A
female
age
41-50,
*wisted
writes:So my relationship is changing in some major ways. This once very attentive loving man ( I will call "G"), who wanted nothing more than to spend as much time as he could has turned into something else entirely. We had a baby almost 4 months ago, which I know changes a relationship, but come on! I used to be able to tell him when I was unhappy with something and vise-versa, now when I try to tell him, he says all I do is complain and he's so sick of hearing it day after day. But here's the thing, he may be right, but I feel it's because he has turned into this completely other person who is now the "I'm the man and if I say so than it is" type. Who the hell wants that? I want the man I fell in love with, not this other guy who has moved in without asking! Our fights were never really that bad but lately....oh boy. We have been having some SERIOUS money issues and recently things were looking up, he got a much better job making much more money and has always handed over his paycheck to me because he said he would spend it if he had it, so I would give him what he needed every day and pay the bills with the rest. NOW, he's making over 50% more of what he was and still claims he wants me to handle the money, but everytime I say anything about him spending it, he snaps at me and tells me not to tell him what to do! Seriously? This week I finally had enough and told him HE could take care of the bills since he hasn't let me pay a damn thing in almost 3 weeks because "we can't be without cash". Money burns a whole through this man's pocket faster than acid! I told him at the end of the week, whatever he has left over from this weeks check he can give to me so maybe I can pay at least 1 bill, and he can keep giving me the left-overs each week until we are completely in debt. I will always have a home to go to and so will my child but I just had hoped it would be with him. I know most people break up because they have money problems so it causes other fights, but what happens when our fighting is already about money itself. We don't have to have money problems, there is enough to pay our bills! This is driving me crazy, I used to make $75,000 a year and paid ALL my bills and never depended on ANYONE, now I completely dependant upon him and he can't be depended on! Awesome. I was with someone for over 10 years (my highschool sweetheart kinda)before I was with G and he never made me as happy as G could (and did) in all the years he had to do it in, and I was never in love with him like I was with G. I also never hated him as much as I hate G right now (still loving him at the same time). I guess because the love feelings are stronger, the hate ones are stronger too. Right now I feel like I just want to split up because there is NO talking, no matter what my approach is, and I've tried everything. I never wanted to even think of my life without him and he's forcing me to. I hate him for that too. What the hell should I do??????????????
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debt, fell in love, money, moved in, split up Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2008): HiGosh, when I read your post I was feeling like you are writing a story out of my life. I am going EXACTLY through the same thing. Well, I have not found the answer to it all myself, so I wished I could give you THE advice.In terms of the money issues: the fact that he wants you to control it, but then he wants cash to and extend that you are not able to pay the bills, him becoming really stressed and stressing "he is the man" (which speaks for low self esteem) are all signs that I do know well: could it be that your husband is gambling? Sorry, I may be wrong, but the signs are typical. this also explains his mood swings and his change in personality, he is being stressed by it all. I think it would really help to talk to him about it and then he may feel relieved (although he may deny it at first anyway). If it is the case: you have to be in charge of the money and do not let him manipulate you to give him cash (they can use all sorts of tricks) - you being in charge of the money (and that means paying the bills) will at the end be very beneficial to your relationship, because some of the money worries and stresses and anxieties will disappear (especially for you).Othet than that I can only say that you two should talk through it all and explain to him how you feel, as you have done here. As I said I am still struggeling too, but things have imroved a bit. I think it's a tough progress, but I wish you strength and luck!
A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (4 July 2008):
 Hi there,
I feel so sorry for you. It must be miserable. But I think you really need to sit down and discuss this like two reponsible adults.
You have a baby together and you still say you love him (kinda). Can you arrange a babysitter and a night out together away from the stressful environment. Tell him that you are at the end of your tether and thinking about leaving him if you cannot sort your marriage out. Make a list, and ask him to do the same. Maybe you can see what his problems are and you can resolve them together with a fresh start.
But if he is like my mate who suddenly turned into the tradional Portugese male "the man rules the roost" as soon as his partner had a baby, there is little you can do after generations of social conditioning. You may have to go it alone. But I'm sure you dont really want that, so its worth a try isnt it?
good luck and I really hope it works out for you.
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