A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:First, thank you for reading. This has been hard for me so far and I appreciate any advice.I am 26 and have been dating a 34 year old with a 5-year-old daughter for just shy of a year. She was married and got divorced about a year before we got together. I was not the first guy she dated after her marriage, but I was her first serious relationship.Like many relationships things started great. At the beginning, we kept the relationship between her and I. (She did not want her daughter to get connected to me and then not have things work out, which I completely understood and agreed with at first.) As time went on, our relationship grew, and so did my role. We moved from doing things with just her and I, to including her daughter. In short, the three of us began to spend more time together. Eventually, she told me she loved me, and I reciprocated (this was at about the 7 month point). Things were great and I could feel that we had/have a strong connection. I have been in serious relationships before, but this is the first time that I thought marriage was a real possibility.As our relationship grew and we became more affectionate and reliant on one another something changed. Even after she told me she loved me, she did not explain my role in her life to her daughter. It wasn't that she would hide me--the three of us did plenty of things together--but, her daughter saw my role as a friend, not a boyfriend.Over the next couple of months things began to get rocky. I started to become needy, and I am not normally a needy person. In my past relationships I was the opposite of needy and I think that my complacency was a large reason for their demise. Like most mothers her daughter came first--which of course I had no problem with. What I did not like was that she did not explain my role to her daughter--she never told her that I was her boyfriend. I felt like she constantly had her guard up and was protecting her daughter from our relationship. I couldn't help but think that was she preparing her daughter for our inevitable demise.It's not that I think her daughter needed to know I was dating her mom, but I do think it was a sign that her guard was up. She never fully let me into the most important part of her life. I could constantly feel her guard. It felt like she thought an end was inevitable because she was so protective of her daughter's feelings. I believe her guard constantly being up was a large part of the reason I became so needy. I think I over compensated and started to push her away by calling, texting, and even spending too much time with them. I did not give her enough space, but I was constantly thinking about how her guard was up and needed to know she cared--which drove me to be needy.About a month ago, she mentioned that something in our relationship wasn't right. She still told me she loved me that she felt our strong connection, but something was amiss. She basically told me I was being needy, and I told her that her guard was up (but not that I really thought she needed to tell her daughter about me for HER to accept me fully into her life). We never fought. We communicated well and tried to right the ship. Things would feel better and then get worse.Finally, today she told me things still didn't feel right and that this needed to end. She said that she loved me and just wasn't sure if she was in a place in her life where she could be in a serious relationship. She said that if/when she wants to be with someone she wants it to be me. She even said "I feel like I am in a dark tunnel right now and you are the light at the end of it." What I took from the conversation we had today was that she does not want to be with anyone, but if she did, it would be me, and I do believe her (not sure if I should).We agreed to take a break as a couple. We decided that in 4 weeks we would get together for a drink or supper and discuss how things have been. We mutually decided not to see other people during our break. We didn't come up with any rules about how much contact to have with one another, but I decided that I would not contact her for the duration of the break (if I can hold out).I know she is stressed about many things. She is a single mom, who loves here daughter who just started Kindergarten and has a lot on her plate. She is so busy with work and her daughter that I think she was feeling stretched. I am sure the stress of our relationship didn't help her already stressful life.She tells me she loves me; she tells me that if she would want to be with someone it would be me; my questions is do I really have a chance of getting back together with her or is the "break" just her nice way of ending us?
View related questions:
a break, divorce, shy, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2012): OP if she was ending this she would have ended it, you should know now even by the things you said in your post she's a single mom and wouldn't drag something out if it needed to end.
OP my tone will be harsh and unforgiving, so be warned, I won't sugar coat what I say but please understand I do so with a point and that's not to offend or upset you, and definitely not to belittle you.
She's not guaranteed to come back to you because frankly she has one child to mother and she shouldn't have to mother you, which is what you've been forcing her to do. It's like sibling rivalry OP and you're jealous of her kid, so you want her to mark herself as your territory with that kid as a sign of commitment. No offence OP but wtf?
I had long term relationships, dated a few single mothers and was raised by one, I know all the angles except hers, you know the worst kind of man is the kind you've become, a truly great guy in all ways except he can't handle the fact she has a kid. Literally can't get your head around the fact that you don't have to be anything to that child except a friend. You're dating her mother, not her and she's just a wonderful bonus. You need a defined "role", you need that little bitch to know that her mommy is yours now and there's a new leader of the pack, is that it? because that's exactly how this sounds.
She's not your rival, not your daughter she's this woman's child that you let her decide what is and isn't happening and you take a back seat and make no demands whatsoever. Look I know that's not how you feel you're being and that's not your intention but my harsh words have a point to them, how can your neediness not be perceived as a form of immature jealousy? A kind of sibling rivalry? You need her to explain to a 5 year old that you're her boyfriend? What do you aim to achieve by that, why is that important? 5 year olds have no concept of romantic relationships, they have no abstract notion of the difference between that and a friend.
Yet the fact she won't define your relationship to a little girl who is more interested in ice cream and playing, kills you inside and makes you think she's not serious about you?
One of my exes a truly lovely woman and a great mother had a kid the same age when we started going out. In the two years we were together I was always just that kids friend. I had no role, no responsibility how could I? Why would I need that? I was her boyfriend, it only mattered what she thought, the fact she was with me and how we were together was all the proof I needed that I was hers. Guess what my role was? That's right, I was "cerberus" mammy's fun friend who took us places, bought me sweets and presents, and got me jack the teddy that I thought was the coolest thing ever for months. That's it, nothing else, why should there be anything else? It was the easiest role you can imagine, be nice to the kid, treat her well and play games and stay out of any serious things and always have the phrase "oh you'll have to ask your mother that" at the ready.
You know what I don't get it this, how a grown man your age can expect any mother ever to put her guard down when it comes to her own child. A good mother never does that, they never stop worrying about their children, they never stop contemplating their child's life and what's best for them. That's nothing at all to do with her relationship with you. Nothing. It doesn't say she's holding back from you, it says she's being a god damn mother OP. That child does not define your relationship with the mother. To you she's largely irrelevant in the grand scheme of this relationship, how can you mistake a mothers natural instinct to protect as her being closed off to you? She will never let her guard down when it comes to her child because in that brief instance is when bad shit happens.
She has let you into the most important part of her life OP, the three of you spending time together is a very important and serious step for a single mother, they do not do that lightly at all and they certainly don't make you some kind of priority in that kids life until there is a commitment as serious as marriage and your role changes into that of a step father.
If you ask me it's like this, you can't handle the kid thing. You're jealous, refuse to believe me all you like but what you're doing is territorial pissing, it makes absolutely no logical sense why you expect any mother of a child that isn't yours, that is 5 years old to give you some kind of higher status by defining your relationship to a toddler. A 5 year old toddler OP. You want to her to tell her what you're like in the sack too? I don't mean to mock you but to me it's as ridiculous a request.
Now the way I see it is this. Your inexperience with kids and single mothers has given you some kind of weird insecurity. Apparently the fact that this child is so important to the mother that if the mother doesn't make you as important and closer to that child then she's not really letting you in. That's not at all the case. It's a simple matter of you having a role she feels is best for her child and that role may change naturally or it may not. We broke up after two years, I was still mammy's fun friend. I had not grown so close to that child that it was like losing a father and that was the whole point.
You have a month to go over this OP, you have a month to come to terms with the fact she will never love you as much as she loves her kid and she doesn't have to because she can in fact love you romantically more than anyone else on this planet. She can love both at once OP. It's not a competition.
You can also see if you can come to terms and accept you can be a priority in her life and that the daughter knowing has no bearing whatsoever on your relationship.
You can also talk to friends, parents, people you know that are single parents or have dated them and find otu if I'm right.
I must warn you though OP, this woman deserves to be more than just an experiment, you either are over these feelings of insecurity, jealousy and confusion or you're not. The last thing she needs is an "I'm going to try" I don't she'd accept that anyway.
The only chance you have is to understand the issue, define your own role and be happy with it and be happy being with the mother with her child as a bonus but not someone who needs to be important to you nor you her. She's perfectly capable of raising this child and being a partner to you. Most importantly though when that meeting comes up you're going to have be able to prove that is the case, if you can't make her life easier, happier and better, then walk away. She doesn't need a second child to raise.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2012): I think she is still getting over her divorce and the effect it has had on her daughter and maybe she is rushing into relationships too quickly. Her daughter has lost one dad at home and then she has met other men and now you. I would step right back and completely change your tactics. Let her miss YOU. See what happens. Keep an open mind. I expect you felt anxious as a reaction to how she was treating you (keeping you at arms length) and there is nothing wrong with that. I would feel the same if I didnt feel like I 'had a place' in this family and wanted a future with her and her daughter. Everything works out for the best and if she isnt ready to commit to something other than 'mummy's friend' than whats in it for you, not a lot really! I would let her have her space and keep your guard up and not expect anything from her. Get on with your own life. Taking on someone who is still getting over a divorce with a young child is a LOT to take on so if she doesnt want you, its her loss really. There aren't that many good guys out there who would take this all on. Have faith that things will go in your favour whether its with or without this family.
...............................
|
