A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I am in my mid twenties and am in a relationship for about 4 months so far. Some history on my girl. My girlfriend is really pretty and treats me alright. However, she has many emotional issues, which affect our relationship. Firstly, she was adopted and thus feels unwanted her whole life.Also, she got into a sexual relationship when she was 14-15 years old with her ex, who physically and sexually abused her. He also cheated on her several times, before they finally broke up after 5 years. Anyway, because she was adopted and felt unwanted, her ex was her everything during the relationship, and because of that, I can guess that she probably was very devastated, after he left her.Fast forward to a few months ago, on our first few dates, she told me that she wasn't a virgin, and I admired her honesty to tell me early. So, I decided to stick around and support her. After that, she told me about her abusive past. It made me want to care for her even more. Then, the bomb struck. She told me that a few months before she met me, she had a one night stand with a guy on their first meeting. I was devastated when I heard it. She told me that she was prepared to take it with her to the grave, but she believed that I will forgive her past, so she told me, such was her level of comfort with me. I was in pain, but I decided to deal with it, because I cared for her.Anyway, I also found out that the guy was rich and adventurous, and she was very much attracted to him. She felt lonely, had alcohol, and so it happened. She didn't want to contact him again after that because she was feeling confused and scared, but eventually did, just to clear up her thoughts. In the end, they didn't end up together. This was what she told me, but there were some inconsistencies in her story that bothers me.Firstly, at first she told me she was high, but not drunk, and she did it with the guy because she felt vengeful towards her ex. Then, later on, she changed her story and said she was drunk. Also, firstly she said he dumped her, then later she said that nobody dumped nobody. This bothers me because I don't know what her motive was to sleep with the guy.A little background on myself. I am an above average looking guy, coming from a very wealthy family, and I spend alot on my girlfriend, because I really hate to see her suffer(she comes from a financially poorer family). However, I am worried that she wants me just for the money, like how I suspect that she wanted the previous guy for his money, and offered herself up to him, but he dumped her after the sex. I do not want to believe this, but I do not know what to believe, or do.Also, I came in at the time when she still had contact with the previous guy, so I am afraid that she finds that I am wealthier, more easily manipulated, less demanding, so she chose to go with me instead. This tears at me, how can I find out whether she really loves me and is telling me the truth? I really want to believe in her and love her, but some parts of her story just isn't very consistent to me. I have even accepted that her one night stand was a mistake she regretted, but I am unsure of her motive. If it was purely out of loneliness and vengeance, I can understand, but if it was for the money, then the circumstances will be different.Also, I feel extremely inadequate and incompetent, that a guy manages to sleep with my girlfriend after one night, whereas after 4 months, she still refuses to let me touch her in her private regions(below). She says she doesn't want it, because she isn't ready, and she's afraid that when I get what I want, I'll change and be nasty to her like her ex. I understand her concern, but we have already agreed on not having sex, so I don't know what she was so uptight about. Moreover, she already had a one night stand. This makes me feel very terrible.I try to push these stuff out of my mind, because I care for her, but whenever she says or do something thoughtless, and hurts me, which is quite often, I remember all these bad things she did, and I wonder why I must go through all this crap for her, when she hurts me so much. After awhile, I get better, but as the cycle continues, its getting harder and harder for me to do so.I really need help and advice, because I am coming very close to breaking point...Sorry for such a long story.
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broke up, drunk, her ex, her past, money, one night stand Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2010): Dude, the problem is not the girl, it is you. This does not imply though that this girl is right for you. In fact, no one can decide on this except for you. What you need is for someone to tell you what you already know, if you cant deal with her past and do not trust her stop leading her on(that is just as cruel as sleeping with her and leaving). By the way, if she has not slept with you for the past four months what are you still doing there? you see what i mean this has nothing to do with her and her past, it has to do with you and your insecurities
A
female
reader, raiders  +, writes (9 May 2010):
 You love her and she loves you people make mistakes and if you are willing to love her not looking into her past than do so, because it will be unfair that you use her because you unwilling will also mark her. Your traditions are different than ours and in the US a women date and its accepted in our society but in your country its not tolerated and unless your planning on having something serious with her let her go don't add your name to the list of jerks she already has. I really think she might be a nice girl who has been played and I think you can have a future with her...Best of Luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all advice so far, please keep them coming...
Anyway, I think reducing the money I spend on her is a definite move I'll make.
As for why I am attracted to her, the reasons are plenty. Firstly, I find that she is a very hardworking individual, and tries really hard.
Secondly, I am attracted to her open personality, she says what she feels, which is also why she can be hurtful at times.
The list goes on, but most importantly, besides the times when she makes me mad, I am really really happy whenever I am with her.
The main problem is that the happy/angry cycles seem to be increasing and getting more intense as time passes, and I really want them to stop or at least slow down. What should I do?
I do not want to bail out on her even if I have no real commitment, but I promised her that I will make her a better person, and she also promised that she will make me one. I intend to stick with my promise. Furthermore, I think bailing out on her will really destroy her after I gained so much of her trust and honesty.
I care for her, so I really do not want that to happen. She has also told me numerous times not to leave her, and always tell her the truth. Similarly, she has also told me the truth so far, except for the inconsistencies in that story. I am afraid to confront her about it, because her honesty is one value that I am really attracted to, and if it turns out that she cannot give a valid response to my questions, then I will lose this honesty of hers, and I will eventually lose interest.
I am confused as to what to do...please give me advice of any sort...thanks
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A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (7 May 2010):
If she is after you for money is hard for me to make a call on that because I would not know....
Now in reality and in fairness is did tell you the truth and she is right she could have deceived you and taken her secrets to her tomb..but she didn't she was honest....
She probably does not remember what happened that night because drunk or high point is she was not sober and probably can't remember how things happened step by step...
I think she is with you because she wants to be with you and she has feelings for you...and might not be with her one night stand because she felt he took advantage of her because she was in intoxicating conditions ,and he still seduce her.
I would stay with her and continue in the relationship leave her past behind her...unless she wrongs you and cheats or lies to you. Other than that give you and her a chance to be happy.
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A
male
reader, shuhyb  +, writes (7 May 2010):
well the "one night stand" was sure unpleasant.
I suggest you should spend less money on her and lets see her reaction.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2010): Sounds messy and unhealthy. My feeling was that she was telling stories (of the fictional kind) before I read of your concerns. If she has significant emotional damage, then she will be problematic to be in a relationship with (hurt people hurt people)...so maybe you need to think about why you are so drawn to a damaged woman, and what makes your self esteem low enough to put up with this. You have no shared commitments (ie kids) so why not bail and find someone who can give you happiness?? Think about it.
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