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female
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*kgcb
writes: Hi, Well I have all sorts of things going through my head. First of all I am married and I have not been for years. I have been married for 5 years and now we have two kids and I believe that I am only in it for them. I am having an affair and can not stay away from this guy, but he stays with someone else and is unsure rather he wants to leave her or not but either way it goes I can stop the affair its just he makes me feel so good.I started the affair after I saw that my husband isnt really there for me and he only puts hiself first. I lost my job and the time I needed him most he wasnt there for me so I searched elsewhere especially since I already fell out of love with him then, losing my job made it worse. My husband and I sleep in seperate bedrooms and he chose to. He tells me he loves me and wants it to work but does nothing to prove his point, has no goals in life. He was in between jobs for years. I always have to bell him out of things life's situations and gets no appreciation for it. I mean I have done alot of things for this guy and I would have wanted some type of love and affection. He says I keep leaving in the past but I just remind him of all the things I have done and still dooing to the things now that he doesnt do. My question is I want out and he keeps telling me that I am taking his family from him, but when home he aint home so whats the difference. I want out but should I stay for the kids and care less about what his family feels? Really I have been sexually and emotionally out of love with him since 2000 and it is now 2006. What would you do I need help ?
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male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (18 October 2006):
 Hi There,
Well, you do not mention any physical abuse so that is good. are you financially secure enough if you got a divorce? That should be your first question. Asking a lawyer for a price quote would be the first thing.
Then, I would suggest that you forget about hooking up with your side-man affair. He is not interested in beig with you full time. What makes your relationship special is that it is part time. If it ever became full time, he would likely cheat on you too.
If you leave, leave for your own reasons. In this case, I would suggest an ultimatium, since he claims to want to work things out, but is lazy about it. I would tell him he has 3 months to make significant actions towards reconciliation of the marriage, or you file for divorce. It worked for only one couple I know. They are not happy, but they are still working on it, and her trip to the lawyer sparked some active change on his part.
I wrote a book entitled Everything Out of HEr Mouth is a Test: A Man's Guide to the Emotional Needs of Women. You can find it at Franktalks.com. I have helped lots of men figure out to make their women FEEEEEEEEEL good. Maybe it can help your husband too.
I am telling you that it is possible.
-Frank B Kermit
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