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female
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anonymous
writes: Just a quick question. I'm 23 and have a 4 year old son. I have been seeing a guy for 3 months now and a month ago introduced him to my son. They got on brilliantly and have seen eachother 5 times since, each time going really well. My boyfriend is totally accepting and realises that my son is the most important thing in my world. He has already said that he can see us all together as a family in the future and can think of nothing better.So tonight boyfreind is coming over and its sunny out and I'd like to have a few beers together in the garden, and well, I'd like him to stay the night. Is this totally wrong? And what do I say to my little boy about it if he does stay? He's stayed a few times before but when my son is at his dad's. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2006): I think that if you trust in this man and love him, and if you both discussed a possible future then talk to your Son.
Keep in mind that if there is no future with this man, don't have him over; your Son doesn't need to see and be taught by example that it is okay to have numerous partners.
Caution is always best when there is a child to influence and teach.
Lying to your son and making things up will only confuse him and is unfair to him and will put his trust in you in big risk.
Seriously, I was four and could pick up when I was being lied to or mislead and I could not stand it and became angry and mistrustful of others.
My mother brought 'strange' men around and let me tell you...I resented her then and do so now. I didn't like it when I was a kid but I am better able to understand and cope with it now.
I would put it off for when Son is at dad's until your boyfriend and you are fully committed and the future is more solidified and has more substance.
In the end it is your choice and if you want to invite the man into your home on a regular basis then:
Talk to your Son and tell him that you love this man and that you trust said man and said man will be spending more time with the both of you.
This shows your Son you trust him, want to include him, and then Son can have some sense of control and security. Be very sensitive to Son as his environment is about to change. I suggest you buy and read a book titled "Supernanny" by Jo Frost. She has some good advice on how to deal with change in home environment.
Ask Son if he has any questions or concerns and then address them tastefully and honestly and to the best of your ability.
Best of wishes.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2006): Well I have been in your situation, you could say that he's a friend and he's staying the night. But it would be a big NO NO at the moment for your little boy to see you in bed with your boyfriend. You never know this relationship may not last and a few months down the line you may meet someone else and if your son were to see another man in bed with you, what messages are you sending your son? I let my bf stay over,but I made sure that my son didn't see us in bed together I got up in the middle of the night and slept in the spare room. You could tell your son this, that so n so will be sleeping in mummy's bed, but mummy's sleeping in the spare room or on settee.If your bf becomes a permanent fixture in your life and really shows that he is committed to you and your little boy, then all well and good. But I would be careful at the moment. If your bf does love and care for you, then he shouldn't have a problem at all with the sleeping arrangements.
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A
female
reader, sarah_06 +, writes (19 July 2006):
hi there i think you should say to your 4 year old that grown ups have little sleep overs, where they can talk to each other to plan surprises for little special boys who have been good hope this info is any good to you good look xxxxx
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