A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating my boyfriend since 9/14/13. On 12/13/13, his 23-year-old son committed suicide. He and his ex split up many years ago and he had not physically been involved in the kids’ lives for about 10 years or so, though he did still keep in contact with them. Obviously this has completely shaken his world, and to make matters worse his youngest son (a senior in high school) is now trying to figure out if he wants him in his life or not. This has been extremely tough on him and I cannot imagine the pain he is feeling. I am doing my best to be as understanding as possible and I have been beside him through this whole thing. I have researched the different phases of grief that he is going to go through, and have bought him books to read that might comfort him and let him know he is not alone. He doesn’t want to get involved in any type of group therapy. Ever since the incident in December, he has become very distant towards me. He has not done anything wrong, but I can tell day by day he is slipping a little farther away. He has told me that he can’t commit to me now because everyone he has ever loved has either left him or died. He says this is the whole reason he is distancing himself from me. I have told him that I will continue to be by his side until he tells me that he doesn’t want me there any more. I love him unconditionally and when I say I will be there, I will be there. He has already told me that he cannot give me 100% in our relationship because he’s too scared. I don’t know if this will ever change but I’m willing to take a chance on him to find out. He tells me that he loves me, but I’m just afraid that as more time goes on he will pull farther away from me, and I in turn, expecting the worst, will start pulling away as well. I guess my question would be – is there anything I can do besides just be there for him and support him with everything I’ve got? I am just worried that at some point I’m going to give all I have, and if he’s pushing me away and not reciprocating, that I’m going to run out of steam. Any help would be appreciated. Thank you!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2014): I know this must be tough for you, but there really isn't much you can do. You haven't beeen in his life long enough to really be an emotional support in my opinion. The best thing I think you can do for him is to let him know you are there if he needs you, and that you want him to reach out to you for anything you can help with. Let him know that you realize this is a really hard time for him and that he might not feel up to the normal trappings of a relationship right now but whenever he's ready again, you'll be there. Then I'd give it about 2-3 months, and if he still hasn't reached out to you, try setting up some small short dates. Grief needs time, but too much grieving can be bad too, so after a while I'd try to help him move on.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (4 March 2014):
 WE guys prefer to be in our caves if/when we experience some of life's stresses. It's just "who we are."
Give him lots of scope for, say, 3 months.... then be back in contact and see how he is doing.... You (and he) may choose to re-start what you have, now..... OR, he may have changed enough so that you and he have to go your separate ways.... Either way..... YOU can't change matters... so don't frustrate yourself, trying...
Good luck....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2014): In the past eight years I've lost my partner of 28 years to cancer, and two of my sisters. I lost yet another sister in the 90's. That totals three sisters. Then in April of 2013, I was dumped by someone after a brief 10-month relationship. It was good while it lasted.
As a person who grief has visited several times; I can say from experience, you can still give support from a distance.
I didn't have to face unnatural causes or tragedies like suicide, or an accident. However; I can say regardless of the reason, the overwhelming sense of loss is horrible. Regardless of the cause of death. The finality is pulverizing.
He knows you're there, just back off. Don't make this about you.
I understand you will miss your boyfriend; but men don't like exposing their emotions in-front of people. Speaking from my own experience, nothing annoyed me more than people trying to cheer me up, when I just wasn't in the mood. I may be different in the fact I have a very strong support-system made-up of both family and friends.
I always knew they were close at-hand. I still needed my time in isolation to deal with my own feelings. I had to put on a face of strength for the sake of my family. Some are not as strong as I am; so I had to pull it together, and be on standby, physically and psychologically.
I am gay, and in the late 80's and early 90's, many of my wonderful and beautiful friends were lost to AIDS. They were cutoff in their prime. They were creative and good men. It hurt knowing they were not careful in spite of the threat. I reached out to their families, and still do keep in-touch. Tears well-up when the memories come to mind; but I push on. I am fortunately a resilient person. My Native American heritage plays a big part of how I view death.
My religious beliefs give me hope, solace, and peace; because spirituality gives me the strength to persevere.
If these unfortunate incidents in his life are recent and ongoing events. They have simply taken their toll on him. Textbooks don't help when you've just lost someone. The kindness of well-meaning people means a lot; but it takes time for it all to take effect. He is in shock, angry, hopeless, and not in a normal frame of mind to cope with you and your feelings. They are not that important to him right not. I don't expect you to accept or understand that. Women handle their emotions differently from men.
He has a different personality; so I can't compare our feelings. Grief is grief. The feeling of loss when you know someone is not coming back will finally settle in.
Meanwhile; grief makes you illogical, scared, depressed, and makes everything seem hopeless. There is no way to gauge or measure it. It comes and goes; but when it hits you, it is like a building has collapsed on you.
It will help if you yourself seek grief counseling in his stead. That will help you to deal with a person going through it. Then you will understand better, than by reading about it.
Don't compare how you may have handled it to his. You and I may have reached out for help. maybe he isn't that kind of guy. He'd rather be left alone to hide like an injured beast, to lick his wounds. That is not uncommon in men.
I wasn't ready for people until weeks into it. I turned off my phone. My friends were literally pounding at my door when my sister passed last year. I thought it was a home-invasion. They were totally afraid because I quickly respond to messages or pickup quickly after the phone rings.
So sudden changes in normal behavior are also characteristic of going through the process of grief.
They were just upset I wouldn't answer calls or messages. I owed it to them to let them know I was okay.
I put on a voice-mail message I was only taking calls from family, and that helped. They are stubborn. They came over anyway. Sometimes that's what you have to do. To be sure he's eating, and not self-medicating with alcohol.
His grief is complicated by guilt. He was estranged from his family; therefore, he must deal with regret. The stupid shouldah-couldah-wouldahs that people face "after the fact."
Self-pity and other non-sense that should have been considered when the dearly-departed with breathing and had a heartbeat.
Leave him alone and check on him. Give help to his family receptive to your efforts. Bring him meals and tap on the door unannounced. If he doesn't answer, leave a note and some prepared food.
He'll start to miss you, and he'll need your comfort. Let him come to you. Don't push it. Deal with your loneliness by staying busy; but don't let it keep you down. It will not be inappropriate or unsympathetic to go about your life as usual.
At some point, that is what he'll have to do. He'll come around. You are not dealing with him right now. You are dealing with his grief. It isn't rational, respectful, or appreciative. That's why we call it grief.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 March 2014):
 I would look for a grief counselor in your area and give the number/info to your BF tell him to seek help.
I think the IDEA of you promising to be there til he says go away, but I also think it's unrealistic of you.
You love him, no doubt. But if he expects you to "live" on the table-scraps" of affection, love and interactions because HE refuses to deal with his grief you are shooting yourself in the foot. You will run out of steam if HE doesn't accept that HE needs help, and HE gets help. YOU can't FIX this with love or promises.
It's been almost 4 months and it's only just begun.
As for his other son, again, nothing you can do. Nothing HE can do other then IF he makes promises to BE there he better stick to it.
I'm sorry for his loss.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2014): Let him know that you're there for him whenever he wants to talk, but let him come around in his own time. It's likely he won't be the same guy you used to know, because obviously his son is a huge part of his life. Try taking him out to dinner or do things that'll get his mind off it. Bear in mind, he'll never be completely over his son. Remind him that his son is probably somewhere up in the sky looking down, and not wanting his daddy to be upset. Try to stay as normal as you can. Tell him, yo'll be ther for him when he needs you, and when he says something about everyone he loves dying or leaving just simply say, Hey, I'm still here! I always will be, and nothing will keep me away." Go for a holiday to get his mind off it a bit. Bear in mind he may snap a little, don't be afended by this it's going to happen. Don't let him push you away, and don't get in to a snappish mode yourself. Good luck x!
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