A
female
age
30-35,
*ope_l_W1989
writes: How do I explain it in a short way... I'm 25. I am in a same sex relationship with my partner who is 4 years my senior. We've been together just over a year. She has a 4 year old child with her ex, who they have been split for 3 years because he'd been cheating on her throughout her pregnancy. He has the child every other weekend, although this has been a gradual increase as he hasn't really been bothered before this last year. All of a sudden he is now spending time with my partners family. Basically, my partners mum has all of sudden started seeing him constantly. She went and watched the kids dad play rugby the other week ( leaving her own sons football which she never does early so she could get there). Last weekend He picked the child up for weekend and dropped her back off as normal on Sunday . My partner then spent all day with her mother on Monday (her mother is apparently depressed so she's been really supportive and helpful to her) then Monday night my partner finds out by another family member that her mother and little sister went round the kids dads on Friday for dinner.. With his new partner and her kid. But didn't mention this to her daughter on Monday. When My partner challenged her she's just said she doesn't need to tell her who she sees. But that's not the point, it's the princable of the fact the mother didn't tell her. Why the sneaking around? I get they can do what they want but my partner is uncomfortable with it due to the fact it's sneaking around and upsetting that she feels her mother is now playing happy families with him and his new family. My partner hasn't spoken to her mum for a week but slowly my partners two sisters, her brother and her brothers fiancé are starting to treat her badly, being short with her, and not really bothering. It feels a bit like the mother is turning them against her? Anyways, I think the mother and daughter need to talk, but the mother doesn't see that what's she's doing has upset her daughter and will not apologise, the daughter won't speak until her mum acknowledges this. My partner and my partners dad have always said that the kids dad, and my partners mother; will (if they haven't already) end up sleeping with each other?! All the family now speak to him on a regular basis, they speak to him more than they speak to my partner! I don't like it, of course it makes me feel like they prefer him, to me, but I understand he was around for about 8 years so they all have that bond with him, but did he not choose to walk away from the family the second he decided to cheat on her? Does this all make sense? I have no idea what to suggest to fix this? I think her mother is being out of order and needs to put space in between them. What is everyone else's thoughts?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (22 April 2015):
 When my first husband and I split up my parents had a very close relationship with my ex. It was not for him they can't stand him, but it was for the children.
IF the mom and siblings alienate the dad who has this child a lot, then they will be estranged from the child too.
Hold your friends close and your enemies closer.
He can't walk away from the family. He cheated on his ex not the family. He's father to this child, like it or not he's part of the extended family.
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (19 April 2015):
 That's a bit of a tough situation. If I had split with an ex and my mother continued to sneak around behind my back to hang out with him/her, I'd be pretty pissed off. Is your mother allowed to have a relationship with whomever she pleases? Technically, yes, of course she is. But at the same time, it's her daughters ex boyfriend, so that kind of changes things. I know I would be extremely uncomfortable with it and I wouldn't exactly know what my mothers intentions were if I were in her shoes It definitely feels like it crosses a boundary, in my book. And I would not be okay with it. Her allegiance should be with her daughter.
I think you are right that they need to talk, but unfortunately, that's not something you can make happen without both of them consenting. It sounds like the mother is being unreasonable at this moment and is not willing to talk. So there's really not a whole lot you can do. Just keep trying to be supportive of your girlfriend. I don't think you are wrong in your feeling, if that helps any at all. Her mom is crossing a boundary that should not be crossed, and I think it is very tacky. She should respect her daughters wishes about the matter.
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