A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I think I'm in love with two people, and I don't want to do something drastic and ruin both of the relationships for good. Im 19 and engaged to my boyfriend of almost 2 years. He has a house and a business and I know I'm going to be financially set. But lately I'm having feelings of not being ready to settle down, I want to go and study at University etc. I'm also having dreams and signs that make me think of my ex boyfriend who I loved very much. We broke up after only 4 months because of trust issues but always remained good friends, and then a month later I met my fiance. My ex lives in another part of the country and has a girlfriend. After almost a year of no contact with my ex I found him on the net and sent him a message. After tracking him down I had butterflies and that short of breath feeling, and everything I felt for him has come rushing back. I don't know what to do.
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broke up, engaged, fiance, has a girlfriend, my ex, the internet, university Reply to this Question
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female
reader, princessjasmine  +, writes (5 August 2008):
I agree..u need to set ur priorities straight. It doesnt matter if he wont like the convo...u NEED TO HAVE IT....I really think u shud focus on urself..and take a break from relationships in general....maybe u can b friends with ur ex again...but ur not ready for engagement at all.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2008): It sounds like you may not be ready to get married. You have too much unfinished business being yourself. If I were you, I would postpone the engagement at the very least until I felt confident and happy with the marriage and the life that came with it.
Any chance your fiance would move closer to your university of choice, or at least open up an office and rent an apartment with you in the university town so he could spend lots of time with you?
As for your ex, your fantasizing about him is probably more an expression of something lacking in your relationship with your fiance. Are you sure that you couldn't get what you need (say more imagination or fun) from your fiance, simply by asking? If not, financial stability etc is nice, but not in itself reason to marry anybody! You might as well just go to uni and enjoy meeting the guys there, one of whom may combine the best features of both your loves.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI understand where ur coming from and the answers so far have given me a lot to think about, theres some additional info I left out of my question that might be whats making me so confused....I've tried University before, right after we got engaged, I moved back home after 5 months because long distance was too hard - mainly on my fiancee's end, and the university I'm looking at now is double the distance away from where I studied last, I want to talk to him about it but I'm concerned he won't understand - I get the feeling from him he wants me to stay with him and play housewife.
Also the break-up with my ex was very sudden and there has never been any real closure. We were only together for 4 months but the way I felt about him in that short time, if we hadn't split I could have seen myself spending the rest of my life with him. It's hard to explain but my ex and my fiancee are very different and I'v loved them for very different reasons, you can't really put them side by side its like choosing between apples and banannas.The feelings I've been having for my ex are just so strong (and I would never cheat on my fiancee), I'm trying my best to just ignore them and hope they'll go away but thats easier said than done.
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A
female
reader, princessjasmine +, writes (4 August 2008):
I'm around your age and I know how you feel. My parents have been pressuring me for marriage cuz its part of the culture. I SO wanted tomarry my bf (been together for a year) I kinda rushed into it...nevertheless, it didnt work out. I feel a sigh of relief and yet I'm sad about it. Im relieved becaause I feel like I can still explore...I feel like Im still so young and theres still so much out there, why limit myself. Why limit myself to all the great guys out there. I love my bf but is he really the one? Marriage is A HUGE STEP. Personally, I dont think ur really feeling anything for ur ex, its more the thought that if ur stuck with one guy, omg wat if i still like my ex or what if i do..wat if im not ready..basically WORRY AND FEAR AND ALL THE WHAT IF'S really really get you down.
Now u are engaged so this guy taht is ur fiance must b pretty amazing. You have 2 options:
1.) Trust ur intuition. Are u really ready? and if not, talk to him that ur not ready for marriage, that u wanna study and explore more life. you are pretty young.
2.) Stay engaged and get rid of all the what if's because in life, everything falls into place. Even if ur not 100% sure that this is the one and that ur not ready, let urself be worry free, leave it in God's hands rather than u controlling ur destiny. If ur meant to get married, and u really do love this guy...then STOP DOUBTING IT...because the more u doubt and analyze, the worse u feel. BE HAPPY and get married. It is true, you can study and be married.
This is a tough one cuz im going thru the same thing. I can't wait to b married and hav a diff life and yet i honestly feel like i need more time to mature, which is y im not married yet. Usually doubting the guy wont make u feel happy, but if u let urself LOVE and let urself devote al ur time and energy to him then U WILL BE HAPPY. Its more about u than the guy. its about how u make urself feel. I believe that u can make things work with someone who is good enough. No one is perfect and being super picky WILL NEVER MAKE U SATISFIED. So I personally think, if hes REALLY A GOOD GUy and u love him, stick with it, but tell him u wanna get married in a year or 2..not any time soon.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2008): Your x is x. You are not single and actually engaged.
You should stay with your fiance. I don't see the problem to study even if you are married.
Whatever you do, don't cheat. Once it is done, it will never be the same.
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