A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I think he is only with me because of our baby. How can I be sure? He in no way shows that he loves me or even cares about my feelings. When I'm angry at him he never apologises and tries to make out like I'm the bad person. He never wants to spend time with me and never puts me first. I'm always the one who has to initiate anything physical between us whilst he acts like it's some kind of chore. I'm sorry if I'm whining but I feel very alone considering I'm in a relationship. Sometimes I feel like I don't know him at all, he never talks to me. I ask him questions which he doesn't answer. I've recently found him selfish, careless and seriously immature. I've even started to imagine a life without him. But this isn't how I want it to work out. I want to be with him but only if he genuinely loves me. I want to feel cared for. I want us to stay together as a family. To have more children, to grow old together. But every day this seems more unlikely. I can't belive this is happening to us.Sometimes I think he might actually hate me even. Resent me because when I got pregnant (accidentally) that forced him to 'settle down' and be responsible and I know that he doesn't want to do either. I know he loves our baby and would never want to leave her and I'm scared that that's the only thing keeping him here. That isn't enough for me. I don't want to be miserable because he wasn't ready for this.I think the other thing that is making him stick around and stopping him from admiting his true feelings, are his values. He grew up without a father figure and I can imagine that he always thought if he had children he would never leave them. Also he is a serious Christian (as are all his family) and I can imagine that he is still hopeing I will marry him one day so that it seems less sinful to him - having a child out of wedlock. I can't imagine my opinion on marriage ever changing in the near future. I have never wanted that and he has always known this (though he has said to me more than once that he thinks I will change my mind one day). I am not Christian and marriage doesn't mean anything to me. I certainly don't believe it would solve any of the problems that we have been having recently.I just don't know what to say to him anymore. I don't know how I can get him to open up and confide his true feelings to me. In the mean time, I feel as though our relationship is fast falling apart from his lack of love for me.
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female
reader, natasia +, writes (26 October 2010):
 I think interfaith relationships can only work if there is mutual understanding and respect. It sounds like in some ways you are quite liberal, and he is quite conservative. But you need, mostly, to turn around the way he has turned off and is pushing you away. This is so hurtful and I feel very much for you, but you will need to find a way to make it worth his while loving you. Maybe he also feels rejected - can you talk to him about how you feel?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am Wiccan. I've asked a question on this site before about whether interfaith relationships can ever work out as we have had (recent)past problems relating to the fact that he wants to bring our baby up as Christian were as I would rather she chose her own path.
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (25 October 2010):
OK, so that I can properly answer/help - what is your religion, and what is his? There must be some common ground. There always is in religions. But just tell me that, so I can understand, and hopefully help better. Thanks : )
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your responce.
The trouble with marriage is that it is not like I'm not religious at all because I am but because we have such different religions a marriage is potentially difficult to arrange. Sorry if I didn't make this clear in my original question. For a start he has already told me that he wouldn't participate in any of the customs from my own relgion. I feel similarly about his so unless we had a completely unreligious ceremony (which I don't think he or his family would accept as legitamate) then I can't see a way around it. As I said before, I doubt this would solve our problems anyway.
Any further advice on this issue would be much appreciated as I am fast loosng hope.
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (24 October 2010):
I don't know if you want to hear his true feelings. I think this is the situation:
- Yes, having an unplanned baby made him resent you. To add to that, your refusal to respect marriage (which is how he would see it) makes him feel you are not the woman for him.
- Imagine this: he resents you, he feels powerless against your opinions on marriage, and yet you have a child together, and he wants to be a good father. He would probably like it to be a proper, married family (as he would see it), but you won't allow that. He feels tied down, but without the status and respectability that he feels he should have. He knows for sure he is being horrible to you, but he feels trapped and resentful all at the same time, and he takes this out on you. Knowing he is behaving badly probably makes him behave even worse.
What can you do? If marriage means nothing to you, then it doesn't matter if you get married, does it? You could do it for him.
If you want to stay with him, I think you have to accept this religious side of him, and properly respect it, and tell him you have been thinking about marriage. Open the dialogue, because at the moment you are giving him a totally closed door on that, and I think that probably depresses him and make s him feel hopeless.
On the other hand, if you marry him, for sure the bad behaviour, etc, is unlikely to go away. If you can't stand it, you could leave him. But difficult, as I think you love him. Also, your daughter would lose her daddy. Also, you could be going through a bad patch, but these can and do get better in some relationships.
It is tricky. I think I would stay but try to be more flexible and understanding on his views.
good luck xx
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