A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband is originally from Spain but moved to the UK to be with me and he now has residency here and we are married and we bought a house together.What i'm finding really annoying is that members of his family (from Spain) keep coming over to stay with us for long periods of time as we have a spare room.Now don't get me wrong - I don't mind having his family over however they don't contribute to any food or housework. If it was for a short stay I'd be fine but they stay for 2-3 months!! They don't clean up after themselves or cook, so after I do a 10 hour shift at work, I have to come home to cook and clean for 1-2 extra people, do their washing and ironing etc...I wouldn't dream of asking them to contribute financially but I have suggested they help out with the chores- I have gone through how the washing machine and Dishwasher work - they know where everything is but don't bother!I feel they are taking advantage of us but my husband is to nice to say anything even though I constantly tell him it's exhausting me!As soon as 1 member leaves, within a month or so another 1 arrives. They are pleasant people but I want my house back! My husband says that he will have a word but never does. HELP!!!
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (13 December 2015):
 I very much doubt anybody is holding a gun to your head forcing you to provide laundry and ironing services to your (unwanted) guests.
Whose problem is it if, once you have shown people how to use your washer etc, they chose not to use them? Not your problem, theirs! Stop doing it!
And if you are working 10 hour shifts your husband should be helping a LOT more with the household tasks, including cooking, whether you have house guests or not.
You need to take a step back and look to see which of your OWN actions have contributed to this situation, and then change the way to do things which should then have a flow on effect and change the way your husband, and your houseguests do things.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2015): When you finish a shift at work, come in with a take away explaining why you are too tired too cook after work. Let them fend for themselves. Do not clean up after them, let the pots fill up and then buy throw away plates and cups until somebody else is forced into washing the pots up. After tasting plastic cup's they will do anything for a real cup of tea. Enjoy their company and let go, go on a secret strike, do not lift a finger until the point is clear. You do their washing and ironing, then more fool you,this is stupid and is an invite to walk all over your generous spirit.Sadly when we have a 'welcome all' sign on our head it ends up been where you have to literally spell it out to the person that they are a lazy twat, even harder when you have a bunch of them to tell. They however are utterly astounded at why you have suddenly turned on them, but unbeknown to them you have been upset for day's because you resent ironing Fanny Adams belly warmers and Uncle Fester's pull over rainbow Jumper that you know the creases won't come out of, so you have too work twice as hard. This is your own fault for not having boundaries and having your husband in agreement.When family come to stay, I decide to take a break too, secret strike. I make the first contribution of cooking a nice welcome meal and drinks,then i tell everyone to make themselves at home. You know where the fridge is, kettle, washing machine etc, if you need an iron it's in the cupboard. I used to get exhausted after work too, and felt frustrated because i actually liked having family and friends around to stay in the holiday's but the more i did the less they did and the work load quadrupled. constant dish washing,cooking, making drinks, shopping. It was a case of if you can't beat em join em, until somebody breaks first needing to eat, then they would be the cook. I have a great time now, i probably chill out more than them and put my feet up and allow our home to become a guest house for a while.Or tell em straight, clean up or do one.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2015): They are your husband's relatives; so leave it up to him to feed and care for them.
Stop stressing yourself out trying to be the hostess of people who don't show you enough gratitude for the hospitality you offer, by contributing in some way to show their appreciation for giving giving them shelter and extended accommodations. That would normally be paid for either by rent or in a hotel.
I do not understand what is going on with wives who write to DC complaining; behaving as though they can live and sleep with a man they call their husband, but can't communicate with the same man who sees them naked and lives under the same roof 24/7!
Take your house back and stop being the inn-keeper and maid-service to people who basically just vacation at your house. While your husband is too nice to them, and inconsiderate to his own wife! That's your fault!
Throw a raving tizzy-fit and make that man see you've had enough!
Stop cooking and cleaning, and when they come; go live with your relatives in protest, until he realizes enough is enough. Don't come here complaining, when you know the advice you are going to receive is to talk to your husband and insist that he helps with taking care of his lazy sponging relatives! What did you think people here on DC would tell you, but to take a stance and reclaim your home.
Tell your hubby if one more relative comes and takes over your home; you will leave until they're gone. Then do just that! You will have to do it but once! Then see how nice he'll be without a wife/maid service to run his hotel!
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (13 December 2015):
 Stop cooking for them and cleaning after them then. You're the one who keeps doing this, of course everyone loves coming to a free hotel. You'd do the same if you visited them for a month and they did all the cook and clean and you could have a vacation for free. Don't tell me you wouldn't, Ive seen this with so many people, myself included. It's REALLY easy to get used to pampering.
How to make them make an effort? Stop catering them! Or you can tell your husband that it's his guests, so he's responsible for them and their needs.
How do you and your husband sort this financially? And who are these relatives? Old people, young people? If they can stay for such long periods at a time, they obviously do not have any work or school, so are they pensioners? It might just be that they are poor, as pensioners often can be. And your husband feels it's his duty to look after them.
You need to talk to your husband about this some more, because you and him aren't communicating well about it.
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A
female
reader, Tottochan  +, writes (13 December 2015):
I think since it's your husband's relatives, *he* should be the one to go and tell them that they have to lend a hand in the household chores.
Where I come from, the guest is treated like God. But even here, if someone stays for that prolonged a time period, the guest would naturally offer to help, in any way possible, in order to make it easier for the host. It's just not done and very disrespectful otherwise.
I can't imagine the amount of work that you're putting in. Going daily to work for such long shifts and then coming back and doing some more work.
Does your husband help around the house? I hope he does. If he does, then tell him that since it's his relatives, and since you have your hands full anyway, it should be up to him to clean up after them.
And if he doesn't, then now is a good time to start. Ask him to do the cleaning.
After a day or two of doing part of the work (that is usually in your daily routine), I think he will be a little more open to the idea of talking to the guests.
All the best!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2015): It sounds like you have put yourself in this position and need to stop doing that. Why are you allowing this to happen when the house is yours too? Just say "Sorry no more visitors."
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