A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Ive written here before, and I know I think I am looking for an answer that doesn't exist. I've been with a man for over 3 1/2 years. We got engaged last year and broke off the engagement about 6 weeks before the wedding. Every time I get upset about one of our fights, I ask here for advice. No one has ever said he sounds like a great guy and I should stay. He's a hot head. He's mad all the time. But he manages to turn everything around and make it somehow my fault. I, admittedly stupidly, have been considering reuniting with him. I know it's for the wrong reasons. I keep hoping he can go back to the nice man that he was. Although, he's never really nice for long stretches. It's just intermittent. I can't seem to forget his rude and nasty comments, but I would like to. Comments like, "I gave you a ***damned ring, what more do you want!?"He tells me I'm mentally abusive to him. In reality I believe it's the other way around. We are trying really hard to reconnect and yesterday he called me mid morning to ask what my plans were for the day. I told him I had errands and appointments all day, but was free and alone in the evening/night. He said he'd call me later. Well, by 8pm I hadn't heard from him. I didn't want to be the mean, crazy girl he says I am so I sent him a text that said I assumed he got busy and that I was going to either go to a movie or go to bed early and catch up on some sleep. I was hurt, but didn't let on. He called me when he received the text and was all confused about me being alone for the night. Acted like I was unclear about my plans. I wasn't unclear at all. I told him flat out that I had no plans and was going to be alone. By this time it was 8:30. He asked if I wanted to come over. He lives 45 minutes from me and I had plans with my son for the morning. I would have driven all the way there and then had to turn around an hour and a half later and drive 45 minutes home in order to get to bed at a decent time. So I told him I would have if it had been earlier. He claims he got caught up fixing his cement project. I'm sure he did, but we hardly ever get to see each other! Our houses and our kids and their activities take so much time. I was so excited at the prospect of possibly reuniting with him. I had my eye on the clock all day. I closed up my housework and cleaned up and then hung around the phone in anticipation of his call. He got really mad and told me he's sick of my guilt trips. That he can never do enough to please me. That he's always on edge because I'm so difficult and impossible to please. I take care of myself! I never ask him for help! I go to him as often as I can! I cook for him and fold his laundry. I have helped him with his outdoor projects and taken care of his kids. Why does he see me as impossible to please? I'm not high-maintenance at all! I think the hardest time I'm having is with the fact that he describes me as someone I don't recognize. I've been going to a therapist for years. I am very truthful with him and he has met my kids, my parents, even someone I used to date. He sees me as the person I identify with. A calm, reasonable, kind, caring, considerate, cabable, loving, generous human being. Why does my boyfriend see a crazy bitch? I think I need to leave but I have this desire to get him to see he's wrong about me. How do I get past that?
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 September 2014):
 You need to wake up and smell the coffee.
YOU already know that "being nice" is an act he puts on whenever he has been a asshat to long. It's like fly-fishing. You throw out 3 good throws in hope to real in the fish.
You write:"Why does my boyfriend see a crazy bitch?"
He is BAITING you with the "nice guy routine". To sow some doubt in your head, and lady, it's working. THIS is how he controls you. By making YOU doubt yourself and your self worth. "Maybe he isn't so bad after all, maybe I'm just not good enough - I MUST PROVE to him that I'm actually a great person and a great catch!.." THAT is what he is making you think. So you continue to bend over backwards trying to PROVE something you shouldn't HAVE to prove. You cook, you clean you watch his kids? And what does he do in return? He manipulates you into thinking that HE is the great catch...
Sorry, I think I replied to your last post too, this guy is NOT EVER going to be the dream boat you WANT him to be.
I unfortunately think you will stay with him and continue to be his doormat, because you rather have him dirty footprints all over then be on your own.
I wish you luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2014): Run baby run! He sounds like he has a lot of problems. You shouldn't be folding laundry etc. Just forget this whole relationship. He is a manipulator. He has manipulated you into being the bad guy in a passive aggressive way- sets up a date then fails to contact you and blames you etc. Somehow your ego won't let you let go of caring what he thinks, you have to prove him wrong. You aren't the bad guy, just care about yourself.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (22 September 2014):
 I remember you saying at the restaurant he would check out hockey scores. Sounds like he just doesn't know what to do or say on a date. He thinks that a ring would make a woman happy forever. He has anxiety about dates so he would purposefully call late so that it couldn't happen. I think he is no longer nice because he knows that some women get divorce later and take men to the cleaners. Before it was carefree dating. Now that the marriage is approaching he is worried that each day is an opportunity for you to pick on him and think of reasons for a divorce.
I will give it a shot and give you the answer you want. My dad's mom died when he was three and despite having three sisters, the bonding with mom was cut shot after she got cancer. He did not know how to relate with women and my mom would comment that there was something missing in the romance department. My mom wants an emotional connection and stimulating conversations. My dad would cry one day, frustrated and say, he didn't know what to talk about. Either your fiance had trouble with his mom or he was mentally abused by her. He's angry he couldn't figure women out and instead of being humble and trying to learn a species that's foreign to him, he turned his anger outwards. Being angry all the time can be a sign of borderline personality.
You know those jokes about what men want and what women want. For men, it's a short list. Sex, house keeping and leave them alone. For women, it's a huge list including emotional ones that's difficult for men to understand. That joke must be written by men like him.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (21 September 2014):
 You don't need to let him know anything. Sounds like he knows everything anyway. Why try to 'fix' him? You can't fix stupid. Just go!
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