A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My parter is 40 and I am 27, we live together and everything is great relationship wise. However, my parter is broke. He is in debt to up to 30,000 and he is paying it back slowly. To make matters worse his income is very low so this will probably take about another 15 or 20 years to pay back fully. Over the 4 years we have been together, I have lent him 1200 of my money, usually when he could not make the mortgage repayments. However its been sometime (I stopped giving him money) and he hasn;t paid back (its been about 2 years now). I always said that he didn't have to pay me back unless we separated. However, I always though that his debt came from him starting a business but it turns out a lot of it is due to his ex partner. He said that he lent her over 2000 pounds when they were together, which she never paid back, also paid for her rent and various other things (phones, furniture, laptop). Now that I know its due to his partner, I feel like a mug. I want the 1200 I gave him back because, I dont want to be indirectly helping him pay off his debt that he amassed whilst with his ex. What do I do now? Ask for it back?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2011): I can understand feeling miffed about this but I would not ask for the money back.
Despite whatever influences may have existed at the time, his financial setback is ultimately because of him, not anyone else. It was his choices that put him where he is today. And he didn't borrow money from you to give to his ex. He's paying the money to those who loaned it to him in the first place.
Besides, the time to clarify the conditions of the loan was before handing him the money, not two years after the fact. And allowing him to keep the money unless you separate may sound generous, but it's rather ambiguous and leads to trouble down the road. Either it is a loan to be repaid or it is a gift with no strings attached.
Your boyfriend has a high debt load and low income, which means he is hardly in a position to repay you even if he does agree. Asking for the money back is just going to create new expectations and something else to feel resentful about. Let this one go. You haven't given him anymore money for some time and that's the best thing you can do for yourself.
A
female
reader, VSAddict  +, writes (25 July 2011):
 You should ask for it back. The money that you earned shouldn't be going to someone else he dated. It should be going to his credit card debt or whatever debt he has that's not entitled to his ex. That's his problem, he decided to get himself in that situation, so he needs to pay for it with his own money. And I think you should demand you get your money back whether you're together or not. Even though he's in a tough spot, he got himself there and you deserve to get your money back. So ask him and if he can't, then give him time. But if he's ever able and refuses, then take it to court. But don't let him keep your money just because you two are together. Get it back.
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