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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a little over 5 years.He is a nice guy, but I am not in love with him anymore. I find that we have drifted apart, no longer have the same interests, and that my feelings have just changed over the last year or so. Well, over this summer break I have mentioned to him twice now about how my feelings have changed and he will just not accept it. In a way, he will just not let me go and tells me we can work it out. He will cry and get upset and such telling me don't go, he's nothing with out me, etc. This has happened both times I've talked with him. He is completely aware of my feelings.The thing is, we have tried to work it out and it's just not going in the right direction. He is very much a home body who loves video games (he does this for a living) and I am very much an outdoorsy person who is on the go a lot. We don't do much together despite me offering to go places. Sometimes I just feel like changing my number and basically disappearing from his life with no further explanation and no further contact because if I tell him or try to talk to him, he freaks out. In a way I understand him being upset and not wanting to break up, and I feel bad, but I do not want this anymore. How do I go about doing this? I want to do this the right way
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (16 August 2015):
 You two don't live together do you?
If you do, well you need to find another place (IF it is his place) or give him 30 days to move out (IF it's yours).
If you don't live together it can be a bit easier to do this. Met up in a neutral place, it can be semi public but I wouldn't pick a crowded place, that way he might not do the whole drama cry thing. And you can say what you feel and end it.
Make sure you tell him you want no contact after this little meeting. If he doesn't RESPECT that (and calls/text you) feel free to change number or block his.
He knows you are not happy, but he doesn't want to let go, and that is not fair.
Do it for you.
A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (16 August 2015):
 Regrettably, there is no right way to break up. From experience, the only thing I could suggest is to keep the break up conversation short, and not to get engaged in debates. If you have made up your mind, as you did, then break up in the way that you think it should be done. Your idea about changing the number and "disappearing" should be an option. In your case, I'd also suggest you leave him with an explanation as in a letter of some sort explaining why you are leaving him and maybe a suggestion how he needs to change so that a woman does not feel so neglected as do you. Some men change in earnest after the jolt of a huge loss which is what your guy will probably experience.
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A
male
reader, mfj78  +, writes (16 August 2015):
Hi thereWe get a lot of posts from people your age in this situation. At least in terms of the way the relationship has gone from being two close teenagers with lots in common to two young adults with different needs and outlooks on life.Its rare for someone to spend their entire life with a partner they met as a teenager simply because the first half of our twenties subjects us to so much change: sexually, emotionally, our outlook on life, our interests and our needs all develop massively. Sometimes it happens at the same pace and in the same direction, usually however it ends with one out maturing the other and/or wanting very different things and having different needs.Such things can be hard to swallow. Getting together as a teenager and being together for over five years seems an awful long time when you are young. To end that is daunting and facing adult life for the first time without the person you have spent most of your adolescence and early adulthood with is a big thing.As teens we tend to think of forever as being, well, forever. As we get towards our mid twenties we become more aware of the passage of time and more realistic about our future. Its hard to accept the person you have spent five years with is not the one for you, even more so when you have "grown up" with this person. HOWEVER - you know deep down this isn't what you want. You have out matured him maybe and certainly now have different outlook and differing needs to him now. Your relationship hasn't failed, you haven't done anything wrong, its simply a case of a young couple outgrowing each other and needing to move on.That isn't going to change. You want an outdoors life, fun, adventure, some one you can relate to. He wants to sit at home playing games. Nothing wrong with either but if he isn't an outgoing person it would be hard to get him to do the things you want, and if he doesn't WANT to do them what is the point?Of course any relationship should be based around give and take, but there is a limit. If you are both trying to do things which is the opposite of your personality too much it will build resentment. You shouldn't try and change a partner and likewise he shouldn't change for you (within reason of course)The only course of action now is to leave the relationship. If you stick around then what? You could waste another five years trying to walk away but staying out of misguided loyalty and because you don't want to hurt his feelings.Im sorry but in adult life you have to make tough decisions. Ones that others wont like. Often those you care about and love. I know its hard and we have all been there, but the kindest thing to do for both of you is to end it. You do not need his approval to end this relationship, neither do you have to avoid hurting him. I'm afraid he will have to deal with it and the longer you let it drag out the harder it will be for you to do it, and for him to accept it. You need to be strong - yes he will cry, he will beg, he will tell you he is nothing without you, all those things that people DO say when a relationship ends against their wishes but if you don't want to be in this relationship don't let him use emotional blackmail to stop you leaving.In time he will meet someone with needs similar to his, someone who has a similar outlook. Its unkind to let him keep you when your not what he needs and unkind of him not to let you go.You haven't signed a contract to stay with him regardless, you have no reason to feel guilty as the situation is beyond your control: you haven't cheated, lied or deceived, neither have you just wanted to end this on a whim. The passage of time and the fact you have both matured in different directions and developed differing, contrasting needs is the cause.You need to spend less time thinking about it, give less head space wondering how to do it as kindly as possible and avoid putting it off. Just have a firm, strong talk and say "im sorry but its over".Hard? Yes! But it doesn't make you a horrible person. To be fair he has known for a year that you feel that way but he hasn't done anything to change it. If he freaks out you must rise above it else you will feel pity and pity I not the basis of happy relationships.To be blunt - just do it. Be in control of your own life. One day you will want to settle down and presumably have children. It wont be with this man and if you let the years drift by (as you have this last year) then you need to think of the conscequences of that. let us know the outcome please.Mark
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (16 August 2015):
 You will need to be the one to walk away and take initiative. Start by spending less time together and slowly decrease over time. Minimize contact and ease out of the relationship since he is having a hard time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2015): The right way is:
face-to-face, you tell him, if he doesn't accept it, tough luck,you still walk out.
I didn't in the past precisely coz I didn't want to hurt him and things did not work out so well for either of us.
If he gets upset (normal,btw): "I'm sorry. I wish I could see a future for us,but at the present-I can't". If he says"We will fix it." "We tried, honey, we gave it our best, but it did not work out."
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