A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:How do you forgive and forget someone who lied to you?My boyfriend lied to me during the first 1.5 years of our relationship. I knew he kept in touch with his ex and I was fine with it, thinking they were platonic friends. But I didn't realize he never told her about me and lead her to believe she still had a chance with him. He even went as far as to block her number on his phone when he's out with me and unblock her when I'm not there. I know this because I caught him in a lie, asked to look at his phone, and checked his call logs in front of him and noticed a blocked folder on his phone with voicemails from her. But then also noticed regular calls and voicemails that are not in the blocked folder.Anyways, I know those lies were from 1.5 years ago, and they no longer are in contact... part of me knows that. But the other part of me finds it hard to trust him and feels that maybe, what if he is still keeping contact with her but hides it better?Aside from this, we have a pretty good relationship... I just don't know how to leave what happened in the past and focus on what we have now. Please advise
View related questions:
his ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (16 November 2016):
 After seeing your update it makes things worse, as his reasons for lying to you are a load of crap. He was protecting himself, not you or her. I think he was struggling to let go off the past and accept he was with you.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (15 November 2016):
I don't blame you for having trust issues. He betrayed you big time by lying to you. Did he ever explain to you why he did this? Maybe you need closure on this to move forward in the relationship. I had someone do this to me and well I couldn't trust him again because I knew if he could do it once on me and I forgave him he would think it is okay to do it again.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2016): Hello Honeypie, I'm the OP. Since 1 year and a half ago, he has openly told her that he is in a committed relationship with me and blocked. He says they no longer communicate. I have not checked his phone. I'm trying to trust him, but the past still haunts me.I did talk to him face to face about his lying and need to lie, because I told him I was OK with them keeping in touch as friends - platonic friends, so he had no reason to lie. His explanation for not telling her that he was in a serious relationship with me was because he knew she wasn't over him and didn't want to upset her. Then the reason why he lied to me is because he saw how upset I was after finding out she didn't know about us that he decided to lie to 'show' me that he can handle being friends with her, even though she might have other ideas of reconciliation with him. My response to him was that I was under the impression they were platonic friends - now she still had feelings for him at the time, so they were NOT platonic. He should've told her straight that he was with someone else already - then it will be up to her to decide whether she still wants to be friends with him - not for him to lead her on causing her to think she still had a chance. And I said, if he had wanted to show me he is responsible, he would've temporarily cut ties with her if she was NOT OK with the fact that he has moved on with someone else. Even after all this I find it hard to fully trust him again.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 November 2016):
 How was the issue resolved?
Did you catch him and then you two talked about it?
Or did you find out and he supposedly stopped on his own?
Did he know and understand how it hurt your feelings lying to you and going behind your back?
Does the ex-GF know about you now?
Yes, he could STILL be in contact with her and hide it better. But depending on HOW it all came out in the open and what he gave as a reason to LIE to you and continue to talk to her maybe it's more likely that he realized it was not OK.
If something IN your relationship bugs you, you need to talk to him about it. There is no "fix" that will make you forget. Forgiveness is one thing, but we never forget. Just not how humans are wired.
You could tell him, there is the thing that bugs me and I might be way out of line, but back in the day when you still talked to your ex-GF - why did you lie to me about it? He might not LIKE this conversation but maybe you need a little clarity.
To have a conversation about lying I think is important. Lies destroy trust in a heartbeat. And it's HARD to come back after that.
So be honest with him, don't be accusatory but TALK about it.
And IF you feel he is being honest now, TRUST him. And please OP have this conversation in person. Not over text/phone. Gauge his reaction, his body language it will probably tell you a lot more than you would get over the phone.
No matter what, YOU can not control his actions. You can't STOP him from doing stupid stuff by going through his phone or put a GPS tracker on his phone (yeah people do that) - so you HAVE to learn how to communicate with him.
Good luck.
...............................
|
