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female
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anonymous
writes: Novella:I am in QUITE a pickle. I never thought I'd be in such a horrible mess, ever. I really need help but my situation is a long term mess that's diffcult and long winded to explain.I had dated a boy for 8 years in my 20's. We lived together, fighting often in a very difficult way. We saw life from very different views....I put myself through college and worked full time the entire time. He was raised by a family who basically gave him money just so he didnt become difficult. He spent months on the couch playing xbox and not working. He held 27+ jobs in 6 years. The longest held job was 6 months. Things often became very difficult. I would max out my charge cards to pay the bills. I cried so hard often feeling trapped. We didnt maintain a normal relationship. I was like a mother, pushing him to do more with himself and trying to built his self esteem. I always said I wanted to be proud of him and did not want to feel ashamed that we struggled. He's a very dramatic individual. He has difficulty keeping friends (we had a few short term ones while we dated...) and behaves like a child. Please understand I am not pointing fingers. I am equally bossy and an organiser.Our relationship was very unhealthy. There were few truly happy tiems. Time in which we did not struggle or fight. He cheated ofetn in the first 5 years, always being caught. Which instead of being sad and sorry he was angry I caught him. Unhealthy was an understatement. I saw this many times and tried to break it off. I was often depressed and felt sick. To this day interactions with him give me immediate stress and feelings of illness.We had broke up several times, but the comfort we had kept bring us together ( my mom had cancer and we got back together because he was so supportive). I felt so trapped. Financially and emotionally. I had not been attracted to him for years, and often pitied him. Yet I was so trapped. LOL He has asked me to marry him so many time. Usually I'd be ill, or have to lie down. At this moment most girls would feel excited, I would just feel overwhelmed. I told him I would NEVER marry someone who offered me such a bleak future. But my happiness is not whats important in his world, only his happiness matters.2 years ago after a stress laden month from hell, I insisted he move in with his sister who lives out of state on an army base. She told us he could get a great job with the government there. We had gotten ourselves in over our heads and well before we were 30, we were flat broke. $20 grand in debt. He moved down to Missouri and I started to feel great. I was still stressed out, but I was able to manage it MUCH better, without his constant drama.But yet again he COULDNT keep a job for more than 2 weeks. He would call me and tell me that he was sending money for rent and send a whopping $20. After 6 months he called me and told me that he was sick of being a loser and had joined the military.To be honest, I was excited for him. He needed to do some serious growing up. He needed to learn self disipline and earn some self esteem. I went in in October 05. Since He went in, I have tried to tell him that I really needed to be on my own. But instantly, He treatens that he will stop paying his portion of our bills. I have moved in with a friend and pay for my living and business myself. I consolidated our bills last year all in my name to help keep track of everytime, but now I'm even more able to be screwed financially.In January, I met the MOST amazing guy. I did not go out looking for love, it just happened. I rarely fight with him he's very low drama. I can say that I have NEVER been so happy in my life. I know wholeheartedly I have met the one for me. He often tell me the same thing. Yet, there's still the business of the boy I lived with forever. He feels we are meant to be. I still talk with him several times a week giving him pep talks. I have TRIED my hardest to tell him I need to move on, yet it's VERY tough with him. I really dont know what to do. I cant sleep at night. I feel great senses of guilt. I really care for him and really want him to be happy, but I cannot be to one who makes him happy. He has not changed, grown or earned my respect. I am proud he still has a job and hasnt gone awol.I am the only person who supports him. He has nobody. I am carrying a huge burden. I have no idea what to do. We are finally making a dent in our debt since he has a steady paycheck. I really wish we could be civil adults and just say, I am unhappy and have been for some time. Yet we have collected some debt and I still expect you to cover your half. If it were that simple, The last 10 attempts to say so would have worked.How do I do this? IT HAS to be done. It's wearing my emotions so thin. I do care about him. But,I can't handle crying any longer over this. He wants to come home for the holidays and spent the holidays with his family, who he has grown very close to. AAHHHHHH!I want to be able to enjoy being in love, in a healthy realtionship. Yet I carry a very heavy burden. HELP!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2006): U have 2 choices :
1. Get carried away by your emotions and a false sense of responsibility, keep feeling for this guy, your role etc and lose every love that'll come your way. This will be the only relationship you'll have till u are 60...80...
2 Make a clean break - TODAY...NOW. Let go of this abusive relationship (you are not being responsible - you are being abused and u'r helping that). Break old habits by developing new habits e.g. 30 min daily walk/ exercise, a new hobby -art, painting, writing, singing, travelling - anything. And give your new love and a non abusive life a chance.
Either U make a conscious choice today ( based on not what is easier to slip into but what has future potential) or life will just hand over option 1 to u.
Let me add that u need to accord even this loser more respect - over little time he will do better than u expect if choose option2.
A
female
reader, snowbird  +, writes (10 October 2006):
 This guy has leaned on you so hard it feels as though you have a child whom you are about to abandon!! You say he has no-one, yet he has a family who he is close to.
He is NOT your responsibility!! He HAS to grow up!!
I'm sorry to say this but he sounds so much like my son, who could'nt work because of health problems, but he grew up - and grew out of most of them, however, I still feel he needs 'looking after', and spent a lot of time in my unhappy marriage just so I could be there for him. In the end, I HAD to leave, as the pressure was too much to bear, and was affecting my health, - much as in your case.
He has coped, and learnt to stand on his own two feet (he IS 27 now), and, like your (ex?); he is a man - so when push comes to shove, the HAVE to become self-reliant.
You do him no favours by always being there for him to lean on, and he has leant on you for far too long already. NOW it is YOUR turn to build a good relationship with your new man, YOU DESERVE it - this is YOUR life, do not waste it.
NO-ONE is ultimately responsible for ANYONE'S happiness - we ALL have the capacity to do it for ourselves, and he is not your child!
Cut the shackles now, before your new man starts to think he is not as important as your ex. Don't lose this one. Look after number ONE for once in your life, you have MORE than earnt it.
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