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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi guys - I posted a few weeks ago about the fact that I think my guy is masturbating whilst asleep. We are not sexually active with one another yet and I have slept over at his house 4 times. Each night he has been masturbating (or at least i am 99% sure that is what he is doing). I think he is asleep when he does it, although the other night I am sure he was sitting up doing it (I sleep with my back to him) so I wonder if he is asleep or not!!! He certainly seems like he is. This is the first time I have experienced this with a boyfriend and I don’t feel ready to join in! Apparently, it is very common. I would really appreciate it if some men who have been told that they do this while they are asleep would respond to this - I guess I just need some reassurance that this is normal!!! Also, if you are doing this whilst you're awake and your partner is lying beside you, could you tell me why you do it (the thrill of your partner catching you, because your partner is off sex, etc)? I actually feel very turned on when my guy does it (but not ready to do anything about it) and it also feels like a naughty secret because he has no idea that I know. Of course, there is the other scenario - what if he is asleep and hasn’t been told that he does this? Should I tell him? But first I need to determine if he is asleep when he is doing it short of shining a torch in his face!!! If I decide to mention it, how do I do it?!?!?! See, I wonder if he would be embarrassed and cross that I know. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2006): This is normal, atleast for my hubby it is. He goes through the "motions" when he is asleep. Gropes, humps, and pulls off clothing.
Best wishes :)
A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (2 November 2006):
 I'd put money on the fact that he's awake. He's probably just turned on as hell by you being in bed with him and just has to do something about it. Which, to answer your question, is totally normal, at least in my book! I've done it myself when necessary :)
I don't think you should have a problem being in a bed with him whilst he masturbates. And I don't think he should have a problem with it either. This is hard, since we have some cultural conditioning that masturbation is in some way shameful, but it's really natural and normal. When one of the other of my girlfriend and I is very turned on, and the other is really not, we'll masturbate with the other person around. Sometimes doing this turns on the other person and we end up having sex, sometimes it doesn't. But its fine either way. Either way it is something to be open abou, not something we feel we need to hide.
I don't think you should suprise him with a 'hey what are you doing'. He might get embarassed and that could set up a negative dynamic between the two of you on this issue. Since you don't feel ready to join in you might want to leave it for a while. Or you could get involved just by watching but not participating.
Either way I suggest you let him know that you know he is doing it. And that its fine. Do this during the day, out of the bedroom. Make sure you let him know that you are happy for him to be doing this... that is really important. You want him to feel comfortable masturbating with you around without feeling shame and without feeling you have to be directly involved. It's much better that this is shared and talked about than it is his 'dirty little secret'.
It's a difficult subject to communicate about, but succeeding in doing so will be good for the intimacy of your relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2006): I agree in that it sounds that he is very sexually frustrated, his sexual craving is so high he is masturbating in a "risky" (e.g. he could get found out) situation because the desire to orgasm is so high he can't control it.
I disagree with the last advice because you said you don't feel ready to take your relationship further so asking if you can help out, probably isn't the right thing to say to him.
I would say he is almost certainly awake when he is doing this, and he probably thinks you are sleeping. Maybe you could try making "waking up noices" to see if he stops?
Best thing you can do is talk to him about how he feels about you guys not having a sexual relationship. Has he had a sexual relationship with other women? What is his experience? his age? all these questions help fit a profile of how he would be thinking and what he is probably expecting or wanting. Ask him if he is happy with the situation that you guys arn't being intimate. I'm not sure if you should bring up the masturbating, that depends on the kind of relationship you have - you're the best person to judge on that. Good luck. :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2006): AAHH bless, this is a classic case of frustrated man!
He really wants to be intimate with you and obviously seeing you laying in bed alseep (or not as you have said you have seen him ding it)is too much for him to hold back!.
I think its a may be a good time to start getting intimate with him.
Maybe you could pretend to roll over in your sleep and then wake up and say something like "hey what are you doing?" if he acts embarrassed just look him in the eye and say "dont be embarrassed I've seen you do it, maybe I can help".
its not full sex but its a good place to start, then it opens the door to talk about it also.
I think he secretly wants you to discover him doing it so you can help!.
ok have fun
XX
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