A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Im 17, im pretty and have a nice figure however i am very insecure about myself.. i cant go out with out makeup and take so long to get ready in the mornings... ive slept with 5 people between now and last June and i no this is too many, and i regret sleeping with four of those people. Im quite shy and i look older then 17 and often hav men approaching me and i dont no what to do or say. This is how i have ended up sleeping with people i didnt really want to.. In these situations i regret i said no. Not firmly, but i still said it.. "i dont really want to" "I'd prefere if we didnt" but we still had sex. This really upsets me because i found out later that one of the people was 28. He had told me he was 21 and i thought ok so hes about 24. I feel really used but i think a part of me likes the attention. I used to feel so ugly and cry almost everynight but as ive got older i am beginning to see that im really not ugly. When i go out i feel that if men dont look at me i look ugly and i think i need it. I no this is pathetic, but im constantly thinking about it, and watching people watching me and sometimes i dont like it but if it didnt happen id feel terrible. Ive met someone who seems to really care about me, he says he loves me and hes 21. However i dont feel the same, i think hes lovely but i dont have those kind of feelings for him. He knows about the people i have been with in the past and it really upsets him and he wants to go out with me. I told him i want to be single, to learn how to be happy being by myself and get stronger at saying NO. He said he understands and can wait, but one night i slept at his house.. i had quite a bit to drink and i cant really remember what happened but i know we had sex. And i know i said i didnt really want to, and it was unprotected. I took the morning after pill but i was confused that it had happened, especially with him who i thought understanded. Afterwards he said he felt guilty because of everything i had said about my past and that i was not sure about us doing it but we still did and he said i was "out of it" while he was quite sober. I ended up telling him "oh dont worry about it, i wanted to, dont worry its not your fault, dont feel guilty". Why? because i was upset it had happened. Anyway he used to ring me about 20 times a day. He is so clingy and i just cant tell him. i said i lost my phone and he has stopped ringing me but now calls my housephone :S. I felt like i couldnt escape so i told him... i was raped and i dont want to see anyone because im upset about it and dont trust people. I dont think the things in my past relationships count as rape and i made it sound worse than it was thinking it would make him stay away, or maybe because i wanted sympathy im not sure. but now hes "in love" more than ever and just wants to "take care of me". I dont want to keep lying its not fair on him. But he's too much. I dont really know wat im askin. What should i tell him? How can i be stronger? Sorry this has been so long it wasnt meant to be but thanks for reading and please give me some advise or just a comment? thanks x
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2007): Thanks for your answers. Your right and ive been trying to stay clear from sex and situations that might lead to it. I think i may have met someone :) hes in my college and in my class so ive known him since september! very excited because hes different from the other people, hes quite shy but very sweet and were gna go cinema in 2 weeks! its goin veeeery slowly but i really like that.
But about that boy that says he "loves me" i still dont no wat to do. He says hes happy to be my friend and be there for me. hes nevaer met anyone like me and that im not meant for this corrupted world? Hes getting really deep about things and i dont want to hurt his feelings. I guess we can be friends.. even though he expects me to go and see him alll the time. And lives about an hour away. Oh well thanks for your help again! xx
A
female
reader, candy00s +, writes (31 May 2007):
 Go out still and have fun, but say no to sex and mean no.
Get to know a person first - then you will be able to judge if they like you for you or if they are after sex.
If this guy wants to be with you and you dont want to go out with him then tell him that there is no hope, you dont want a boyfriend you want to be single.
Dont put yourself in a situation where you cant remember what you were doing or how you got home kinda thing.
xxxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2007): Hi honey,
You thought you were making up a story when you told this guy you were raped - but I think you actually WERE raped - not the earlier four times but by this guy who says he wants to take care of you. I don't think that everytime a woman says no then ends up having sex it is necessarily rape - and you say that you don't think it was rape those four other times you had sex but didn't really want to. But with this guy you had really opened up and told him about your insecurities and regrets about not saying no firmly enough and he said he would respect that - and after you got drunk he took advantage while he was sober and thinking clearly. This time you really really did not consent and you had trusted him and now you have been betrayed and raped. And rape victims often have low self-esteem but you already had low self-esteem.
You told him it is ok and don't feel guilty, but that doesn't mean what he did was ok, and you have every right not to answer his calls. Just like you can break up with anyone you are dating that you don't want to see anymore, for whatever reason. I don't suggest you tell this guy "you raped me and I no longer trust you and never want to talk to you again" - although if you feel like doing that, go for it. But I think you should tell him, just like in a break up, "I'm sorry, I just don't want to see you anymore." And don't say "Maybe later I'll change my mind" - he'll keep bugging you, and you need someone you can totally trust, and this guy is not someone you can trust.
About being stronger - you're headed in the right direction by thinking about it and working hard at saying no. Maybe you should not drink so much when you are out, as drinking makes it harder to think clearly. Maybe you should hang out mostly with some girlfriends (and not at bars or where guys are looking for someone to pick up) and start to realize you are a lot more than just a sex object and so you don't need guys staring at you to be a worthwhile person. Or work at something you feel strongly about once a week, so you feel that you are doing something to be proud of, it could be a job, or learning a language, some kind of charity work like spending an afternoon with underprivileged kids, or old people who would love some company, or maybe even women who have been victimized by men. Then you'll see that you have lots to offer besides sex.
good luck and keep us posted.
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A
male
reader, Stuckonlove  +, writes (30 May 2007):
I believe that you already know that he is not the one you want to be with. I would just stop having sex with anyone and everyone for a while. Learn to have control over yourself and you will feel better. Have fun dating and not having sex for a while and this will give you a chance to find a really nice guy that you want to be with.
Good Luck
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