A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyone, I feel kinda scared and wierd asking this question but I'm so confused and I need help. Today after I got home from picking up my boyfriend from work, we ate breakfast and he was watching the highlights from the celtics vs lakers games. Normally when we have sex he always starts because im kinda shy, but today I wanted to start so he can see that im not insecure and feel comfortable around him. So I start teasing him with my hands down his boxers while he lays back on the bed and watches the game. He got hard but he still wasn't giving me any attention so I told him 2 turn off the tv, then he says to me "can u give me one minute im watching the highlights". So then I stopped because I felt embarassed, I felt like I was unwanted and didn't know what I was doing. Then a few minutes later he starts trying to kiss on me and stuff but I was turned off, I really didn't wanna do it anymore but he started getting mad and stuff. I have a problem getting wet ever since I've started taking birth control pills, so I normally give him oral to get his penis nice and wet so it can be used as lubricant, but I really was turned off and didn't wanna give him head anymore. Then he got mad and told me to get out his house so I was trying to leave but he wouldn't let me and I started crying, then he kept on asking me to at least wet his penis with my spit and rub it with my hands instead of oral, so I did but I didn't want to, sometimes I just do what he tells me cz I get scared of him. He wanted me to be on top but I told him no so then he wanted to do it from the back. I just got off my period so we haven't had sex for a while so my vagina was tight and my stomache hurt a bit because I got a cramp from eating too much. Then when he starts he rams his penis into me and starts having sex with me hard and it really hurt I told him to stop cz it hurt but I guess he thought I was joking(I normally do like rough sex). I had my face down on the bed covered between pillows and started to cry, he came on my back. I felt really bad I felt like I had been raped. I just layed down face down while he wiped his cum off my back and felt so broken inside. He tried to be nice and cuddle with me but I didn't feel comfortable. He didn't even notice that I felt really bad as if I had just been raped. Basically I love him but sometimes I'm kinda scared of him and do what he tells me. I'm 18 by the way I'm not sure if that's relevant. I don't know what to do.
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insecure, lubricant, period, rough sex, shy, teasing, vagina Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, scrazy  +, writes (21 June 2008):
 Nice one Diovan!
Sweetie, if there's more then one person recommending you check that link out and more then 5 people, telling you to LEAVE this man, you should be listening.
You came to us for advice and this is what we're telling you.
I've just read your second post again and I believe I missed some things... Your first real boyfriend?
Would it be wrong for me to guess that you don't think you're going to get any better then him, so you're just sticking by what you know?
Not every guy is like him! Let someone who actually deserves you show you that you deserve to be treated better! No man should be scaring you to submit to him; you're not a dog and you're not his slave.
He should not be controlling you, he should love you just the way you are!
Your parents obviously don't know shit about this guy; he probably plays nice in front of them so they love him and think you're overreacting when you tell them you've been in a fight with him.
Tell them what happened, do you think your parents actually want you to stay with a guy like him?!
I'm going to say it again: LEAVE HIM.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2008): I agree completely with what Diovan and Scrazy have said - this guy is dangerous and controlling, you need to get out of this relationship. No decent boyfriend would control wht you buy/how you do your hair/what you wear etc, but would instead accept you for who you are. You obviously see there are problems, otherwise you wouldn't have posted this thread, however you now appear to be trying to do what a lot of victims of domestic abuse do - trying to justify all the terrible things about this relationship.
Deep down, you clearly know this is wrong. Please, please get rid of this loser before it goes any further. This is NOT a healthy relationship.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 June 2008):
 Do you think you need help with this relationship? Your first post sounded quite desperate, hurt and sad. He's quite simply has EX-boyfriend written all over him from my standpoint.
Did you call the number I gave you or visit the website?
If you didn't, why not?
He forced sex on you, made you cry, you're scared of him, you don't do things without his permission.
Have you read the new links provided? If not, why not?
Please at least look at the website and read the article before you post back, so that we know that you're doing something to help yourself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2008): From his controlling ways, I'm not surprised he forced you into having sex. Now leave him, I don't understand why you asked for advice if you were going to stick up for him? It's not like us people are going to stick up for this guy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2008): SNAP Scrazy, I guess we're thinking the same thing, but you got there first.... Run girl run, as fast as you can... This one's a SICK ABUSIVE FREAK.......
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2008): "I asked him if I could buy it and he said yes"...."didn't I tell u you I don't like your hair like that"....."always seems to get mad when it comes to sex".... " don't buy anything without his permission"....."don't wear sh*t like that around me"
Nothing you have said makes the situation better. We are living in the 21st century. You are not his wife, you are not his dog, you are free, you now have human rights, you don't have to be a slave, you have the right to you own wants, wishes and opinions. THIS MAN IS DANGEROUS... He will eventually hit you, hurt you and make you cry. LEAVE HIM, he's sick, he's a freak....... see this letter and identify the loser your dating. http://www.dearcupid.org/question/warning-signs-youre-dating-a-loser
He raped you, and you were so scared you couldn't fight back. He had sex with you even though you were crying and obviously was scared and frightened. He will use you and hurt you worse than this, leave him before he puts you in hospital or in the graveyard. Trust us, we've seen it all before.
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A
female
reader, scrazy +, writes (18 June 2008):
Could you please re-read what you typed out and think of it from a different person's point of view?
That's not little things; that's him trying to control you. Just because he hasn't full out beaten you doesn't mean anything - what he's doing is still WRONG, you have to realize that.
What is he, your father? You don't have to ASK his permission to buy a skirt, are you kidding me?! You're a grown women!
And if those "little things" make him mad, I'm afraid to hear what he's going to do if a big thing happens and he becomes angry.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/warning-signs-youre-dating-a-loser.html
check this link out and see if this is applies to your boyfriend. And if they do, you NEED to leave him.
xo
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2008): girl you need to get away from him.. NOW! that is rape. I know what u are going through. i can see it all - your defending him 'he does alot of good for me though' after u tell us that he TELLS YOU what he doesn't like u wearing, or what not to do with ur hair. well i'm sorry and this might upset you but i would get to fu*k away from him and report him to the police. you are worth alot more, you can find yourself a lovely guy who certainly wont do that to you!! take care x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2008): When I said that - do things sometimes becuase he scares me- I mean its like little things sometiimes, like for example he always seems to get mad when it comes to sex. I can't explain, it he is a nice guy and he's like my 1st real boyfriend my family likes him and stuff, I don't buy anything without his permission, like for instance I don't normally wear mini skirts but he always complains that I need to switch up my style, the other day I told him I bought a denim high wasted mini skirt and one day I wore it when I went to see him, and he was so mad at me because I was wearing that even though I was wearing shorts, then he says" don't wear sh*t like that around me" but before I even bought the skirt I I asked him if I could buy it and he said yes. He doesn't like curls in my hair, but sometimes I wash my hair at night and put rollers with the intention of straightening my hair in the morning but sometimes I wake up late and don't have time to straighten my hair. Then when he sees me he gets mad and says" didn't I tell u you I don't like your hair like that?". I mean little things like that, but he does a lot of good things for me though.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (18 June 2008):
 Sounds like rape to me, but not all rape is the same.
Basically you didn't so much say "no" as "not right now". You wanted it earlier and presumably would have wanted it at some later time, just not at that moment.
He did not respect that and that is wrong. Forcing you then and continuing when you were in pain is even worse. Most women do not cry during sex no matter how rough they like it. He forced you and knew it was against your will.
I would suggest you just talk it out, that this was a very bad accident but things happen sometimes and you just have to deal with them as best as possible.
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BUT then you say this "but sometimes I'm kinda scared of him and do what he tells me". Whoa!
BIG WARNING SIGN: you have been scared of him before and just obey him because you fear him?
What are you, a girlfriend or a hostage? This wasn't the first incident of violence/anger?
I think we got a far bigger issue here then sexual play getting out of control. Just what else has he done? He is starting to sound like some who got problems controlling his emotions and may very well become or already be a wife-beater.
Please clarify why you have been scared before. A one time incident can be dealt with, but if this is part of a pattern...
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A
female
reader, scrazy +, writes (18 June 2008):
Sweetie, the second you say NO and he doesn't stop, means it's rape.That's disgusting what he did to you; you need to dump his ass. Right now! What he did was WRONG, he doesn't deserve to apologize or get a second chance.What worries me even more is that you were with him, even though he scared you? That's not love, that's someone who has SCARED YOU in submission, so he can do whatever he wants!Get out of that relationship NOW!!! Don't talk to him, don't let him come see you, STAY AWAY FROM HIM!Men like that will KILL YOU if you stay with them, leave now while you still have a chance! And TELL someone what happened; your parents, your best friend, ANYONE.And use that number that Tisha-1 gave you.But please, leave him before he hurts you even more.xoscrazy
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 June 2008):
No does mean no. If he was my boyfriend, he'd now be the ex-boyfriend. No apologies, no do-overs, no accepting any apologies. He's finished, end of story. I'd never see him again, ever.
I'm sorry that you feel so hurt and broken by this experience. It might help to talk with a rape crisis counselor to see what your options are. Here's a website for you to look at:
http://www.rainn.org/get-help/national-sexual-assault-hotline
Their phone number is 1.800.656.HOPE
Don't see or talk with him again until you've checked out the website and called the number. It is confidential, and they do seem to have trained counselors on hand to help you.
Take care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2008): "sometimes I just do what he tells me cz I get scared of him. "
Aside from the fact that he did indeed, from your description, do what appears to be rape, the above statement REALLY worries me. The man you love should not scare you. If I were you, I would get out of this. Now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2008): LEAVE THIS GUY NOW. HE IS DANGEROUS AND WILL HURT YOU AGAIN. You cannot love somebody who scares you, you cannot love somebody who hurts you, you cannot love somebody who has sex when you've told them no.
You may love him, but he dosen't love you. The TV is more important than you and he scares and frightens you to keep you under control and do what he says. What kind of love is based on fear and violence. STAY AWAY FROM HIM BEFORE HE HURTS YOU BADLY.
Your ashamed to be with him (because he scares you) I bet your frightened to leave as well. Could you tell your friends, your mother what this man has done to you. NO! That's because your frightened and know the way he's treating you is wrong. Finish this relationship now before this man hurts you badly and puts you in hospital. You deserve better and your family would hit the roof if they knew what is going on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2008): That must have been really scary for you.
I don't think he realised what he did upset you so much, but he really didn't show any concern for you or consideration. It doesn't sound like this guy respects you very much.
I don't think that being with someone you're scared of is a good idea. I don't think this is a good relationship. I knwo it would be hard because you love him... But I think you'd be better off with someone who respected you and that you wern't scared of.
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A
female
reader, Star_07 +, writes (18 June 2008):
 Sounds like rape to me. Its called "date rape." You said "I told him to stop" but he thought you were joking? Stop means stop, no means no.
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