A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I recently discovered a 4 month (daily phone/text) relationship my husband of 11 years has been having with a mutual friend. My question at this point is how can I see this other person the same when I now know there has been, what I feel, is an inappropriate relationship with my husband?Back story – Our mutual friend, I’ll call her Ms. A, is my neighbors x-girlfriend and I have know her for about 3 years. She used to live with my neighbor until she moved back last year or so to be with her new boyfriend on the West Coast. She came back this past summer when she took hiatus from her on again/off again boyfriend back West. She was always interesting to hang around with and seemed to get cooler over time. This past May, she worked with my husband on a job for 2 weeks out of town. She needed the money and we needed her help. They drove to the work site which was 4 hours away and stayed in the same hotel room during their 2 week stay. I had no problem with this arrangement. I trust my husband completely.Speed to July and one incident stands out in my memory vividly. My husband and I spent the evening with a group of neighbors and friends, including our mutual friend Ms A. At about 2am I decided to go in and then waited for my husband to follow which to my surprise he did not. We have an extremely trusting relationship and really would have not thought about this one way or another, however, b/c my husband had been spending hours with Ms.A I felt uncomfortable with the situation. They were playing video games for a couple hours and sitting next to each other extremely close. I understand that video games can take hours to get through a game, but did feel like they were a bit too comfortable for too long. (Side note: we were all drinking.) I went back in and joined them a few times with not much response. At the time, I remember people going home/to bed, it was late, and I was left with a couple people who did not know us too well. Part of me felt like they were wondering what kind of marriage we had. Later that night I confronted my husband who said that yes, it did look bad but really “it was nothing”. Since this incident, we were together randomly until summer ended but b/c of this incident I had a hard time seeing her as anything but the potential other woman. After summer Ms. A moved back to the West Coast which was where she was prior to the summer. My husband reassured me that again they were just friends and she was moving so it wouldn’t be an issue. We left it at that.About 10 days ago I was going over our business cell phone bill due to an overcharge from text messages. I dug deeper and found that since June 14th Ms. A and my husband text/spoke to each other everyday except for 3. Sometimes there were up to 35 messages a day throughout the day. It was almost like he spoke to her as much as he spoke to me and we sometimes talk a lot. I tried to not be upset and also since it was his birthday that day, I tried to not bring this up to him so soon after I saw the cell bills, however, could not help but ask him directly. Like I said before, we are very open about how we feel and talk about everything. Of course, since I had days to think about their relationship I was burning inside. I felt so betrayed from him. I had no idea he was still talking to her and if it was only here or there that would have been just annoying….it was everyday for the past 3 ½ months. First, I asked him if there was something he wanted to share with me. He knew that I was looking into our cell phone bill and knew I would see all the detail. I had printed the pages and pages out to show him how incriminating it looked. He reassured me back a few months ago that she was moving and I wouldn’t have to think of her anymore. Also, side note: his guilt came through over and over again when he had been drinking he would say things and every time a show having to do w/infidelity came on he always had something to say. I dismissed these initially since I really didn’t think he was having an affair.Since we talk about everything and also since he feels bad about it, he has been very open about what had happened. First off, I do not think it was a physical relationship. I do think that their relationship grew deeper during their May job and that when she was in town there may have been some minor flirting but not to the point where someone would think that he was cheating. She was friendly with me as well but now that I look back that may have been a way to get closer to him or maybe she’s bi. I could read it a hundred different ways. I have yet to speak to her and really at this point I don’t believe that they are an item. I do think that he liked her attention and had, for a minute, entertained the idea of sleeping with her but really, he’s a man that comes with the territory. He has admitted that he does see my side. It does look bad and if he were to “catch” me in an exact scenario he would freak out and do a ton more than what I have done. He stressed that it is not what it looks like. She’s a text-er and that is what they do. In his words “it was fizzling out”. I really don’t believe I would have a problem with her communication if it wasn’t for the vibe I received over the summer and if it wasn’t everyday for almost 4 months. I truthfully feel like her relationship choices are bad and self-destructing and do not 100% trust her intentions. Also, his guilty feelings kept coming through when I wasn’t looking for them. Now, today he asked me how I’m going to feel if when she comes back to town (her family is from our town). How am I going to react to her and how I would feel if she hangs out with us again. Is he crazy??? I realize that it’s not exactly like they were sleeping together but really, am I supposed to feel like nothing happened when we both agree that there was an inappropriate relationship that went on behind my back? I feel betrayed and am appalled that he is even worried about how this is going to affect Ms. A. She has got to know that I was going to say something. This is my husband of 11 years, we have children, a business, a life built together. Did she think I was going to be okay with this type of relationship?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (17 October 2008):
 I think when Mrs. A. comes back into town, you both need to keep your distance from her. There is no reason you need her "friendship" anymore and I think she will completely understand why. Good luck.
A
female
reader, lrichier +, writes (17 October 2008):
Please tell your husband that its not right and to stop having anything to do with her. My husband and neighbor did the same thing i was told they were just friends. Well it went farther than that and destoyed 2 marriages. We are back together now but it is hard.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry - to make this so long (again)...Okay, let me respond with, she wasn't random and they did come home in the middle of the trip. I hadn't thought about the whole orgasm thing and assume if he did need to orgasm on a daily basis that he would have done it in the shower just as he would have at home. Like I mentioned before, we have children, we know how to be quiet and discreet be it together or alone.As for asking, yes, I did ask him directly if he slept with her and he told me that he did not and would not do anything to jeopardize our relationship. As for the jealousy, yes I have been jealous here or there I'm sure, however, feel that being jealous is a waste of time. We are a very social and happy couple and if we got jealous every time someone seemed to favor one of us we would spend most of our time fighting rather than living. Life is really too short. Also, the job they were on was our job. It was a big account with high stress. We had 12 other people at this site working for us and my husband had other things on his mind than sex. Sometimes when 2 people share a hotel room that is all they are doing. The work was high stress and really I know from speaking with him everyday that there was no room for extra curricular activities. I do however, feel that their friendship may have grown more on a personal level which is why now I am learning about it. I was furious about not knowing and since it was brought out, have spoken to him in depth about what happened, how I feel, what I expect, how we should go from here. At this point feel on the grand scale of things it is nothing to tear up a marriage over. He was wrong, he admits it and now we are going through the motions to fix it. After speaking with him extensively on this I believe I have made him aware that we both have similar thoughts and should next time if something of this nature were to come up again from either side we should talk rather than act.The only reason I think I'm here on this site is that I really do not want any of my family or friends to share with me their opinions and from this point on see him in a negative way. Yes, he messed up but really I don't think it's irreparable. We all make mistakes and hopefully learn from every one of them.Thanks for you input and thanks for letting me vent. I really think this was exactly what I needed.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2008): I can't tell, are you more angry over the texting than the fact that your husband shared a hotel room with some random woman for 2 weeks? WHAT? 0_0
Do you not want to come to terms with the fact that your husband may have cheated on you? Everything you have said leads me to believe that your husband cheated on you with this slut. Omg - you need to ask him this directly, "Did you have sex with that woman?" Or have you already?
I know you have a very "trusting" relationship, but damn, don't you get jealous? He was sleeping in the bed next to her! Or who knows... Omg. It makes me angry to even think about it.
Do you really think that for 2 weeks your husband did not orgasm? You should know how horny men are. How could he take care of business with her there? Unless she was included?
This is a bad situation. I don't think you should stand around wondering, you need to find out.
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