| A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I've been posting about how my ex broke up with me because I lied about my past. People often reply that they have to know what I've lied about to help me. Here it goes, be prepared for it's long.Oh, something to keep in mind, I've always had low self esteem, now it's better, but back in the day, it was very very low.Here's the thing, my ex used to get very jealous even early in the relationship and had asked me not to talk about my past, as sometimes I told him a bit more than he wanted to know. It wasn't until he found out that the past involved some guys he knew that he became interested in knowing about it.Like two years before meeting my ex, I had a friendship with benefits with the guy who later introduced me to my ex (GUY #1). I liked this friend very much, but he liked one of my friends. Still, I tried to use sex to get him to like me, so I gave him a bj once. I liked him for that whole year (he's older than me for 4 years). Later I started crushing on another guy who was a bit older than me (GUY #2), nothing happened between us, except some major chemistry, but he felt our age gap was a bit too much (he was 23 and I was 16). He was friends with a much older guy, like 10 years older than me (GUY #3), who started crushing on me. GUY #3 and I talked a lot, he told me about other girls he liked, he never hinted he liked me, but I knew he had a bad rep for being a liar and creepy with younger girls. Honestly, I only talked to him because he was GUY #2's friend.There was once a party, where I was drunk and sad because GUY #2 wouldn't even look at me, and I hooked up with a stranger (only kissing). Later, I ditched him, and GUY #3 talked to me and told me he liked me... he grabbed my face and forced a peck on me. I tried to let go of it, but was also very sad because GUY #3 was kind of a friend and I'd miss him. So after that episode, for a while, I tried to keep contacting him through his blog, because he had stopped talking to me.All of this happened in early 2006. GUY#2 started working in my school, so it was hard getting over him, but I was trying my hardest. After that whole episode, GUY#1 introduced me to my ex, because at that same party my ex had seen me and thought I was pretty and wanted to meet me. So my ex and I became friends quickly. One day GUY# 1, my ex, some of my friends and me went to a pub. At that time, I didn't even imagine that my ex and I would fall in love and be together (It was May 2006). Everyone left, and I was left alone with GUY#1, waiting for my sister to arrive (she was picking me up). We were alone, and he told me he often remembered the good times of our friendship with benefits, and asked if he could kiss me. I said no, repeatedly, but he insisted, so I gave him one kiss (the worst kiss in my life), so he'd stop asking. My sister arrived and I left, I was mad at him for a couple of days, but then went back to being his friend.Then, in July I was over GUY#2, and in order to celebrate I went on a girls night out, got drunk and hooked up with another stranger (only kissing). Then I forgot about it. Some two or three weeks later, my ex asked me to go with him to a concert. I was already falling for him from our online conversations. So when we started hanging out more often (he'd ask me out to the mall, as friends, casually, very often), I started falling hard for him, and him for me. Finally, in late August 2007, he asked me to be his girlfriend. He was my first boyfriend.Everything went smoothly and unbelievably well for the first six months. We have so much in common, and everything just clicked. He warned me he was very jealous, so he didn't want to hear about my past. I lost my virginity to him, so inevitably we had the sex talk, he told me he had lost it to his first girlfriend, and I said I had only given oral sex to a guy (GUY#1) once. He didn't ask who this guy had been, so I didn't tell him. However, my ex knew I had never had a boyfriend. Still, he didn't ask about the oral sex and that was it.Six months into the relationship though, and he became jealous of GUY#1 because we had been hanging out at this gig were they played (my ex and GUY#1 were in a band together). At that gig, I took pictures, and I took a pic of GUY#1 alone. He got jealous and asked me if we ever had had something. So here's where I start lying, I said no, GUY#1 and I had never had anything. He asked again, immediately, and I admitted to having a freidnship with benefits years before, but THAT IT HAD ONLY INVOLVED KISSING. He broke up with me, but asked me to get back together with him, because he wanted to make it work.He started throwing it in my face, judging me harshly on it (calling me a whore and such) along with the jealousy for GUY#2 and GUY#3 too. So I stopped talking to all of them (he know all the guys with numbers, #2 and #3 are actually friends with his brother). GUY#3 started going to the same uni as me, so I saw him in class but I didn't talk to him.A few weeks later, he figured out that the guy I had given oral sex had been GUY#1. He confronted me, I hesitated, told him that I hadn't, but then came clean (Lie #2). He got mad, but still wanted to make it work.So I started telling him the truth straight out when he wanted to know anything. He'd get super mad, but at least I was being honest. He'd judge me so harshly, however, he used to make me cry sometimes because he treated me like crap over my past. Sometimes, he even dumped me over being honest, or called me names, or resented me for the past, etc., he mistreated me, so I started fearing being honest as I wasn't comfortable with his reactions. I hid one more thing.Months passed, and I told him there was nothing else he should know about me and GUY#1. However, one day, the guilt was too much and I told him about the time before we started dating, when he, my friends, GUY#1 and I had gone tot he pub, and he had insisted so much in kissing me that I had to give in. Again, he broke up with me but asked me to get back together with him because he wanted to make it work. However, he still kept throwing everything in my face, and judging me harshly, saying how if he had known about all of this before dating me, he would've never have dated me. However, not everything has sour, much on the contrary, most of the time we were the blissful couple we had always been.I was honest, until October 2007, when GUY#3 started talking to me again in class. I talked back, but behind my ex's back, because I wasn't cheating, didn't want to, I didn't even want to talk to GUY#3 but was afraid that if I didn't he'd start making up rumours about me (he's like that). So I talked to him for a while, and then told him not to speak to me again. He knew about my ex's jealousy issues.I kept being honest about everything else my ex wanted to know (despite his unpleasant, borderline abusive reactions... he'd call me a whore and stuff like that, because he judged me on my past). However I had told him that I had stopped talking to GUYS #1, #2 and #3. As you know, I talked for a while with #3.Last Wednesday, my ex got very upset because one of his classmates, who knows GUY#3, told him that GUY#3 had said he liked me. I tried to reassure my ex (we were still a couple) that I'd never cheat on him or associate myself anymore with that guy, he asked me to always be honest. Then on Thursday, I felt intense guilt, because my ex didn't know about: 1) the peck that GUY#3 had forced on me the night he confessed his feelings to me (I had told my ex that I had never had a physical relationship with #3, which I still consider to be true, as we never had anything else than that peck), and 2) he didn't know me and GUY#3 had talked for a while in class last October. So, I told him these two things, expecting that he'd break up with me, this time for good. And it happened.I have nothing else to hide, but he doesn't believe me, and says I hurt him too much, too many times, because he always had asked me to be honest with him and I kept lying, that he couldn't believe that the most important person in his world (me) would do that to him. That I mustn't have loved him if I thought it was acceptable to lie to him like that. I said I was sorry, that his reactions made me freak out, he said it wasn't a valid reason to lie. He said it was too late, that I could've been the One, that he wanted to marry me, that he loves me so much and that I have everything he wishes for, but that I'm a liar and he can't trust me and is afraid of being hurt like this again. I understood, and even though I was dying from the pain, I left him alone.Then, on Friday, I was crying and my mom phoned him worried about me, and he talked to me and told me everything would be ok, that I'm a great person and that I'll find someone else. However, later that night, he phoned me, asked me several times why had I done that to him, that he truly believed I was the One, that he wanted to see me right at that time, he wanted to speak. I told him I couldn't (it was past midnight), but that I could talk to him on Saturday. He said that it was then or never. I just couldn't go, as much as I wanted to.Yesterday, I phoned him and told him I wanted to speak. He said he didn't wanna see me, or talk to me. But I really wanted to, so I went to his house without telling him. We talked, I cried a lot as he kept blaming me for this whole situation, he actually insulted me and treated me like crap for a while, until I was crying so much, and he started to try to calm me. He hugged me and started telling me I was a great person, that he was so sorry this hadn't worked out. That he still loved me, that I had set up a high standard for his next girlfriends... that he actually doubted he could find someone as good as me... that if he could still be with me he would... that he loves me so much... then he hugged me closer, grabbed my face and kissed me. He said he's confused that his mind tells him not to be with me because I'm a liar, but that his heart keeps telling him I'm the One. He said he really wants to be with me. We spent a lot of time holding hands and kissing. I asked him if the reason why he didn't want to see me was because he knew we'd end up kissing again, and he said yes. I told him I should leave then, he asked me to stay... we hung out for a while.He said he wants to have some time to think about all this, and make a choice...to be with me, or to move on. He says he's scared I'm still hiding something and that he'll end up hurt again. That if he chooses to stay with me, it's up to me to make it work.However, when we said goodbye, he got upset again about the lying, and told me not to expcet to get back together. He kissed me on the cheek, and left. Later, I phoned him to ask him about what we were going to do with our band (we have/had a band together). He said we should keep playing during our break, and was very friendly, made some small talk.Here I am now, wondering what will come out of this. I'm very sad, as I don't really think he'll give me another chance (I don't think I deserve it). I love him tons. I want him back. But it's up to him. Now I have some questions:a) Do you think he said he needed time to think about it only to calm me and just because of the heat of the moment, or because he means it?b) Do you think what I did is unacceptable and that he's in the right for dumping me, and that I deserve it?c) Do you think he'll take me back?(SORRY FOR THE LENGHT, AND THE CONFUSING SITUATION WITH THE GUYS' NUMBERS... I HOPE YOU COULD UNDERSTAND IT... AND IF YOU READ THE ENTIRE THING, THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!).
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broke up, crush, drunk, get back together, jealous, kissing, liar, lost my virginity, move on, my ex, never had a boyfriend, oral sex, self esteem Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2008): if u want me to answer u have to be trithful to yourself. Is that how it happened? If so your ex is stupid. He acts like u did all that while u were with him. How could u have known that those ppl u messed with were his friends before u knew him? I honestly see no reason to y he is mad. U should just move on. He abused u verbally and he's just plain stupid. Jealous ppl r idiots cause they go crazy for any little thing. He might get back with u but don't do it. Can u imagine being married and being like this? Its not gonna get anybody cause he basically told u he's not gonna try. If ur story is true the only thing u did wrong was the timing of what u told him. U made yourself sound guilty. U sound like ur attractive and even though its really hard completly disconnect ur self from ALL OF THEM! Post an answer if u wanna talk.
A
female
reader, °Ale°  +, writes (19 May 2008):
 You owe me a cup of coffee!
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