A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My son and I have a close relationship until he got married. He's 33 years old and a wonderful son but now I felt like I walked on egg shells around his wife and my relationship with my son have changed from good to bad. I called him one day and I was very angry when he said to me that his wife told him stuff I said to her that hurt her feelings so I told him to tell her to get grow up and get over it ( I was on speaker) I have no idea she was there so she screamed backed at me that I was the one that needs to moved on before they hang up the phone. My son don't answer any of my calls or text and when he finally answered he asked me to talk to his wife about it then he ignored me again. I don't want to communicate with his wife and he knows that....he's my son and he's the one I want to talk to.They got 2 kids now and his wife somehow has manipulated my son that I don't care about my grandchildren at all and Im still trying to baby him which is not true. My son don't come visit me until his wife wants to, I really hope to spend some time with him but he WILL NOT going to do anything without his wife and kids when all I wanted to do is catching up with him. Theres always something wrong with everything I said to him, I text him early on Valentines day to asked what he's was to do and hope he have a good day....he reponded with " it's not what I want to do, it's what me and my wife are going to do for valentines day", and I also send him a picture of my food I ate with my husband to him saying "hope you were here to enjoy this good food with us" he got angry at me and asked me if that's all I think about its him? What about his wife and kids? I was very upset that he would think that I don't care about his family....I don't know what to do anymore I really want our relationship back to normal but I don't know what to do anymore, we have a heart to heart talk one day and he told me that I hurt his wife and she don't trust me anymore and at the end of the day he goes back home to his wife and that's the woman he chose to be with for the rest of his life since I divorced his Dad for another man when he was 7. How can I show my son that I love his wife and children? I have tried everything but his wife always pushes me away, how can I restore my relationship with my baby boy......I miss him everyday.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2014): Your doing the right thing. Maybe get to know the wife a bit more, then you can ask to spend more time with the kids. Your relationship with everybody will get better, I swear hon, but its going to take a fair bit of time.Also, you must not be constantly pestering them, you don't want to seem like your trying too hard , and please don't act like your a little old lady who has nothing better to do. Maybe your son is feeling intimidated by you, feeling like you are calling to much, texting to much, and generally getting into his business.Whats important is that you keep trying, tell them what you feel is going on. You really have to make a good relationship with your daughter in law, then, your son will loosen up and you will be able to spend time with the kids. You will then be able to be the family that you want.I hope this advice helps xxxall the best
A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (18 November 2014):
 Personally I feel a MIL or DIL does not have to be social to one another just for the sake of peace. If they don't like one another this will do more harm than good. However a mother has a right to visit her son and vice versa. This should not be whether the wife approves. A relation between a mother and child will never end no matter how old he is or she is. On the other hand there is always the possibility a marriage can end. I certainly don't want my husband to force me to interact with my MIL, it must be my choice and like wise its my MIL choice if she chooses not be around me. Where does it say that because you marry the person, the family has to welcome you and accept you, its freedom of choice, holding a gun to some ones head is not going to achieve anything. Your son needs to separate his relationship from the wife and grow a set of balls and not be dictated by his wife.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2014): I hate to say it, but it sounds like the problem is one of your making. You don't go into any details about what you said to his wife or the circumstances of the conversation. All you say is that when it was pointed out that it had upset her, you got angry and actually told her to grow up and get over it. Most people would have apologised for any upset that they'd caused and looked to make amends. In your case, you're the victim, because you didn't know that she could hear you!Try to see this from your DIL's point of view. If she'd posted on here, it would probably have gone along the lines of-'I've got a problem with my MIL, she was really horrible to me and upset me. I told my husband what had happened and when he raised it with his mother she got angry and was abusive towards me again. She texts him on Valentines to find out what he's doing and sends pictures of food wishing he was with her. She doesn't seem interested in me or our children and only seems to want to spend time with her son'. See what I mean?To fix this, you act like an adult. You apologise to his wife for whatever was said and then you try to mend bridges. It may mean that you have less contact with your son in the short term, but you know what that's fine. He's an adult too and has his own family and they will come first. Include his wife and children in any and all invites, then it's up to her if she attends. Essentially, whether or not it's your fault, you act like it is and do everything you can to make it right. If he has to choose between you and his wife, you're not going to like it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (17 November 2014):
 I think you shot yourself in the foot when you started to talk smack to your DIL and hurt her feelings.
YOUR son MARRIED this girl, has CHILDREN with her and LIVES with her, so he feels he has to SIDE with her. Which means.. EVEN against you.
Ask your son or even ACT like a GROWN mature lady and ASK your DIL what there can be done to mend fences. Sit down with her and talk it out if she is willing.
And remember above all, it's NOT for you to pass judgement over your DIL.
Be supportive of your son and HIS family. Or you will end up being totally alienated from your son, DIL and grandchildren.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2014): I'm seeing it differently. You sound really obsessed with your son. "Wish you were here" on Valentine's? It's a holiday for lovers not family. And why walk on eggshells around someone who is family? You never even really mention missing your grandkids, or even loving them all that much, they're an after thought in your post.
YouWish is right, you need to go and have a long adult discussion where everyone acts their age and no one breaks down into a fit of jealousy or anything.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2014): Talking from experience. I had a mother who had chosen for her that she wanted him to marry someone that she liked and not me. The unfortunate part was that the son was so deeply in love with me and also loved his mother very much. She would tell how bad i was for him cause i was not coming from the same culture and am too much for him. Today as im writing this ive lost the love of my life a year ago through suicide, he had his own problems but the worst was that he had to choose between mother dearest and his girlfriend. Im so sad to have to go through this cause of someone who never approved of us. That day he committed the suicide he called me and told me that hethat 'no matter what happens to him i must know that he loved me and he will forever love me' if she didnt hated me that much for no apparent reason. I have never insulted her or did anything that made her to hate me this much. my man would have been here today. Im so
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (17 November 2014):
 First of all, you should be truthful here. You love your son. You do not love his wife, and the passive-aggressive way you go about dealing with it broadcasts that to the world. NOW, here's a news flash: You don't *HAVE* to love his wife. Your grandchildren, of course, but his wife? If she's toxic and controlling like she sounds, you don't owe her anything except civility.
Your son has some serious issues, and his wife has more issues. She is the one making him CHOOSE when in reality, he shouldn't have to. All that needs to happen is that you see him and/or the kids independent of her. Sometimes the best way to avoid conflict is to not allow a situation for it to happen.
Big thing is - you can NOT badmouth her to your son in any way, shape or form. Your son comes to you or calls you bringing up some grievance between you and his wife, you need to tell him "I'm not discussing you wife with you. She's an adult and so am I. We'll deal with this woman to woman so that there is no confusion and heresay".
There's another thing I see here - your son has been the MAN in your life since he was 7, so there is a bit of tug-o-war between you and his wife, both acting jealous and territorial when it comes to your son.
I started out in a feud with my in-laws before they were my in-laws, and they hated me for reasons that had nothing to do with me and everything to do with insecurities and past baggage. It really boiled down to his mom thinking I was taking him away from her. I saw her passive-aggressively using her son to get "messages" to me telling me how wrong I was for him. Unlike your daughter-in-law, I loved my boyfriend too much to put him through it, so I got into my car with my boyfriend (he had been waiting outside my house distraught when I came home from work) and went straight to their house, and I said, "We need to talk because things have gotten out of hand. Whatever our differences are or ill-feelings toward each other, we have common ground in that we both love your son, so I'm here and I want to listen".
I was there for hours, and lots of stuff that seemed to awful and horrible shrank when it was finally exposed.
I think that's what you need to do, not talk to your son about her or sending pictures of food. You should get both of them over to your house, and you need to start by listening to her, since it's her that is acting out. It takes a lot to not let ego or territorial crap rise up and have you interrupting her, but think of it as your act of love towards your son, pulling him out of the tug-o-war.
But like I said - you can never vent to your son about her again. To do that hurts him.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (17 November 2014):
 Your daughter-in-law is calling the shots here. For whatever reason your son feels he has to choose between you and her, and it's clear what choice he will make when push comes to shove. You may not like it, you may not understand it, but that's the way it is. The only way you are ever going to see your son, and have a relationship with your grandchildren, is to play by this woman's rules. Start sucking up to her big time. Call her, invite her to lunch, tell her that you want to make a fresh start with your relationship because she is such an important part of your son's life, and then do whatever is going to make her happy.
I understand that this sounds like spineless advice, and I don't like it any more than you do. But my brother chose a woman something like your daughter-in-law, my parents refused to kow tow to her, and so they literally never saw my brother again. Not even on their death beds, when he'd been told the end was near.
When the grandchildren are older you might have more of a chance to develop a relationship on your terms. But you'll never get that chance if their gatekeeper mother doesn't let you see them while they're young. As for your son, the sooner you acknowledge that he's completely p***y whipped, the less pain you'll go through.
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