earth for him. I never came on too strong, a couple times I hinted to my feelings for him but I never dumped them in front of him. I didn't stalk him or call him constantly. He slowly started to drift away from me and I felt it, so I walked away. But she was the reason he was drifting away. It doesn't make sense. Does it make sense to you?He told me she dumped him because he was too intense. I wanted that intensity from him, that was one of the things that attracted me so much. But he wasted it on someone else when I was right there in front of him, willing to give him everything I had. When we talked about what happened between us, he flat out said that he was never in love with me and he thought he made where he stood clear to me. He did, but I still felt strongly for him regardless. He asked me what I had been up to, and I told him that I'm seeing someone but I knew it wasn't going to work. Which is true. He asked me why am I staying. I told him I like safe, and he should know that. I told him a long time ago that he scared me. Not because of his intensity, but what he could do to my emotions.He even brought that up to me, that one of the excuses I gave him was he scared me. What happened here? Did I do something wrong? Should I have told him how I felt about him back when I felt he wasn't as interested in me as I was in him? He's single now and it's driving me up a wall. I want to say something to him, I want to get close to him again and try to make a relationship work, but I'm terrified he's going to reject me. Like I mentioned, our relationship in the beginning was based solely on sex. And it went somewhere I didn't anticipate, at least on my end. Now I'm confused, hurt, and I don't know what to do.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2011): Sounds like he is uninterested. Maybe it's because of the previous sex-buddy situation or maybe something else, but there does seem to be something standing in the way.
If it was me then it would be the sex buddy thing. If a woman has ever done that with anyone then she is usually off my list for GF material. I don't feel compatible with women who can operate that way. It goes against my personal values with sex. It's fine for some people but not for me.
(And NO, I am NOT a hypocrite! I have never indulged in a sex buddy or FWB relationship even though I have had plenty of chances to.)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2011): You have alot in common because you are an editor and he is a writer? That's having alot in common? I love rock and roll, doesn't mean I have anything in common with Axl Rose. I eat, doesn't mean I have anything in common with Martha Stewart. You need to think outside the box more. Maybe that is why he preferred this other girl to you. You seem to be easily impressed by the superficial things. All you've mentioned is that he is a writer, which still says nothing about the guy. Maybe the other girl wasn't so easily taken with his exterior persona, she probably made him work to prove himself, which made her more interesting to him. He shot you a smile and told you he was a writer and you were putty in his hands. He told the other girl the same spiel and she wasn't impressed. So he had to work harder to impress her, which he did, sparked and kept his interest. With you it took no effort so he lost interest quickly. Cause what does that make him think? Makes him feel like you don't have very high standards, that you can easily be duped, and that if it wasn't him it could've been anybody who gives you the same line or tells you he is a writer. A guy doesn't want to feel like just anybody. He wants to feel special. The girl who makes it more difficult to gain his trust makes him feel special. Makes him feel like she is no ordinary fool. That sort of wisdom in a person often is more attractive than a college degree, than what they look like, than where they work.
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy  +, writes (19 May 2011):
 Hi
Well the mistake you both made here was the begining!
When a man and a women decide from the start that they are only interested in sex, then that is how one or both of you will only ever see eachother as, a sex object.
to be honest once you have let a man know he can use your body he will rarely have any respect for you. When he met this other women , who may well be boring, or plain, he saw a women who still had respect for her body , a women who would not just need a man for sex, regardless of how much she liked sex or not. He probally saw you as hard working, a go getter, thrill seeker, but not settling down material.And you you walked away fear of being hurt, it made it clearer to him in his mind. It's never a good thing to have a sex buddy, because someone will always end up getting more feelings than the other, which is only natural, sex is a very intimate show of emotion, so unless your a cold hearted B....H your bound to get stronger feelings as this kind of relationship continues. If you feel your ready for love now, and can except that he is very passionate about his feelings, then give it a shot , what do you have to loose? it's the only way your going to find out. If he still hasn't got any plans of being with you, then at least you will know and can move on from this.
I hope this has helped
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A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (19 May 2011):
 i hate to be blunt, but it really doesn't sound as if he's into you romantically. physically? yes. he finds you attractive. the idea of having sex with you with no strings attached and no emotions sounds great to him. but settling down and having a relationship you just doesn't appear in the cards. it's nothing you've done wrong. but sometimes it's there, and sometimes it's just not. you can't blame yourself or think there's something wrong with you because of it.while you may find his ex to be rather boring and bland, he obviously saw something in her that sparked his interest. people's view on attractiveness is relative. what you find attractive is certainly not necessarily what everyone else finds attractive.if i were you, i'd let this one go. i don't see it as something that's going to go very far. just chalk it up to a loss and move on. there's other fish in the sea that are out there just waiting on you.
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