A
female
age
41-50,
*ula1979
writes:My boyfriend and I have been dating for over a year. We have our rough times but love each other very much. We live in a small town, where we both grew up, and know each other's families. Years before I met/began dating him, I met his older brother through friends. We dated, briefly. My boyfriend knew this when we began dating. We knew it was a difficult issue to get past but I thought we had. After over a year of dating, he asks me the other night if me and his brother ever slept together. I was shocked at the question because we never discuss that part of my past. I could never lie to him so I answered him honestly that we had. I truly believed he had known or at least assumed this before but apparently I was wrong. He is struggling to deal with this. He says he can't look at me without thinking about that mistake. I have begged him to forgive me and understand it was something that happened years before we met and I have never hidden it from him. He keeps going back and forth on this - one minute saying he loves me so much and will have to get over it because he can't be without me and the next telling me he can't believe I would start a relationship with him after having been with his brother. I am so scared and helpless. There is nothing I feel I can do but hope and pray he can let it go and love me. Even though I feel there is nothing I can do, I hate feeling helpless. Please any advice on what I can do or even hearing other people's similar experiences would help. I am desperate and do not want to lose him. How can you make someone not feel disgusted with you? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2010): "...I truly believed he had known or at least assumed this before but apparently I was wrong.."
it is said assumptions are the mother of all Fups!
i think perhaps this "assumption" was deliberate on your part. having sex with your partners brother means that you have been initmate with both. you knew it, his brother knew it BUT NOT HIM. can you see the complete picture now. sleeping with your partners brother and not advising your partner is TOTAL NONDISCLOSURE on your part. deliberate or not, you messed up by not being honest from the start. you cannot blame your partner for feeling what he is right now. you withheld vital info. some men do not take others "seconds" ( sorry, not being crude, merely trying to show you the depth of this situation), your partner would have never invested in a relationshipw ith you if he had known from the start that you got down and dirty with his brother. i find is sad that you cannot comprehend why this is such a big deal for him. you lied by omission. be honest, if only to yourself.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2010): "...I truly believed he had known or at least assumed this before but apparently I was wrong.."
it is said assumptions are the mother of all Fups!
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A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (16 July 2010):
 Good luck, and I really hope your boyfriend gets over this. I think it is unfair for your boyfriend to blame you, he knew about your relationship with his brother, so he shouldn't point his finger at you, because him too could have avoided this relationship from blooming, as soon as he found out you dated his brother. Don't feel guilty and let him work through this, because you did not lie nor cheat.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2010): Men are just not designed to be okay with their woman having slept with other men very close by. Reasoning won't fix it, being secure that you are faithful won't fix it, nothing will fix it except it never happening in the first place. He is fighting involuntary emotions, not logical thinking.
Sorry, but I think this relationship was doomed from the start after you had dated his older brother. I don't blame you and I don't really even blame him.
Who knows what his brother led him to think about your sexual history with him at various times? Who knows if your current BF was led to think nothing sexual happened with his brother because of some offhand comment years ago? He might have been censoring the story just because your parents were in the room or something. There's no telling how many ways he might have been led to think the wrong thing.
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A
female
reader, Lula1979 +, writes (15 July 2010):
Lula1979 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for the feedback. I really appreciate it. I truly sympathize with him and hate this for him. I really thought he knew about it before we started dating. I really can't emphasize enough how small of a town we live in. I do not nor have I ever slept around. I have not and would never cheat on him. He is a very prideful person and I hope our love is stronger than his pride.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2010): Well, he has a point. Only very few people would sleep with one brother then find it acceptable to sleep with the other.
Even though he knew you dated he didnt know you two had sex, so its not fair on him to have to find out a year or so later.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (15 July 2010):
 This is something he must deal with. You didn't make a mistake. It's just a part of your past. Now, if you cheated on him with his brother... that is different. That would be a mistake. But don't blame yourself or feel guilty for anything because you didn't know back then.
Don't apologize. You've given him no reason to not trust you. If anything, it sounds like he's got issues of his own with his brother. He's probably more worried about his brother being able to say "I slept with your girlfriend" or "I slept with your wife.".
If he truly loves you then he should be able to get over that.
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