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female
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anonymous
writes: I need advice on how to get my husband back. He left three weeks ago to stay at a friend's place. We were together ten years before our marriage four months ago. He wanted out three weeks before the wedding, but we still got married. He was a virgin when we met, and claims he needs to see what sex with other women is like or he'll end up resenting me. He also claims our problems will never go away or get any better(despite our relationship counselling sessions). He says he loves me but isn't in love with me any more. At the moment he's sending me mixed messages. One minute he says he'll always love me, that he'll move back home (at least as friends for the moment). Next minute he won't answer my calls or messages. I know he's seeing someone else - he told me. How do I get my husband to talk to me? How do I get him back? How do I convince him that our marriage is worth fighting for and that happiness is with me?
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male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (26 November 2006):
 Your husband sounds very conflicted...he needs variety, and most men would cheat in silence. I think he feels it is more honorable to break the marriage than to suggest things like swingers clubs and other forms of alternative lifestyles to monogamy. He is right about one thing. He will resent you if he doesn't get to sow his wild oats.
I would suggest that, assuming you are willing, look at including some additional sexual activity...maybe threesomes, and such. Otherwise, he is going to use the "break" to get this out of his system, and the danger of that is he gets used to doing it without you...he may forget the marriage altogether.
I know this does not sound very comforting, but the fact he wanted to back out of the wedding was a major sign.
In my opinion, I do think he loves you, but he is dealing with incredible resentment, and instead of doing it behind your back and lying he is trying to be honest about it...even if it kills the marriage. Not great, but still a place to build on if you are still interested.
-Frank B Kermit
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2006): I don't think it is ever possible to convince someone to love us and to stay committed to us.
Frankly, I do not know why you would want him, his excuse that he was a virgin when you married is really immature and kind of well, stupid. He simply has grown tired of working on your marriage ane even couples therapy has not convinced him to try.
If you do not have children with this man, I think you need to realize that this is a blessing and you ought to let him go and wish him well...He just is not ready to be married to you or anyone else.
Right now you are mostly feeling rejected and scared at what will you do now...try to get some perspective on this and continue your counseling on your own...you do not want to wait years for this man to grow up and start caring about someone else other than himself, it is not healthy for you, let him make the next move if there is to be one.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2006):
I believe in the type of situation you describe the statistics are that most men do come back, if their wife is open to it.
We'd be guessing at what he is trying to work out, so there is no way to tell for sure when he'll put the pieces together that the mariage is worth saving.
Have a meeting where you tell him what kind of things will be unacceptable and break you two up for good (getting diseases or someone pregnant) and under what terms you'd be willing to reestablish your join household (like he has to go into couples therapy when he comes back).
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2006): It seem's like he doesn't want to come back at the moment . He's happy where he's at. Just sit back and let him do his thing. When he see's that your "ready to let go" (or atleast he'll think thgat)then he'll come back. If not then there's nothing you can do. constantly trying to talk to him is just going to push him further away
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