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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I'm truly stuck right now. I haven't handled myself well in the last year and I am scared to see how far I can go. I was doing pretty well for myself last year and then met a guy. We broke it off a half year into the relationship and he said and did some very hurtful things. I went out of my way not to cause problems with him, and to try to not be selfish with him. He translated my approach in a very negative way, and felt that I therefore deserved to be treated like sh^t. He told me awful things about myself near the time that I left him, some of which were true (nothing wrong with truth), but some of which were more projections than truth. In the last few months I also have restarted a relationship with my somewhat estranged father, but nothing's changed and I almost can't see a point in keeping up with him because he and I haven't figured out how to be of use to one another. He always says he'll call me, but then he doesn't. I used to call him because I knew that would be the only way to actually keep in touch, but now I've pretty much given up on him (again).I've built this construct in my mind that's keeping me from just starting the F over. The first part of the pyramid is my ex treating me horribly, and some of the worst things he said to me which play in my head like a record. The second is that my father almost seems ashamed of me, no matter what. The third is that I'm nearing the 30's decade of my life, and though at one time I felt I was ready, I now doubt if I'll ever have children or even get married. I have been in four serious relationships, but I don't know if I'll ever date again now that I realize what a Jabba the Hut/Ostrich-with-its-head-in-the-sand I can be when I feel really scared. It's not social status I want to keep up with, in wanting a relationship and kids. It's just that for most of my life I wanted a family of my own. Life doesn't make much sense without one, to me at least. So, that's the third part of this construct that's holding me back--that I don't even know if I can now be selfless enough to have a child and I feel like I can't curb my doubts and feel more trust in order to actually live with peace within a marriage. Each relationship I've had I've learned from, but I've also learned I can't count on anything, and I don't know how to make that lack of faith into something positive. I don't know how to give my all while also realizing that it probably won't exist 1 to 10 years down the road. I just see myself screwing up, or myself being left. I see myself failing my kids. I feel doomed. I've let myself go this past year. Usually I'm conscientious about my actions and how they effect my future. Now, I'm living day to day, but not in a good way at all. I'm living every day like it's my last in a way. I feel like if I pick myself up and try again, I will only meet other people who I will make the mistake of listening to (getting them stuck in my head), even when it doesn't help me get along and survive. I want to learn how to be a better person, but I don't know how to let go of the memories and feelings of very negative past interactions. I wake up every day saying this is a new day, yay! And then when I try to live for myself like I used to, I just hear my exes voice screaming at me for me basically living for myself (he would get mad over tiny things that didn't matter, like when I'd go grocery shopping, to big things like my life plans. He even got mad at me because I enjoyed 'doing things' outside of the house basically (with or without him).) I forgive him for it and we are friends now, and he's not the same person, and he's apologized to me for the past, but the old him just f's with my head like a bad case of OCD. I think it's partly because I respected something in him and loved him, so why shouldn't I believe him about myself and change myself according to his vision of how I should be or what I should do? Or, I picture my dad just looking at me like I'm a limbless beggar sitting in a nest of my own feces or something like that. I think of how I have some days that go completely against my logic, because I know it's just a very long ago past leaking into my present perceptions, but I feel like anyone who looks at me is thinking bad thoughts about me, and making fun of me in their mind. I've been told I'm anything from beautiful to cute, but some days, I just feel like I look or seem too funny to be something a guy would want to keep and be relatively faithful to indefinitely, or there's just something about me that people hate/are amused by, especially if they've never really talked to me before. I know that the majority of the time this is my imagination, and I try to shrug it off. It comes up when I'm not feeling confident at all. I feel stuck and buried under all of this. It's all in my head, but the things in the past have effected me, and I don't know why I can't just forget and actually start a day over the right way any more, despite my fears. I don't know how to actually believe/hope/have faith enough to get out any more. If you actually read all of this, thanks and sorry it's so long and whiny. I am venting, but I would like to hear others' input. Thank you.
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male
reader, RAINORFIRE  +, writes (27 January 2010):
 Wow this reads like the headlines from haiti full of hopelessness fear and dispare. I think you should see a professional, there may be some underlying reason your holding on to all this stuff.
Its interesting you mention not having a good relationship with your dad in my experience girls who have bad relationships with there dads tend to have alot of issues and dont make the best GF or wife material.
At any rate your not a kid any more your an adult you need to take control of your life, I dropped my Ipod the other say and i was pissed when i saw the screen had shattered and all and it didnt work but then i was watching the news and after about five minutes things really got into perspective.
my point is as bad as you think life is going for you with all your many problems if you cant find any other bright spot atleast be happy with the knowledge of knowing things could be so much worst.
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