A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm sorry, this will be rather long :( My husband and I have been together for 7 years (married for almost 2). Our relationship has always been great, we trust each other completely, and he is clearly very in love with me. He has a son from a previous relationship, and I have a great relationship with him, too. In 2016, we went through a lot of stress. I was working in a job I hated, which didn't pay much, I had a crazy schedule and was struggling to make ends meet. Luckily, he got a job which he liked, and he seemed to be thriving. He was filling in temporary positions, and got really good reviews from his supervisors. As I said, I was really stressed, so my depression and anxiety got worse, I gained weight and feel my lifestyle influenced his. Still, he was always there for me and suggested me to quit my job. So I did, as soon as I could, and then got a job back home. He had to quit his job. After this, we returned home and since I was making a decent living, I told him it wasn't urgent for him to get a job, and he should focus on studying to finish his degree. However, I did stress he should try to do this soon, because I'd still like him to get a job. This was 4 years ago, and he still hasn't finished his degree, nor gotten a job.Between 2017 and 2019, we were still living a really unhealthy lifestyle. Eating tons of junk, and watching TV during our free time. We used weed regularly (please, no judgement), and that helped with feeling less stressed. It was a way to relax, and generally we were both just more fun and chill. In several different occasions, he told me he felt sad and weird, for no particular reason, for weeks at a time. I was convinced he had depression, because I'd been feeling like that for a while too, and it sounded like depression. But he's never liked the idea of therapy, so he didn't really seek treatment. I was so demotivated and feeling hopeless, that I didn't seek treatment for myself either. Then we moved abroad for a year, for my postgraduate studies. He was the one pushing me to go for it, as I didn't feel I'd be able to do it, and he was supporting me throughout. We developed a much healthier lifestyle, almost without trying. We didn't smoke weed anymore, because it was difficult to obtain. Initially, he seemed a bit depressed, probably because of the shock of moving to a new place and temporarily leaving everything behind. Everything was going well, though sometimes he did express feelings of sadness, but he thought it wasn't anything to be concerned about. At one point, we tried some weed edibles. It was fun, so we got a few more. And this time, it all started as usual, fun and relaxed. We've always discussed some existential things both when using weed and when sober, and this time was no exception. But eventually, he started crying, and behaving very erratically. He was throwing furniture around, screaming, and while he didn't hurt me, I was afraid he'd hurt himself. He was talking nonsense, existential stuff mostly, how reality wasn't real and so on. This had never happened before while using weed, and I felt it was more than just a bad trip. I got really paranoid and had a panic attack. I was convinced he was broken for good. After a couple of hours, he came back to normal, but was still perplexed by what he experienced. He was fascinated, and says that even though he was behaving like that, he felt euphoric.A few months after that, it happened again. That time we were visiting my sister, and she had some weed. So it seemed weed was the problem, but he didn't think so. It's happened a couple of times again, because he doesn't think it's the weed. He believes he experienced "ego death" (something people into spirituality get into a lot), and says this has helped him overcome a lot of pain he had since his childhood. So, basically, he thinks he's undergone a spiritual awakening of some sort. So he's not really scared about what's been happening, because he says he feels much more calmer, and like he has more clarity. He feels validated because a lot of people have had similar experiences (ie. spiritual awakening), describing almost the same things. Also, he's always had an interest in Buddhism, and he thinks that by meditating he can reach a similar state. In the last time, it feels like it's become an obsession of his. We, of course, talk about a variety of things, but lately he's been going on about this more frequently. He's also been reading about/watching anything he can find on consciousness... sure, it could be a hobby, or a phase, but I don't know. This has really done a number on me. I become really anxious when it happens. A couple of days ago it happened again, and he crossed a boundary for me (he started sending texts to all my family about some of his spiritual "theories"). My parents reacted well, because they were hippies in their youth, so they entertained him, but they don't know what's been going on. My sister texted me, and told me she was concerned. This eroded my trust, because I never expected him to go and talk about these things with my family. I talked to my husband's mom, and she said she'd talk to him, but later in the day when she was calling him, it was a bad time so he didn't pick up and then didn't return her call. I feel like he was avoiding her. But previously he's told her about his spiritual awakening or whatever, and she believes him. But again, she doesn't know what's been going on behind closed doors. We've had fights about this, and Thursday and Friday were awful days. He was behaving erratically again, not as extremely as the first time, but I can tell when he's in this like disassociated state. Like, he'll fall silent, and just stare at me, and I talk to him and he doesn't respond. I told him "You're doing it again... it's happening again", but he just calmly told me that no, he was fine, nothing was happening. But I can tell. He also makes excuses for his behavior afterwards, like "oh, I just got confused", "oh, I got lost in thought and hadn't realized you were talking to me". This left me emotionally and even physically drained. The weekend was fine, especially yesterday. It felt like he was himself again. Today, I'm still watching him.The problem is that because I have anxiety, I become hypervigilant with him, and this is very tiresome. But then I don't know if I'm reading too much into this. When it happens, it feels like a nightmare I want to desperately wake up from, because I don't feel that's my husband. He tells me everything is alright, and maybe yes, he's changed, and he's not gonna be the way he used to be.I think he might have bipolar, or something similar. The symptoms resonate with me. I brought this up, as a genuine concern, but he says he's fine. He doesn't like psychiatry because he says doping people leaves them like zombies and doctors don't actually care about their patients, and if he has any sort of problem, he can overcome it himself. But that if I insist, we can see a doctor. But I doubt myself, too, and maybe I am exaggerating, maybe he really is fine and these were just bad trips. In the meantime, he said he's gonna quit weed, because he feels he doesn't need it anymore. I think he might be experiencing mania, because now for him everything is positive, and good, and he feels euphoric, and great, and so on. Which is good, but something feels off. I know that I have to get myself treatment, and I will. But besides that, I'm scared that I might be losing my husband. I honestly don't know what to do.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2021): Don't worry about the length of your post. Writing is therapeutic, and venting your thoughts and feelings helps. There is plenty of care and compassion here at DC; and we will take the time to read it. Our answers, mine in particular, might be lengthy too! Bear with me!
Don't delude yourself. Your husband is suffering from marijuana addiction. Addicts and alcoholics are always fine, it's everyone bugging them to go to rehab that has the problem!
He is not alright! From your description, it seems there are times he's bordering on an overdose; when he becomes incoherent and disassociated. That by no means is a "spiritual experience!" "He's tripping," as they say! Religious-euphoria is his convenient excuse! You're being gaslighted; because he has no intention of seeking rehabilitation. He won't even get a job! What's his excuse for that?
Claiming he's in religious or spiritual-bliss is rubbish! He's spaced-out! From your description, you might even suspect he's nearing psychosis!
When somebody else's problem is making you sick, it's time you both get some help. You have to offer him an ultimatum. Either he gets help, or you will leave him! Mean it! Why would you put-up with it, when it's driving you into therapy? If you're incapacitated and can't work, you'll find yourself homeless! How bad does it have to get before you become insistent that he gets help? Your college party-days should be over by now!
He's getting weird, violent, and creepy! Now everybody in your family knows he's got a serious problem. That causes everyone concern, and unless you make it clear to him that he has to give-up marijuana; your marriage is in the toilet.
You mentioned he's throwing things around, and having fits or tantrums. It's just a matter of time before HE WILL HURT YOU! Be it intentionally, or unintentionally...what's the difference??? He might also lose his visitation rights to see his child; because a child shouldn't be around someone who is super-high on any kind of drug or alcohol.
He frequently goes into a pot-induced stupor, yet he has a problem with prescription medication...because he'd feel dopey? That's rich! Besides, the cure or therapy for drug-addiction isn't necessarily more drugs! If he was hooked on heroin, opiates, or any other addictive-narcotic drug; there may be drug-therapies to counteract overdose, or to counter extremely painful symptoms from narcotic-withdrawal.
Cognitive-behavioral therapy, motivational enhancement therapy, and other treatments are available; and you'll learn more when you consult with a qualified drug-abuse counselor, or a licensed psychiatrist. Maybe you might get a referral from your primary-care physician.
Sometimes it takes family-intervention; but you've moved away from everyone, and you've isolated yourself too far away from any immediate family-support. People have to learn that you should take more into consideration when moving; than just convenience to work! Isolation and remoteness places you far out of the reach of help; where you'll find yourself alone, with no friends or close-associates to turn to in a crisis. He is totally aware of that! It gives him the upper-hand in resisting any suggestion to get counseling and rehabilitation. Addicts don't want to give-up their choice of drugs! They'll rationalize and outright refuse any suggestion that they go into rehab or counseling! What would you expect?
It's going to take drastic measures, courage, and persistence on your part. Otherwise, what you've described in your lengthy and highly-emotional post will only get worse...I mean really bad! Without any further delay, seek your own help and counseling! There is no getting around his having to check into rehab! He's not working at the moment, so there's no excuse.
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