A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for just over 9 years. My wife is my best friend and we are still madly in love, so much so it’s almost embarrassing. HOWEVER, sex is still a bit of a mystery. As time goes on, she slowly gives me hints of what she likes/dislikes, but she just won't totally open up to me. She can't/won't tell me what her "fantasy" is. When I ask her what really turns her on all she says is when I give her oral sex which is great because I love doing it, but I want to know deep down what drives her sexually…not just what she likes…but what REALLY turns her on. We only have sex about 1 time per month and it is always with the lights out, and in our bed. She is absolutely stunning and takes great care of herself and she knows I am totally infatuated with her, but there’s just something missing. When we do have sex, she’s emotionless so I feel like her body language is saying she is just doing it to make me happy. Outside of when she actually has the orgasms, I feel self-conscious because I don’t believe that she is really into it. The problem is; even though she tells me “when the girls are talking about sex and they hear about what I do to her, they are all extremely jealous”…I just don’t feel like SHE is into it. I feel like she just lets me do it because I enjoy it so much. She gives me incredible oral sex too…but again…it’s emotionless.Of course, this all leads to trouble. I thought when she turned 30 things would start to turn around…but she’s now 32 and I think it is actually worse. I don’t even bother going to bed at the same time at night anymore because I end up just getting mad. If I try to just touch her leg, she pushes me away. If I am too eager, I feel like I am begging. If I try romance, she says no because I just want sex. If I just try to hold her, again she says I just want sex. The only way I can cope is to just totally forget about it. If it happens, bonus. Our marriage is rock-solid so I know I don’t have to worry about another man or anything like that but I am really starting to close down communication. She will flat-out admit that she doesn’t know why she has no sex drive. She says maybe it’s mommy mode (2 boys ages 4 and 7), maybe it’s hormones, or it could be her moms influence when she was growing up. (I am sure that has something to do with it) So we are at the point where there is really nothing to even say on the subject anymore…so we just don’t talk about it…which is really bad. But what else can I do until she goes to a doctor or a counselor, but she is so damn stubborn I really don’t see that happening.Am I worried about my marriage; absolutely not. Am I worried about my relationship with my best friend and true love of my life; yes. What should I do?
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best friend, jealous, oral sex, orgasm, sex drive Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2009): The only thing I have to offer on this is that your wife may really be suffering from low levels of testosterone, which women have and is what is mostly responsible for her sex drive.
She is 32, and she would probably be what doctor's call premenopausal, and her hormones are changing. She really ought to speak to her doctor about this to have a complete blood workup to measure all of her hormones. She may even feel more tired and a bit unfocused or even depressed if she has low levels of certain hormones.
I would definately have her get it checked out, maybe if she complains of being tired, focus on that for the reason she needs to get it checked, she may be less resistant to your suggestions...
I hope you both get it figured out as I am sure this is causing you distress.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (21 August 2009):
 This is going to sound overly dramatic, but have you ever considered the notion that she's actually a closet lesbian? That's she's been hiding or trying to quash a sexual preference for women? I ask because of the way you describe her as NEVER having been into it. She goes through the motions and only goes along with it because you want it. She loves you, and doesn't want to lose you and the life you've built, but she's not interested in sex with you because she's not actually interested in sex with men.
She couldn't tell you her deepest fantasies because that would then reveal her hidden desires and she can't let that facade slip for a moment. She likes receiving oral sex because there's no penis involved.
She was brought up by a very conservative mother, I'm guessing, and under no circumstances whatsoever could someone be gay or lesbian--it just wasn't an option for her. So she buried her deepest self and went on into the world with the idea that she would get married and it would be fine in the end.
But as time has passed, she is less and less interested because she just doesn't want to have sex. She doesn't want to face things, so she simply avoids talking about them and cannot be intimate with you because you might figure this out.
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So that's another possibility to consider for you, I'm just laying out an argument that might be one explanation for why she is the way she is. I have a friend who went through something similar. If you want to read about people who have gone through something like this, there's straightspouse.org as a resource. But again, I'm not saying this IS the case here, I'm floating out an alternative theory.
The point for you is that you find the physical and emotional lack of intimacy very troubling, you feel rejected and unloved in the bedroom, and this is a huge part of a marriage.
So I would want to know why she's not willing to explore why she avoids sexual intimacy. I know that you said she's stubborn and won't go to counseling or the doctor's; this doesn't mean that YOU can't make an appointment for a marriage counselor and go yourself, without her if she won't join you. At best, it may kick start her into beginning to work on this problem and at worse, you'll know YOU are trying, even if she isn't.
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo BitterBlue: thanks for the well-thought answer. Unfortunately I have asked all those questions. That's the problem, she just wont tell me. When we talk about it all she ever says is that she doesn't know what's wrong with her; she just has no interest in sex...period. She puts all the blame on her, which I don't know if is the equivalent of the old "it's not you, it's me" crap when someone is dumping you.Channy: part of me says you are right and that I shouldn't make a big deal of it. I just worry that if there is something bigger under the surface and I ignore it the results could be ugly. I understand your comment about me taking care of myself too and I do. I am not in as good of shape as her, but I can't spend 2-3 hours in the gym each day. I do take care of myself but understand your point.To the person who said I am him a dozen years ago...yes you could certainly say she likes to control things...certain things....but not all things. Thanks for the great post!!!! Sometimes hearing someone say; "I feel your pain" just makes you feel a bit more normal.I guess the bottom line is that we need to talk about it more. We both have alot on our plates right now, so I don't want to beat the hell out of the subject, but I don't think it can be ignored. I will take some of the great comments here and try to get her to visit a counselor together.Thanks everyone. I would love to hear more thoughts....
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female
reader, channy_2009  +, writes (21 August 2009):
Take it from a females point of view! she needs to be made to feel like the most important, sexy woman in the world.My advice would be to send the kids off for a weekend (babysitter, grandparents etc) and take her away. She could just be stresses due to everyday life. Dont take this the wrong way but maybe you should get a bit of a makeover. (haircut, new clothes, wax etc)Take her out for dinner and spend sum quality time together! dont pressure her, just make her feel special and she'll cum round in her own time.Dont get stressed cuz whether you realise it or not, she will pick up on it.Good Luck
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reader, bitterblue  +, writes (21 August 2009):
 You say "I don’t even bother going to bed at the same time at night anymore because I end up just getting mad." - The problem is not beyond repair, you have not YET abandoned the idea of sex and passion altogether, although you seem not very far from doing so. Yes, motherhood may have had an effect upon her libido but there could be many other factors involved, certain medicine or even, as you say, maybe antiquated(!) conceptions about marriage and sex. She should have to agree that a healthy marriage shouldn't be deprived of affection NOR brush off sexual needs, and these two should go hand in hand. Ask her for instance to show you she is also thinking about intimacy and looking forward to it, in some way. This would be ego-enhancing for you, and would confirm to you that what you are doing is appreciated and not just tolerated. Ask her to make the effort and commit to do the same in the directions she points, and if you disagree, negociate, explain your viewpoints, communicate. She climaxes from your sexual encounters, and tells her girlfriends how great you are and the "things you do to her", this sounds as though she is trying, but does not see where exactly the problem lies or what to do for the best. You tell her and guide her... where this problem is and what you think should be done about it. Take her suggestions, as well. Listen to each other. Ask her what she needs to feel happier and more enthusiastic, ask if you are without realising bringing her down in other ways and for her to correct you or draw your attention when this happens. To make a summary of your post: "If I try romance, she says no because I just want sex." - It seems the NUMBER ONE problem here is she doesn't let you be creative and romantic, doesn't let you or herself build or prepare her mood for sex, making her feel relaxed, comfortable, aroused - intellectually and sexually. This would grow her anticipation and desire prior to sex. Right now it seems you have a sort of "appetite comes with eating" scenario - since she doesn't want to be stimulated in any way prior to the act. You must talk about this aspect as this is the key to improve your sex life, as I see it. Her view on sex seems to be quite wrong. Like something that must be let to occur for her to be called a "good wife". I'm sure she can be more excited about it once she changes her views a little. Explain her that sex without emotional attachments is far less satisfying and that both of you should feel free to express your care and affections, also in a romantic way. It sounds as though, from what you say, she isn't convinced you are romantic because you feel like it or as a way to somehow "trick" her into having sex! Which leads us to the next step: explain to her how you feel in detail. You could as well try and "replay" the dating period. Seduce each other again, start from zero, just kissing, looking out for each other, taking care of one another and DON'T have sex for two weeks while you focus on simply enjoying spending time with each other without doing something specific. A day or two per week where you can leave your kids at their grandparents might also be a good idea so you can spend more alone time. All the best.PS: If she isn't particularly expressive or romantic don't expect the moon and the stars. Maybe you exaggerate a little yourself when you keep on questioning and doubting that she praised you to her girlfriends. Just tell her there is room for more and get her to agree to explore these theories together and to try and have fun in the process!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2009): I would worry about your marriage. On a simple reading she isn't attracted to you and goes through the motions so as not to rock the boat. I understand a woman's need to want to retain some mystery to spice up your relationship but what she is doing is subverting it by alienating you in the bedroom, what our culture calls the impetus for cohabitation.Either she has experienced some type of abuse or she has a friend elsewhere. But am I being glib. Have you both been to counseling or seen a sex therapist about this?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2009): Oh wow, you're me a dozen years ago, you poor bugger.Does your wife hate to lose control? Just curious.Kids can be death for your sex life -- initially because they're exhausting, and later because they stay up later than you so you never feel like you have the privacy.My wife is 44, and it's only in the last two or three years that she's seemed to get into sex beyond going through the motions for my sake. It certainly wasn't anything I did. Maybe she's just hitting her 'prime' now. It's a damned shame (for both of us) that mine's so far in the past.Sorry I have no suggestions for you, but maybe it helps to have someone commiserate.
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