A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm trapped and don't know what to do.I want out of my marriage but don't know how I can do it, my partner is a good bit older than I am 17 years my senior, and goes from being over attentive and loving to cold and completely degrades me usually when he has had too much too drink.Which is also becoming a problem, his behaviour changes, and when I try and tell him these things all I get back is I work hard a man deserves a drink.Yes he does work hard, and deserves to reap the rewards, but that doesn't mean he gets to abuse me does it?Well the other night things got really bad again.The things he said to me were horrible, and it was the final straw for me so I stood up and grabbed a family photo and through it across the room, not at him but across the room and the photo smashed.I said that is exactly what your drinking and behaviour has done to us, I'm leaving.Then he shouted at me, and said he is the man of the house and he decides who goes where. Told me to sit down and shut my mouth. Mocked me reminded me that I can't leave, I don't have the means to leave and if I did I couldn't provide for our kid. Tbh he's not wrong.Now I'm stuck in a situation that I don't know how to get out of. I walked out the room to see my kid who heard all of this in their bedroom, and gave her comfort I feel awful she had heard that. I slept in her bed hugging her that night.I got up in the morning to see him passed out on the sofa and when he woke, he was nice and tried to hug me but I didn't want him to, he just tried being nice again.This is the cycle. I can't do it anymore.How do I leave with nothing, I'd even thought about applying for jobs without telling him and trying to save up to find a way or means to leave. My kid is at school and he works during the day. Any time I have suggested that I'd like to return to work, he shuts it down and says it's a insult as though he can't afford to look after us which isn't the case.Aren't I allowed to do something for me? I honestly thought applying for some jobs and not telling him. So I can line my own pocket and get my kids and myself out of this mess.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2022): This is not an equal relationship. This man treats you like you are a subordinate because you are so much younger. He feels because of the age difference you would have been easier to control, mold to whatever he wanted you to be, and to be obedient to all his needs. He doesn't care about yours. Men who marry younger women are usually controlling. I guess you really showed him, didn't you OP. He cannot control you. You are your own woman. In fact, he seems to be the immature little child in this relationship with a whole truckload of baggage. Be proud of yourself for knowing you can do better and for being strong enough to leave this old clown in the dust. He is going to grow old all alone.
A
female
reader, ItsWrittenForYou  +, writes (4 April 2022):
See if he would try going to a Christian church with you. Invite him. See how the community will work and evangelize toward you and him and your situation. No one wants to feel like they are trapped in hell… it could be that way when our partners degrade us. But look at you and your accomplishments. Is he envious ? Is there a way you can help him believe again or to achieve greatness? The Holy Spirit is very sensitive and gets easily offended. I feel that you are trying to apply your convictions and that the way he treats you makes you feel drained. I feel this way too often….you need a buffer system another person that can talk to both of you to harmonize the energy but try to genuinely forgive hun so you can have clarity and hear better for yourself from God as to what to do in the situation….I am so sorry for the abuse you have lived through. I hope my apologies can heal you and remember you deserve to be a Queen breast feeder toward your children to stay better connected…. People try to break that bond between mother and child to make us feel dumber but honestly I would leave my situation too if there were more women who could group together and help support me. Women feel helpless often once they live with a man because they esteem us as wives but treat us like we are their mistresses and I don’t want to be treated like that either. May Jesus heal us all !!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2022): You know the answer. You have to leave him. I can’t see any other option. There are plenty of places there to assist people in your situation. Will it be hard? Perhaps. Will you lose some creature comforts? In the short term.
However the rewards leaving will reap in the years to come will be immeasurable, take the first step. Go.
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A
female
reader, RubyBirtle +, writes (4 April 2022):
www.womensaid.org.uk
www.refuge.org.uk
Two websites for you to look at. The first one has a forum which you can post questions in.
The second organisation runs the National Domestic Abuse Helpline.
Both websites are full of resources to support those who are in varying stages of the process of leaving their abusive partners, ranging from those who are simply at the thinking about it stage to those trying to build lives once they've left.
Both sites offer practical advice as well as psychological support.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 April 2022):
 "Yes he does work hard, and deserves to reap the rewards, but that doesn't mean he gets to abuse me does it?"
Absolutely not!
No.
My advice? Seek legal help. If you can't afford it, seek if Citizen's Advice can help you out.
You are married, so IF you split HE will have to at the very least pay child maintenance. And if you are low or no income, there are options to get help with housing and job training etc. Plus, do you have family and friends who could help you out temporarily?
"I honestly thought applying for some jobs and not telling him."
DEFINITELY get a job so you will have SOME independence and save up some money so you can get away from this guy.
Don't tell him your plans. Talk to a solicitor and make an exit plan. Quietly.
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