A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I should never have married my husband. I never wanted to get married, but I cared a great deal about my husband and was very much in love with him, so when he asked I said yes since getting married seemed to be so important to him.I ignored the nagging doubts in my head when we planned to be married because I thought that everything would be fine. For the last two years my husband has been in a deep depressive funk. He's never happy, never wants to do anything, never has any zest or vim for life at all. He warned me when we got married that I'd never seen him at his worse. I didn't think that his worse would last for two years. I'm still young but I feel like the rest of my life is slipping away from me. I can't live the rest of my life with this constant unhappiness, someone who constantly pulls me down.I don't know what to do. My husband doesn't have any friends, and he constantly holds me up as the ONLY good thing in his life. I know that if I ever left he would be completely devastated. I am the first real relationship my husband has ever had so it makes things even worse.I feel completely trapped but I want out so badly. I see other people in happy new relationships and I feel so envious. I love my husband, and I care about him, but it's killing who I am to stay with him. I want to go places, I want to meet people, I want to do things, I like spending time with friends. He becomes glum and sad anytime I want to do anything without him, but whenever he comes along he finds something to complain about and ruin the fun. We do nothing but sit on the couch together every night and he calls this, "spending time together". I don't want the rest of my life to be nothing but this, but I'm terrified of hurting him. I don't know what to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2010): "He doesn't believe in medicine to fix things that are wrong with your mind. He feels that any drug that makes him feel happier would be creating a false experience and going against who he really is."
That is a major problem, but I don't know how to get him to change his mind on this. It is like certain religious sects not allowing life saving medicine. So if he had cancer, he wouldn't want surgery or chemo to save his life? If he is fine with medicine to save him from cancer, then he needs to understand that this depression is a cancer of sorts. It is a cancer of happiness of life, both his and yours.
So he is so depressed that he doesn't even want to be happy. He really needs to see a psychiatrist and a doctor who understands all of the various hormones. There is one psychiatrist in California who believes that most psychiatric problems are a result of hormone problems. He is a psychiatrist who is also an internal medicine doctor and specializes in hormone problems.
Depression can be caused by many things. The one that I am personally familiar with is low testosterone and an imbalance of hormones in men. This is also true for women. My testosterone level started to drop and I got very depressed. I also started to have ED and a low sex drive. I have been on testosterone supplementation for about 20 months now and feel much better. It took about a year to get everything right. Depression gone, ED gone most of the time and my wife has threatened to hide my testosterone if my sex drive gets any higher. My strength also was dropping and it is now back up to where it was 5 years ago. I'm not talking about using very high doses of testosterone like some athletes do. I'm talking about a low amount just to bring the level up to what it would be in a normal man of that age.
Do any of the symptoms that I just mentioned sound familiar with your husband? If so then it might be his hormones. Low testosterone in men is also correlated with a higher risk of heart disease and some other things. This is just one of the things that I am familiar with. There are other things that could be wrong with your husband that I am not knowledgeable about. He needs to see a doctor.
Other than this advice, I'm at a loss of other suggestions that have not already been mentioned.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOne big problem is that my husband really doesn't like going out, and he doesn't want to, nor does he try to make new friends. People irritate him, I'm the only person that he likes. He tells me this regularly. He doesn't like going to movies because the people around irritate him. Even going to our favorite restaurant isn't always good because he get bothered by the people around us, even just driving somewhere it's a steady stream of negativity as he complains about other drivers.
If I could just go out and have fun on my own things wouldn't be so bad, but apart from never wanting to do anything, he also resents whenever I go anywhere without him. Once in a blue moon I will be invited to and accept a girls' night thing, and he moans and groans the whole time about how he's going to "be alone all night", and how he's going to miss me, and how he's going to worry that I'm not going to be safe. If I stay at home with him constantly I'm miserable, but if I go out without him he guilt trips me. Heaven forbid I get invited to anything that is overnight, that's the end of the world to him.
He saw a therapist for only a few visits and decided that it wasn't helping and stopped. He doesn't believe in medicine to fix things that are wrong with your mind. He feels that any drug that makes him feel happier would be creating a false experience and going against who he really is.
I need to have a serious talk with him about this but I am dreading it as I feel that it's only going to push him into an even deeper depression.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2010): Try going out just the two of you. Tell him it's really important to you. Not when he is depressed but when he seems like he is in a good mood.
Catch a movie, go out to dinner, take walks, and start by doing things he likes. Sporting events, etc. Then tell him it's your turn.
But build a solid relationship you and him. He probably complains because he just sits there and is quiet whenever you all do go out.
If nothing else works, tell him how you feel. It's better you explain it to him in a loving manner. Maybe a letter? If he loves you he will understand. But try the above first.
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male
reader, joe11125 +, writes (12 January 2010):
try talking to him about how you feel or maybe try to cheer him up give him a present or something.one thing you could also do is introduce him to people so he can get some friends give it some time it should work out eventuly
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2010): Have you tried getting him to a dr. for a good physical and check his chemical levels for imbalance ??? His "happy" might not be working properly. Or, he may have depression problems.
If he flat refuses,, your options are pretty limited. If you do give him an ultimatum,, you will have to follow through with it. Otherwise he'll always know and count on you NOT leaving,, and you will feel cheated and more bitter as life goes on.
Being depressed over time is not a crime, but refusing to do anything to figure out what is wrong is. He knows something's wrong but kinda sounds like he really doesn't want to fix it...
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (12 January 2010):
 Why not suggest counseling for him? He obviously needs help. Talk to him about how you feel. It's not fair to stay in a marriage simply because you're worried you'll depress him more. If he refuses counseling even after you talk to him about the problems his depression is causing, I doubt there's much you can do to help him and will need to get on with your life. However, if he does agree to go to counseling and take it seriously, it will be a long road. I encourage you to go out with friends a lot. Organize girls' nights to go out to eat, go dancing, hang out with people, etc... Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2010): Omigorsh if you don't pull the plug, you're gonna end up wasting about 20 years of your life like I did and then it'll be way worse! Instead of dealing with my marriage, which was alot like your, I went out with my friends, I did what I wanted to do as far as attending theater shows, movies, plays with my friends. I thought it was kinda cool that I had so much freedom but eventually it got harder and harder to go home to someone I didn't have anything in common with and who kind of bummed me out. I tried to throw myself into my career and for a long time that worked out pretty well. I had a stressful job, so it didn't leave much energy for planning a divorce. When the company I worked for downsized I lost my job and suddenly I had to face the truth about my life and my marriage. I moved out of our home and now I am finally filing for divorce but it has been so hard because he keeps telling me I'm throwing away a 20 year marriage. Believe me it would've been alot easier if I would've done this years ago. Best of luck to you.
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female
reader, Holli'  +, writes (12 January 2010):
 It seems your husbands behavior is having a major impact on your life, I'll help you get through this rough patch. You arn't the only one who has had this problem, I want you to try hard to get your husband and yourself out having fun even if it's just once every couple of weeks. There are steps to do this in, and you should find as you and your husband start reliving the earlier funner days you used to have together, both of your lives will be better, also when you go out don't hang back, chat to rahandom people and make friends, then the next time you want to go out with your friends, your husband will havehis own friends to invite over or go out with.
First of all, I want you to talk to him, ask him questions about his feelings, and his veiw on certain aspects of your lives together.
If he wants your advice on something and your unsure what to say to him you can e-mail me and I will help. The first step is to get to the route of the problem what is effecting his mood, go out for a meal, just the two of you, it is so easy to talk to someone when your out and about, he'll discover a side he never realized he had, and you'll be in a happy relationship.
You can e-mail me at
[email address blocked]
best of luck, so just talk to him one on one so you can fully understand how he feels. Hope this helped.
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