A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of 4 years has recently decided to work away. He has accepted a permanent job miles away for 5 years. Ever since we first met I made it clear to him that I would not like to be in a relationship where my boyfriend worked away. Up until now he has never worked away or talked about wanting to. We have a daughter who is 3. I am devastated and dont understand why he would do this. Other than the fact that he doesn't care about anyone or anything except himself.There is plenty of work where we live and working away is not a necessity, it is his choice.During our 4 year relationship I have found it hard/impossible to get housekeeping money from him, (he is not responsible for any of the bills) and for half the time he has not bothered to get a job he has been lazing at home in bed all day.I think he has commitment and responsibility issues. I don't think that when he has gone that he will start to give me any money and he expects me to wait around for him in the meantime.He has caused me so much emotional upset since I have been with him it has been one thing after another, he has had bouts of heavy drinking which I have had to put up with along with everything else that goes with it.I have had it with him.Am I being unreasonable ? I would be grateful if someone would give me their opinion.
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (8 January 2009):
 This relationship sounds troubled at its core. Have you two ever sat down and worked through the finances together? How do you two communicate otherwise?
Have you stayed with him for your child's sake? Sorry for all the questions but I'm trying to figure out why you have stuck with him for 4 years if there are so many problems from the start.
I don't think it's unreasonable to expect that major life decisions that affect a commited partnership not be taken without consensus. I don't think it's unreasonable for both parties to share household expenses. I just wonder if he thinks he's actually in a commited relationship, and also I wonder about whether or not he is a functional alcoholic. Perhaps he is moving away (is that what he's doing?) so he can drink all he wants?
I am sorry for the hurt and upset you've been going through, it sounds very difficult and emotionally draining. I hope you are taking good care of yourself and your little girl.
Have you ever tried couples counseling? Or perhaps you might consider attending an al-anon meeting to see if there is some good support for you there. It depends on the level of the drinking, but if it is causing major problems in your life, then it might be worth going to a meeting or two. What do you have to lose?
I hope this helps in some way, take care.
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