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male
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anonymous
writes: My best friend has been in a difficult relationship cycle for two years. There is a guy at her college that she is somewhat attracted to; he apparently has feelings for her, and is quite open about it. However, she feels strongly that he is not the right man for her, and wants to let it go. But this is hard for her to do.She continues to return to him and seemingly re-initiate interest in him... engaging in flirting, etc. Her reasons for doing so are unknown -- both to me, and to her. I do not know if the root of the problem is loneliness, or desire for a soulmate, or what. (She is quite the romantic.) She does not want a relationship at this time, and especially not with this guy. He is not good for her because of his controlling nature, immature attitudes, and other things. Yet she still cannot seem to control herself and keep herself from occasionally returning to him, due in part to his feelings for her and also to the fact that she does like him in a way. She enjoys being around him. With all due respect to her, it's a very maddening soap opera of sorts. (And she knows it.)I wish he could be out of her life, but it's impossible. Her college is very small and she cannot avoid him... there are many mutual friends between them and common activities, etc. Besides, this seems to be a tendency of hers - to be "addicted" to a guy that's not good for her and to be unable to get away from the relationship without geographical change - and she wants to conquer this, not run from it. But by now, she is very distraught and is currently seeking counseling.Advice would be very appreciated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2006): I think the best thing for your friend is to stick with the counseling idea, and as her friend I would stop giving her advice about this situation as it just wears on you and your friendship, and would interfere with her counseling....a trained professional will be able to get to the bottom of this issue and help her in ways that you can't because you are too close to her and the situation at hand...be patient, it will all work out, if she is distraught and dumps everything on you, try to distract her with something pleasant to do or to talk about, don't give her room to ruminate about it all, that just makes it worse for her and harder to break free of the drama of her life.
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reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (17 October 2006):
 Hey,It sounds like your friend is addicted to the drama of this relationship. She has to get closure on the future she built up with him in her head. I wrote a book on Women's Emotional Needs. It sounds to me like his actions address her emotional needs, but in a bad way. That explains why INTELLECTUAL she does not want to be with him, but EMOTIONAL she keeps going back. I ahve a whole chapter on why women date jerks, and it is my conviction that he addresses her emotional needs.-Frank B KermitAuthor: Everything Out of Her Mouth is a Test: A Man's Guide to the Emotional Needs of Women.
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