A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This is a bit long, sorry there is some background here that needs to be explained. My ex and I broke up a year ago. After a lot of ups and downs we managed to stay friends. He had hit on me from time to time, and I didn't sleep with him b/c of the reason we broke up: I found out he had a long term girl friend. He maintains that he has been trying to break up with her and loves me, but I didn't buy it. Recently he has been more and more distant. We were talking and texting all day, but I could never actually get him to do anything with me. I have been sick, diagnosed with a couple of illnesses, and also trying to do law school. After months of him offering I finally took him up on his offer to use his apartment during the day to study. I live at home and the environment is not the best right now. Also after some pretty hard arguments with my father, he had let me come by at night until it was ok to go home, or if it got really late, just sleep.I had my suspicions that he had started seeing someone, despite having a gf, but realized it was none of my business. I did say to him though after he blatantly lied to me about his plans for an evening that he didn't need to lie, but he also didn't need to tell me whom he was with or what he was doing. All he had to do was say he had plans. He got angry at me for saying anything....I have been trying not to use his apartment too often or to go over at night too often b/c I didn't want to take advantage of his generosity. Last Sunday things were bad at home and I ended up driving around all night as had no where to go. When he found out he asked me why I didn't go to the apartment as I had the keys. I told him I didn't think it was appropriate for me to show up unannounced. Plus he turns his phone off at night, so there is no way to reach him. He said not to be silly, that he would rather I use the place than be out all night alone. Well last week, he called me and asked me if I needed to come and sit that night. I told him no, I thought it would be ok and would try to figure something out b/c I knew he was tired and not feeling well. We spoke for a few more minutes and then he said he was going to bed. About an hour later I called my mom, and she said it was not a good idea for me to come home for a while. She said if I could find a place to stay it would be a good idea. At this point it was midnight. I called a few ppl, even a friend who had just had surgery that day, but no one was answering their phones. I called and texted my ex on the off chance he was still awake, but got no answer. I was exhausted and shaking and finally decided to try going to my ex's place. Unfortunately, he had lied about going to bed, and I walked in on him having sex. We were all embarrassed, obviously. I fled and texted him that I would give him back his keys. He called 15 minutes later and asked me to meet him in the lobby with the keys, which I did. He told me it was a hooker (not true, I had seen him and this girl together, but never said anything to respect his privacy). I think he did it b/c he thought it would be more acceptable to me than if it was someone he was seeing as I know he has a girlfriend. Anyway, now he won't talk to me as he is embarrassed. I have apologized and tried to tell him that he should have just told me he had plans that night. Again, no details needed. However, instead he called me, and offered me the option to come by. I think he knew that I would likely say no knowing he wasn't feeling well, and any other time I have said no thanks, I haven't come by. He is my best friend, we were friend before we started dating and became very close very quickly. I feel awful about what happened, and very sad that I don't get to talk to him now. He says he's too embarrassed and that I don't understand the depth of his embarrassment and self-loathing. I've tried to tell him that I don't judge him. That I have seen the good and the bad in him and don't judge him on any one side, but judge him on the whole. Aside from his inability to be faithful to his gf, he is generous to a fault. I would not be where I am today if it weren't for him (another long story), and there are many of his friends who could say the same thing. So, my questions are: 1) Was it wrong for me to go over to his place that night in view of previous conversations? 2) How do I get this friendship back on track. I don't want to keep hounding him with texts, and I doubt he will read any emails I send. I'm worried to call b/c I don't think he will answer and I don't want him to feel harassed. Plus, I would like it if he could reach out to me too. We both made mistakes here. I totally get his embarrassment. He says he feels as if I have exposed him. That he knows what he is and what he does, and needs the confidence to trust that ppl will still like him even if he can't do everything they want. This is exactly what I have been trying to get through to him.I just miss my friend and am scared that this will be it for us for good. Thanks for reading this far!
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female
reader, mselu08  +, writes (23 February 2010):
You did absolutely nothing wrong. All you did was take him up on his offer. I believe your friend has a psychological addiction to sex. This addiction of which he is ashamed of. He lies to you because he doesn't want anyone to know he has a problem. He has to deal with the shame and doesn't need anyone else judging him because he judges himself enough. I think your friend needs to first admit he has a problem and then get help.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for your wonderful advice.
To cgrlygo, I don't think he is in love with me. As I said, he still have a gf, although it is long distance. I realized when I found out about her and when he didn't even say he wanted to fix things between us, that she is the one he wants to be with.
I had to sit down after that and look at every aspect of our relationship, including the fact that we were friends first and decide if it was worth salvaging the friendship.
In most respects it has, because I know that whenever I need him he is there. I think he is a man with issues. He needs ppl to love him, and therefore doesn't feel he can be honest with them b/c he doesn't think that they will accept the "true" him. I really do think he is in love with his gf, and it wouldn't surprise me if they end up married.
I don't condone his cheating, but I also know that it is not my place to say anything and while he is definitely not good boyfriend material he is a good friend. So, I have tried to show him that he has my friendship unconditionally.
I can imagine how embarrassed he is, he has been telling me for some time that he is a changed man. So, imagine his mortification when I find him in bed with another woman, and that he lied to me.
I've talked with my parents about the situation, and they love him. But they also wonder how much more of the lying I should put up with....
So, basically, I don't think he is IN love with me. But I do think he cares for me deeply as a friend. I just worry that his embarrassment will make it too hard for him to get past this. In his place I don't know that I could really look someone in the face again after they caught me under those circumstances, with our background.
I guess what I will do is just keep texting him as I always do and just hope he'll step up.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2010): im not trying to upset you but, have you given any thought to the woman he is using? Ive been in this situation and on her side. Hes using her until things can work out with you two. In my situation he did the very same thing.. would lend his house, car, drive her where she needed to be etc. and lie to me about their relationship. saying they were just friends and he cared for her blah blah blah... I think it would be wise for both of you to not mess with this dude. He is obviously in love with you but you are not with him.
he isn't embarrassed he thinks things are done between you two... like it will never be the same.. like his chance is gone.
Its great that you are such a good friend and are worried for the friendship, but i really think its best for him and his future if you walk away. How can he have a future with any woman as long as he clings to the hopes of having you?
also if it were just friendship it would have passed already. i have guy friends who have seen some crazy stuff with me.. that i would put a hit on them if it ever got out.. but thats where it ends cause we are just friends no more no less.
hope this helps a little
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (22 February 2010):
 I see that you have a friendship problem, and it seems that you are sending the right message, that you accept him no matter what he does. But, that is not the big problem. The Big problem is that you need a safe place to go every night. Your friend is making that need of yours a priority in his life. that is a very nice thing for him to do. But, things will happen. They did.
I don't know how to advise you about your need for a home. I think you are on the right track with the friend. Just keep respecting his space.
FA
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2010): Fight for your friendship. Really make the effort to make him understand. Show some passion. Tell him he is your friend no matter what, and that is that. Strong positive emotions can overcome everything. GO for it!
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