A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been wanting to have sex with my bf for about a year now. It is my first time, so he wants it to be right and make sure i know what i am saying. I have thought long and hard and i know i want it to be with him. I have told him this. However, i think i am being demanding, as i want my first time to be special. I have asked him if we can go to a hotel, so its like the first time will mean something and not be a quick one in his bedroom. Do you think i am being over the top?My bf says he wants me sexually and always asks me at his whilst we are getting in the mood if he can make love to me, but i say no, as its not special enough for me. So i know that he wants sex with me but everytime i mention booking the hotel he changes subject and is like oh there is no rush!I dont know where to go anymore. Why is he being like this? I feel as it is not his first time he doesnt realise that i want something every girl dreams of and remembers. I feel to him its just having sex with another girl and he doesnt want to pay the money to have it. I am getting upset, so any help would be great. Thanks
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (26 May 2008):
 I think you should not do any unilateral actions.
If you book the hotel room without consulting him on the
date and venue , he may take it wrongly or be offended or he may not be free on that day.
It may backfire on you.
This is a sensitive topic and you need to be careful because he is a guy.
You are initiating it instead of him.
A better way is to plan this together.
Suggest to him a special one day and one night treat at some hotel that he prefers and according to your budget.
You may choose the occasion,like your birthday or any auspicious occasions to make it more interesting.
If he is receptive to the idea , then your plan is on.
Don't mention about the cost.If he is not gentlemanly enough
to pay for the expenses, you may have to foot the bill since it was your idea.Or you can share the expenses.
I rather he be a good sport and won't let you down.
Good luck to you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDo you think i should wait or book somewhere and the tell him? Maybe once we are there things will be better? I do understand what your saying and i think thats why im getting upset. But then i think, his first time was in his bedroom, so he doesnt see what i see, when i want things perfect. Thanks for your help, i do really appreciate it. xx
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (26 May 2008):
It looks like he is not treating you with the proper respects due to you.
If he really loves you , he would listen and try to make your dreams come true.
He is also belittling you. Sorry , if I seem harsh.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIn relation to me booking a hotel, i have done one two occasions now, and once we split up and the other he made up the excuse that he had made other plans as i didnt contact him, long story. Its hard for me to know wen he is free due to he always works hard and sometimes works weekends.
I wanted it to be in a hotel, as he has slept with other girls in his bed, so i dont want it to be there. It wouldnt be the same, knowing that. We have both said we are not going there in mind to have sex, but if we both felt comfortable enough we would.
Other ideas of making it special i do understand, but they could happen all the time. Its nothing special to remember an evening by. I just think your first time you are going to remember, i dont want to to just be like another night.
I know my bf might feel the pressure, but at the end of the day, if he doesnt perform amazing who am i to know any different??
I have suggested a lot of things, but wen i do he is like lets just have a nice night and talk about it some other time. But i am starting to think, will there be another time? It just seems its getting put off and off! He texts me saying i want u badly, but nothing is ever done!
Thanks you all for the advise so far. Its good to see different views. xx
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A
male
reader, Smiffy  +, writes (26 May 2008):
 Tremor...you took the words right out of my mouth....
Thats exactly what I was trying to say....men eh??...LOL
Yes....I agree...IF the hotel is something you desperatly want to make the first time special....book it yourself....get your BF to pay later...LOL
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (26 May 2008):
Spending a day and night at the hotel is a very romantic
venture because of the ambiance which is beautiful and scenic.
It is like you are in Shangrilla where you are in a world of your own.
This is a very good suggestion and worth the money.
Too bad he does not share this view.
Perhaps , you may suggest an alternative , like booking a
holiday tours where a hotel stay is thrown into the package.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (26 May 2008):
You have laid down your conditions and if he cannot accept them due to reasons best known to him, then don't have sex.
If he is truly in love with you , he would have talked to you and see how you can both overcome this problem.
If he has a financial problem , he should share it out with you.
If the guy is for you , he would beg and borrow the money .
If he wanted it , there will be ways and means to achieve it.
Wanting to eat the fruit but unwilling to pay the price.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2008): i have two questions for you 1:are you realy commetied if you are your will probibly want to get marryed some day if not i would not give my virginety to some one i was just messing around with and number two:i cant think of a number two.
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A
male
reader, Smiffy +, writes (26 May 2008):
Hi...not sure WHY it HAS to be a hotel room....I understand you want it to be a special time, but the place dosent actually make it special......thats between you two...
Theres many ways of making it special...even at home...you know...candle lit dinner....wine....log fire...
I think that you "planning" the "special event" is very very clinical....this may be what is putting your BF off a little....I mean...he knows you expect him to perform and perform well...this may be adding to the "no rush" subject.
As for me and my first time...nothing was planned....there was no pressure...and I had the most wonderful time and so did my first GF.....
Good luck...but dont add anymore pressure to the poor guy....girls...we have feelings and thoughts as well....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your response. It has really helped me. I know me and my bf love each other (well i hope we do). He is always saying to me that he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me, keeping in mind he is 25 and im 19!
My bf has a good job as a teacher and spends money on himself like it is going out of fashion. He seems reluctant to spend it, in matters where we are concerned though. I dont understand his reaction to things either. He always says he will suprise me with a hotel room one night, but i wanted this to be like a whole day and night thing. Like go there and relax and spend some time together. I feel he is being selfish! I am not asking for an expensive hotel, but the ones i have showed him have been £100 per night. I know that is maybe a bit pricey, but its only once!
I have told him many of times about wot i want and wot i feel, but he never seems to give me an answer if i ask him. He always changes the subject. I feel wen he says i want to make love to you now, that he does not understand my regards for the first time not to be in his bed. He has had his first time, and yeah it probably wasnt what i want, but is this just all guys in general that feel this way? Do other guys just see sex as sex?
I am confused that my bf wants to spend the rest of his life with me yet, is not willing to make our first time together special. Especially with it being my first time, i thought he would want to make it a night to remember. I know things are going to hurt, but if its the right setting and with the right person who i know that loves me, it would be perfect for me.
Any suggestions to where i go from here?? xx
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A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (26 May 2008):
I understand why you are upset. Loosing your viginity is a big thing and you want your first time to be perfect and you feel your bf doesnt understand this, or share the same want in wanting it to be so special.
You are not being too demanding in wanthing him to book a hotel room! You have the right to want your first time to be special.
His reaction to you suggesting he books a hotel room is a bit odd, i dont really understand it. It might not be that he doesnt want to spend that money on you, it may just be that he honestly cant afford it? how well off is he? sometimes, guys dont understand the way girls think. he may not honestly understand how much of a big deal to you it is. I think you need to sit down and talk to him about your thoughts and feelings on sex and what your expectations are. Then ask him questions about his thoughts and feelings and find out what his expectations are. Also, if you are having negative thoughts such as you think he probably sees you as just anothe girl hes having sex with, then its important to hold off until those feelings have been dealt with.
Having said all that, I think its important for you to realise that usualy your first time is far from "perfect", depending on how you define perfect. I mean it probably wont be all to enjoyable, it will probably feel uncomfortoable and possibily painful. Yet if in your opinion, perfect would be doing it with someone who you love, who loves yous and when you are both in a comofortable place then i think you have the right to expect that.
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A
female
reader, Tremor +, writes (26 May 2008):
 I have never understood the practise of /planning/ to lose your virginity. It's always seemed to me that there will just be more pressure on the both of you to perform when the time comes, and how is that special?
The 'where' will never make it as special as the 'who' or the 'why'. If you are with someone you love dearly, and you are certain you want to lose your virginity to that person, it should be special regardless of where it happens. You tend to be more aware of your partner and being close to them than you are about anything else, including surroundings.
However, if a hotel room is /that/ important to you, then why don't /you/ go ahead and book it, and surprise your lad? Don't leave it all up to him. Sometimes /you/ have to take the initiative.
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