A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have three children. The first two are in their early 20's and left home. My youngest is 11 and from a relationship with a man I have know for over 30 years.He is a great father to the children, but about 2 years ago I decided to stop all intimacy as I wanted more of a commitment as we were not living together or even speaking about marriage.My last words on the subject with him is the next time I become intimate with anyone will be on my wedding night. He has respected my wishes. This might sound strange but since I then he has never invited me down to where he lives. My children have been there but I have never been invited. I know where he lives. I do find this offensive and as a result, I do not let him into my home no more. When he comes round he stays at the front door.I really don't know what more to do. I have tried dating other men but I don't think I am ready emotionally and I still love this guy. Better the devil you know and all that.Any comments welcomed.Thanks
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2015): Thank you all for your comments. You have left me with food for thought.
I actually work as Air Cabin Crew in the UK and I am in the process of setting up my own training academy. I am a trained teacher. so I am very well occupied. my job does not allow to meet men at work.
I joined a singles club some years ago so plan to start going again.
This man has never ever invited me to his home for which I feel really offended. I stopped the relationship as he was making me feel used in turn was making me feel sick. I felt more in control once stopped sleeping with him.
He shares his house with three other women but I do not get the feeling that he is sleeping with them, however would not be surprised if he did have someone he uses for sex. I do not get the feeling he is seeing anyone due to the things he does and says to me and his children.
I have tried talking. Leaving it for him to make the move this time. But it may be tto late by the time he does that.
Thanks again.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2015): Perhaps he felt insulted by your declaration, and took it to heart. You describe this man and all his good attributes with love and respect. Essentially; you told him, sex was cut-off until you marry me. If he has been as good to you and your children as you say; I think he may have taken your convictions as an insult.
You had every right to withhold your body, and to let him know; you want and deserve a true and lasting commitment for your love and devotion. To tie the knot and share everything while you both grow old together. No one wants to be old and alone.
So he decided, "well fine!" "Have it your way; but I'm closing a door on you too!" Who's right and who's wrong?
There is no right or wrong. You both are within your personal rights to lay boundaries and establish your expectations.
Many single-divorced men at a certain age of maturity, often decide they want to take their independence and confirmed bachelorhood to the grave. They've made a certain number of commitments to women over the years, and they may have failed for one reason or another. Men often being the way we are, don't express our emotions as openly and direct as women do. Particularly men from the old-school of thought. They feel one good or bad marriage is enough. So, in their confirmed bachelorhood, they date, entertain, have sex, and appreciate the company of women. They have by this time, sworn-off ever enduring the restrictions and perceived burdens of matrimony.
Women on the other-hand, are prone to contractual-commitment. They want a ring and a contract to signify this is my man for life. He is my mate, and we share everything within the boundaries of matrimony, and no others will come between us for any reason. However; those commitments sometimes fail, and these trusting loving care-takers are damaged by some of the bad experiences they faced through these periods within a marriage.
During their single-lives, they face a series of messed-up relationships, unexpected pregnancies, bad choices in men-folk, and a host of insecurities over-take them. Yet, they never give-up searching for that right guy. They never give-up hope of finding that marriage they've always dreamed of. They know it exists; but the problem is, they haul their baggage around with them. They don't leave it behind. They have unchecked frailties and weaknesses. They have battle-scars from all their wrong choices. They find a man eventually, as you have, who has every attribute they ever wanted in a guy. From the moment he takes your heart, he's the one. The only problem is; if he can sense your baggage, he will run. He loves everything about you, but knows those things you've never dealt with that haunt you.
He's getting older and doesn't want a short-cut to the grave. In marriage, your burdens are his too.
If you read my responses to OP's, you know I look at both sides. Not just the side of the OP. The other party doesn't get to tell their side. So I speculate. Sometimes I hit the mark, and sometimes I miss. I try to be fair, provoke thought, and enhance understanding by broadening the picture.
Mature men have seen it all. We've been there and done that.
By the time a man hits fifty, if he is of sound-mind and good-health; and finds himself single again. He will be the hardest man you will ever find to rope into another marriage. He had to split his assets, fight over his children, and has been labeled everything in the book by his scorned ex-spouse. She is ever in the back of his mind, and a thorn in his side; especially if they share children. He will be very weary of taking on a new wife. His ex has left the indelible impression in his mind; that marriages go sour and they are hell to get out of. The confirmed bachelorhood isn't really set in stone, it's an excuse for the fear of women, and a lack of skills in dealing with commitments. These are mainly those guys who don't like to compromise, and are set in their ways. Relationships instantly go sour the minute a woman discovers he's this way. They are easy to pinpoint. They show little or no affection. They are charming through courtship, but turn cold down the road. As time passes, they get worse.
There are men who love being married. That's why some older men die soon after their wives pass on. They just give up.
There are others who marry again and again. Here's a little secret. These are men who like women who take care of them. They hate housework, don't cook, and just can't stand being in a house all by himself. He likes having a lady around doing housework and making him feel like the master of his castle. They end up divorcing again; because smart women figure him out. He'll just find another one.
When he decided to just let the children come to his home; this was a passive-aggressive ploy to shake you from your stance. If he can't move you, he'll move the earth beneath your feet. If you ask me, he's not as great as you think he is. He owed you at least an explanation of why he loves you; but he isn't considering marriage again. Assuming he has been married before. Unless he falls in that category of men, who are able to weasel his way into the lives of good women. They enjoy happy long-term relationships lasting for years, but the long journey shared together never leads to marriage. Even if they have kids! He gets to have his cake and eat too; but when things go sour, he can walk without losing a thing. That's his leverage. The threat he can walk after all the time she invested. That doesn't mean he's not a good man, he just swore off marriage; and what you've gotten is all he plans to offer.
Here's where we gay men and straight-women go wrong. Once you establish a man does not want a contractual-commitment; and doesn't feel you are the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with, start detaching your feelings. As hard and painful as that is, you have to do it. Not sit around suffering and praying he'd change his mind. If a guy can't visualize you in his future, and growing old together with you; you have to take it upon yourself to let him go, and move on. Standing in one place pining for him is a waste of time and energy.
You have to redirect your feelings, start loving yourself, and resume life in the pursuit of happiness. With, or without a man. You still have your children, and as long as you have your health and breath in you, there is always another opportunity to find love again. It happens for those of us who persevere, and don't put all our eggs in one basket.
I've learned a lot from life, and I had good parents as a foundation. I had a happy relationship for nearly 30 years, but he passed away. It was not perfect, but it was as good as one can get. I know love is always available for me, and no one man on this planet will make me feel he is all that I ever wanted and will ever get. Unforeseen things may happen. Like death or divorce. He is my one and only, if we stay together. If that isn't possible, I know there are millions still out there I can choose from. It might take time, or it may never happen. I don't know the future; so what reason would I have not to be optimistic?
You are a prize. He realizes it, but if he isn't willing to take on the challenge set before him. He hasn't won, you win by default. You gave it a go, and now you must reset your life; and move on setting your goal for someone better and willing to commit. He doesn't have the last say. He is replaceable.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2015): He was willing to enjoy the benefits of a sexual relationship without obligation or commitment as long as you were willing to provide them.
As that has now changed, he has adjusted his expectations accordingly. He is respecting your wishes on the assumption that you are serious about following through on your ultimatum.
I must say that if I were him then I'd be a little confused about your sudden hard-line stance because I'd tend to think that if a woman was really serious about commitment and marriage then she wouldn't have conceived an out-of-wedlock child with me a dozen years ago.
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A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (11 January 2015):
 I think he is playing a game of brinkmanship. hoping you will back down.
I agree with posters who have suggested you stand your ground. His actions are not showing much respect for your position and he feels entitled to hold his position as he thinks his view should prevail.
He has no intention of marrying you, at this point.
He never invites you to his place? Has he only excluded you more recently? Was there once a time when you spend a lot of time at his home?
He has fathered children with you. It's good that he's a good father, but what sort of respect message is he giving his children about his feelings for you, if you are excluded from visiting his home?
Does he perhaps see other ladies when he is not with you? Why does he keep his home so sacrosanct from you and yet clearly he has spent many hours at your home?
Have you told him how his actions make you feel?
I am glad that you told him what you expect and want. It is not a bad thing to do. Though ultimatums can backfire.
It would have taken courage to tell him what you wanted in the future. Perhaps he did not take you seriously and now he is just waiting out the situation.
Maybe he is not used to you asking for what you want and need.
His reaction is leaving you very unsettled, which is very understandable.
Low self esteem can cause you to be less assertive and less willing to put yourself forward. It can cause you to avoid social situations and remain more reticent about situations you don't feel good about.
If marriage is what you want then stand your ground.
I suggest that you visit your local Citizen's Advice Bureau (your flag says UK) and find out if there are any local free courses you could attend to improve your own self esteem and develop your skills to the point where you feel 100% certain about your right to ask for what you want and to do so in an assertive manner.
And if he still stays resolute then get yourself a new hair style, visit the local gym and sign up. Or go walking every day before breakfast. Explore whether there is a local community group you could join, either to learn a new skill, meet new people or do some volunteer work in the community. Meet some new people and amongst those people there may be a man who might want to settle down.
I once worked with a woman and who was intent on marriage and she was sick of men who only want to flirt but take it no further. She was a very attractive woman. So she changed her approach. It was a bit confronting but within 2 years she was happily married. If a man started to flirt with her she would look them in the eye and tell them, "I am not interested in games and time wasting. If you are serious and you want to settle down then come and talk to me if you are interested in settling down with me."
She was in her late 20s when there are more available guys who might want to settle down.
Older guys are more resistant so her approach would probably not work. Since an older guy is far more wary.
That is why I suggest that you join some local community groups and that way you can get to know a nice gentleman and find out more about him before dating him.
But if marriage is your aim do not waste your time with serial daters. Look for a reliable respectful guy who has already indicated that he does want to settle down. Guys DO indicate this by saying things like "feels so lonely..." and "it's not the same watching a film on one's own.." and "it's good to hear someone show appreciation for my cooking"
And if the father of your children sees you getting out and enjoying life he may seek to see you again.
Repeat your ultimatum. You have told him your standard. Now it is up to him to meet that standard. If he will not meet that standard then it is highly likely that another man can and will.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (11 January 2015):
 The problem with ultimatums is that we often don't get the desired result.
What we have here is an impasse. A situation where negotiations are at an end and there is no way forward, and no way back.
You told him what you want, he listened, and his actions since then are your answer. He isn't interested in marriage with you, he still loves the kids, they are still welcome in his life, but you have, through expressing your wants, removed yourself.
I think what you need to do is accept that your relationship with this man is over, and all that remains are those aspects you share via your children.
The only way to go forward with this man is for you to go backwards, back on your ultimatum, eat your words, and accept the crumbs he was offering, but remember, there is no guarantee those crumbs will still be available to you after a break of 2 years, he might have decided he does very well without you in his life, and that you are superfluous to his requirements.
Time to build yourself a life without the space for this man in it, change the way you do things, find new hobbies where you might meet new people, exploit the time you have available to you when the kids go to visit their dad/step dad.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (11 January 2015):
 Hey there. Well first of all, props to you for standing your ground for what you want. You know what you want and aren't willing to settle for less. That's great. Unfortunately, this man didn't want the same things as you. You let him know you wanted a husband and he let you know he wasn't looking to be that. He showed you that by backing way off. I know it's tough, but the only thing you can do now is exactly what you've been doing - just keeping your distance and trying to move on. Don't settle for anything less than you desire. He clearly isn't that man for you, or he wouldn't have backed off so much. Keep your head up. Take care and good luck.
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