A
male
age
36-40,
*amieJacobs
writes:Please help I am so hurt and confused I really need some positive advice.I met this guy 2 weeks ago, at first I really didn't hold any hope that anything would become of it. We met in a park and went back to his place. At first it was intended as a casual meeting but we talked and talked and talked for 6 hours. It was unbelieveable, the chemistry felt amazing. From my impression and what I can judge he is the most intellient, kind, mature, beautiful guy I have ever met. We talked for hours lying on his bed about our families, what we wanted from our lives, how we had both been hurt in the past, our studies, we had so much in common, went to the same University, loved the theatre and the arts. He said the most touching things to me, he said I had such a big heart and was a beautiful person inside and out. He said he was absolutley blown away by how he felt and thought it was the strangest thing ever how he was laying on his bed with someone he had met 6 hours ago. He said he felt so relaxed and safe with me and that he had never felt this way about anyone so soon and that he had not even told some of his closest friends things he had told me. Some may say this was all talk to get me into bed but I felt just the same and was completely sincere and know I meant it and had no motive for it. We kissed and held one another during the whole time and it was just the most lovely experience I have ever had. I left as he was going to the theatre with his friends. We text for a week afterwards in which he would always reply within an hour or so. He said he was so excited to meet again, could not wait to see me, missed seeing me. He did also say on texts as he did in person he was under an enormous ammount of stress and pressure as he was doing his masters at University and had 3 weeks to go before he had to hand in his disseration, by 1st sept 11. He also had an active social life with friends and his parents were wanting to come and visit for a few days from spain. After a few delays in meeting due to his busy scheduele we met again a week later. We went to Starbucks and he insisted on paying for our drinks. Another act of the gentleman he was. He said how lovely my accent was an touched me on the arm in a caring and gentle way. We went to the park and sat and had our drinks and chatted in general more. He then said shall we go for a walk or do you want to come back to mine for a bit (it was just around the corner from the park we were in). I said no lets chat more at yours, but he gave the option if I wanted to go around and was not pushy or trying to lure me there. Again we talked and talked and we laughed so hard, talked deeply again following on from previous conversations and life, what we had been doing and about how we felt for each other. He said he didn't want to make it into this huge pressure by texting and contacting one another each day, but then he said he just wanted to be with me all the time and thought why the hell not and that he should just say exactly how he felt. He was clearly very attracted to me and said how sexually excited I got him when we were together. We said in general conversation though no plans were made that we would do something together at the weekend, perhaps a day trip or just a meeting but no plans were made. I left and went home and a 2 hours later he texts me very sweetly saying he missed me with a sad face. He said he was so so looking forward to our next meeting. He later jokingly text me saying oh no! I can't get back to doing my work as my pillow smells of your aftershave and he could not concentrate. I text back saying he could fall asleep thinking of me. He said he hoped soon enough he could fall asleep in my arms. Though the messages might have been a bit soppy I loved them and they were acts of a kind, lovely guy who was thinking about me. This was on the Monday evening, Tuesday went by and neither of us text and I made a concious effort not to as I wanted at least a day without texting, it was not needed. On the Wednesday lunch I sent him a text saying, 'Hey how are you today x'. Wednesday and Thursday went by and I got no reply. I then rang him once about 10pm on the Thursday night and the phone just rang out, no answering machine came on or I would have left a voicemail. I sent a second text saying, hello I hope you are okay? I tried calling you but maybe you were away, call me back if you like. Do you still want to do something at the weekend?' I got no reply that eve though it was late and it was viable he could have been in bed. Friday went by and I got no reply again. By this point I was driving myself mad thinking of all the possibilities as to why he had not replied. Because I feel so strongly about him and he means so much to me I cannot help but wonder what has happened. It seems so out of charachter to have heard nothing. I lay in bed in the dark feeling terribly hurt, but hurting due to an assumption he hated me though nothing other than silence has given me firm ground to believe this to be the case. I have thought of all number of possibilities, he has lost or had his phone stolen, something has happened in his family and my calls and messages are just not important as this time, he is incredibly busy and has overlooked them, he has met someone else, he has over night gone off me, or he is really scared about how he feels and does not know how to deal with these feelings/emotions he has for me and is trying to shut me out, or distance himself from me. I know for you readers its hard to be sure, I am the only one to have met him and I am quite a good judge of character. I simply cannot believe this guy would have made all this up, been so nasty and schemeing to have said all this to me just to get me into bed. He could easily have picked anyone up for that I am nothing special. But this silence now is so unexpected and well, odd and strange to say the least. He does not strike me as the sort of person who would find it hard to text and say, sorry im not interested or lets be friends. If he did want to be friends then I could also accept that. I am growing very worried as for all I know something terrible could have happened though I know it is unlikely. I am certain he does really like me but maybe has so much work on he can't handle this and is pushing me away or keeping me at a distance. Though maybe I want to think this and hold onto some hope he is feeling just as I am. It just seems very odd that in a few days since a great date and a lovely set of follow up messages that he would have met someone else or suddenly thought oh no I don't like this guy and am going to ignore him. To not even have the decency to tell him how I feel or let him know I am okay. Last night I decided to go around to his flat to see if he was okay. I tossed and turned wondering if this was a good idea, would it seem stalkerish or pushy, but still it was a viable option to say I was passing by, was concerned and wanted to know he was okay, I had been there twice before. But I could not get into the complex as the night security was on so just went home. It is now Saturday morning, 5 days since I last saw or heard from him. I am terribly upset readers, I am a very genuine, loving, sensitive, kind and thoughtful person and you meet few people like this in my experience. But this guy was like this in so many ways from the impression I formed. What do you think from reading what I have said might be the case here? And what should I do? On one hand I really want to fight for him because he made me so happy from the dates we went on and I am not one to give up. But on the other hand I feel the ball is now in his court and I don't want to seem pushy or needy by going around or sending further messages. To conclude however I know me and I know I won't be able to move off from this just not knowing and taking silence as a no thank you goodbye because it makes no sense. I am aware there are people who behave like this and have no guts or compassion to tell another person that there not interested, but really I really do not think this is the case here, to say all he did and do all he did it just seems so out of character and very strange. Please help me, I am 24 years old and male, so is this guy. I really want the best advice you can give me to give this any chance of success. Thank you and god bless.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2011): I am so sorry to hear about this. I have been going through the same thing, and i am also heartbroken. Would you mind if i send you a private message telling you about my situation, and we could discuss your problem further too ?. I think sometimes it helps to talk to someone who has been through the same kind of thing.
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (6 August 2011):
 I think you experienced a "flameout" meaning this guy loves the "boyfriend" experience. He wanted the feel of intimacy without putting the time in to cultivating true intimacy.
Think about this for a second and get past the flowery words he spoke. He got you into bed after 6 hours of meeting. He said all of these wonderful things about you, but if you really give it thought and ignore the ego boost, should he have really known these things about you after only 6 hours? Not likely.
Then the "flameout" started. Both of you high powered texting each other. Him telling you he missed you hours after being together. Trust me -- his paying for your drinks (all of $10) is not swoonworthy. It got you back into bed with him.
The telltale was his telling you all of a sudden how busy he was, how you didn't need to text every day, and then his disappearance. He got you into bed lightning fast. You cannot be an excellent judge of character unless you take the time to get to know someone. It is a counterfeit to accept flattery (aka "you're a beautiful person") as a judge of character.
Bottom line -- he wanted sex with the boyfriend experience. You wanted a relationship, and when you texted him with all of the "get to know you" overtures, he backed off (aka "We don't need to text all the time") and then eventually disappeared.
I say back off from contacting him. If he's simply busy like he said, he knows how to contact you. If he doesn't, then it's not meant to be, and it's a lesson learned about judging character.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2011): If you really want to get this sorted out then you could go round to his flat again when you know he will be in but be prepared for a rebuff. He does owe you at least a word to explain going cold on you. There may be a good reason but he has not given it to you, leaving you in the distressing situation of unanswered texts and calls. I'm afraid he may have been playing with your affections - it happens. Prepare yourself you disappointment, maybe you laid your cards on the table too soon and frightned him off. Who knows.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (6 August 2011):
 you sound like a lovely person and i hope this guy was genuine, but from what you say here he may have done a 360. i am not clear, did you sleep with him or did he try it on but not get what what he wanted? to ignore your calls and texts after being so full on with you at first is very cruel. you need to study this subject 'emotional predators' - their effects can be devastating, and you need to be educated to avoid falling for their charms in the future.
a good book to read is 'how to spot a dangerous man before you get involved' by sandra L brown. only he knows why he is blanking you like this at the moment. he might contact you, but i am sure that after he has shown you how he can behave a little bit of the magic will be lost for you and you might have a hard time trusting him. don't be used by him. judge him on his actions NOT HIS WORDS. if he doesn't come back, make your own closure and you WILL get over this in time and believe it or not you will be stronger for learning the lesson.
never let a person rush you along. to be swept off your feet is a dangerous position to allow your self to be put in by someone. take things slow. do not be too eager to feel that sense of 'connection' until you are as sure as you can be that they feel it too.
it is a pity, i want as much as you do to be able to express our feelings and surrender without having to guard ourselves but unfortunately we need to protect ourselves coz there are a lot of unscrupulous people in the world
x
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